Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Our confident, rambunctious, friendly kids are, apparently, not. The girl who gleefully conducts regular family gymnastics classes in our living room refuses to participate in gymnastics. Our boy, energetic singer of songs and banger of drums, does not like music. And while they love nothing better than to sweep their special friends up into their personal world of games and toys and imagination, neither will initiate play with other children.

Or so I was reliably informed by their preschool teachers during our first-ever parent-teacher conferences.

Who are those impostor children inhabiting my own every Monday, Wednesday and Friday between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.? Who is the "shy, quiet girl who plays by herself and mostly watches others during activities?" Who is the "introverted boy who is never any trouble but keeps himself to himself?" Clearly, not mine.

I am baffled and troubled by the vast chasm between who I think they are and who they are at school. More importantly: How did this happen and how do I fix it?


Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Trash Can Manifesto

Dear well-paid, well-nourished, well-dressed co-workers:

  • The blue bin is for mixed recycling, you fucking moron. The blue bin is not for coffee grounds or plastic bags. When you nonchalantly toss your crap into the blue bin, ignoring the idiot-proof laminated instructions complete with pictures of what goes in the bin, know this: Your time is not, in fact, so valuable that you cannot afford the one-time investment of thirty seconds to learn the difference between recycling, garbage and compost.

  • The green bin is for compost. If you are too lazy to open the non-recyclable container, chuck the food into the compost bin and the container in the trash bin, you are too lazy to be employed.

  • The black bin is for trash. Food scraps of any kind are not trash. Paper is not trash. The containers for those sixteen flavors of yogurt provided free by the company, and the bottles and cans for those forty-nine gratis beverage varieties? Not trash. Even those disposable utensils in the drawer are not trash--they were specifically selected for our use because they are compostable. Plastic bags, plastic-coated paper, styrofoam--trash. If you corrupt the compost with these again I will throttle you.

You do not look impressively above-it-all when you toss your Diet Coke can into the trash. You sound like an idiot when you try to insist that the janitorial staff just dumps it all together in the end.

You are too well educated to claim ignorance. You are not too special to follow the rules and do your incredibly tiny part for the planet.

And if you look at me like that one more time because I am conscientious enough to fish those cans back out and put them where they belong, I will dump the whole goddamned compost bin on your Herman Miller ergonomic chair.