Thursday, March 31, 2011

At a remove

Despite the unabated nausea, exhaustion and even a popping belly that's straining the decency of my slimmer pants, I have not once found myself in a state of excited anticipation, and that...troubles me. It is a little sad. And a little odd. I am glad to be pregnant--I am--but for some reason, it doesn't feel productive: some part of me must be assuming it will end badly. I am not worried, exactly; it's more that I feel resigned. I have no reason to--everything still looks good--but I cannot quite imagine it leading anywhere.

When I was pregnant with Olivia, despite the terror and complications and uncertainty, there was a big part of me that looked forward, that anticipated the smell and feel and presence of that miraculous squirming baby. With Josh, it was one big festival of expectation: I generally assumed and relied on the idea that the pregnancy would go well and he would be fine, even when there was a little drama.

But this time, everything is different. Baby names have not floated through my head; I do not find myself daydreaming about the sweet, slight weight of a newborn in my arms. Jeff and I do not look at each other with that sappy, delighted look that says, Can you believe it? We're having a baby!

I've had to tell a few people, and their excitement for me was hard to take in. It seemed misplaced. Maybe it's self-protection, or hormones, or depression. Maybe the anticipation will kick in once we've got the CVS results, or once I'm not so worn down by the nausea. I wish I knew. I wish I could count on it. I wish I could at least imagine it.

Speaking of the nausea, I should let you know that the generic Zofran has helped in one respect: while I am still constantly, brutally nauseated, I am no longer throwing up or otherwise losing what I consume, so my weight has stabilized and I'm not dehydrated. Which is, I suppose, the point. I had hoped I would actually feel better, instead of just not puking, but apparently that was too much to expect. But I'll take it.


Anonymous Melanie said...

I think all the things you described when you were pregnant with the first two babies are things that happen because you are experiencing them for the first (or second) time... the poor third babies don't get near the excitement. That, and you are so darn tired from being a mama to two children, you don't have time or energy to even think about the pregnancy or its aftermath.

That was how it was for me, anyway.

Glad you are feeling better :)

7:11 PM  
Blogger 4katnap said...

I think you will settle adn feel that excitement when you let yourself believe that all si well adn this is real. I'm betting the CVS is the trigger. I hope for you good news followed soon after with the excitement you have felt in teh past.


9:19 PM  
Anonymous Jen said...

I think this is totally normal, especially given your history and the sad news of late.

Hoping that all goes beautifully with upcoming ultrasounds and CVS, and that soon--soon!--you'll be able to relax and enjoy this. Glad to hear the Zofran has calmed the belly.

4:07 PM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

So this is what happens when I suck at blog reading for awhile! Congratulations, and I hope the Zofran continues to help as much as it can.

Also-my belated condolences for the loss experienced by your boss and his family. They will be in my thoughts.

6:44 PM  

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