Saturday, March 05, 2011

...and yet it's still spinning

Dragging mysef through the motions of our day, trying not to weep again. The uncontrolled shuddering seems to have passed, so at least I only look half-mad, with my bloodshot eyes and wild hair. The kids are mercifully oblivious to my state of mind and want their breakfast, are excited about gymnastics class. They thought it was odd that I came in and woke them up twice in the night, but since they don't realize I was checking to reassure myself that they hadn't stopped breathing, it didn't worry them.

I hope my boss and his wife find it in them to get through this together. I hope they find a way not to blame themselves, because they shouldn't--they could not have known. Their younger son is old enough to feel the loss but not quite old enough to understand it, and I keep thinking of the hurt he will go through, and the hurt he will cause, when he asks, over and over, where his brother is and when he's coming back.

It seems deeply unimportant now, but my second beta was adequate. I would trade it in an instant if it could undo this horrible loss.

5 Comments:

Blogger Alexicographer said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I hadn't seen immediately prior post and was puzzled to wonder why you were waking your little ones but ... of course. Oh no, oh no, oh no. How is it possible? Thinking of you, and of them, and of him.

7:20 PM  
Anonymous Jen said...

I'm so sorry about all of this. What a horrible, horrible thing.

I am glad, though, in the midst of this, that at least there is some hope. Thinking of you all and sending lots of love.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Brandy said...

The thought of the younger child just breaks my heart. I know how bittersweet it was to have my kiddo's ask about my grandpa over and over at his passing. I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like when it was a brother, especially with a tragedy like this. I am thinking of them of course and all of you through this. I'm just so, so sorry.

2:42 PM  
Blogger Foxxy One said...

{{{hugs}}}

4:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So very wrong. Must feel really uncomfortable as you seem to be starting a new journey yourself. Wishing everyone the strength to survive the horrible things that happen in our lives. {shudder}
--Sue

11:25 AM  

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