Friday, October 22, 2010

Why not?

So, I ask you: Why not?

It's the one question I couldn't answer, not really. Why not try again? What is the compelling downside? Does "Because I don't want to risk some pain" outweigh "It might still work"? How can I rationally compare the potential for pain to the substantially smaller, but much more deeply meaningful, potential for success--especially when someone I love and who has sacrificed for me doesn't want to give up?

I can't. I didn't. I tuned out the haranguing, high-pitched voice in my head that continues to remind me that I am 41, that miscarriages and even just failure to conceive are really fucking unpleasant, that it's childish to want what I can't have. Instead, I bought my hundred and fifty-second box of OPKs and, well, here I am again.

So much has changed since I started this blog, back in May of 2004. I would not have credited the life I have now, wouldn't have recognized myself in it. But I would have known this well-worn feeling of cyclical dread mixed with tiny, tiny threads of hope. Even if the threads are harder to grasp.


Blogger Anna said...

Why not try again, indeed? You'll know - you'll *feel* - when you are done. When you feel relief to get your period, when you look at the family you have and don't have the teensiest niggling doubt that someone might be missing... then you know you're done. Until then, keep trying.

I'll keep everything crossed for you and you get what you want and need. :)

11:09 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Here's another thought for you, the thread to which I've been clinging mightily: it only takes one.

Best of luck to you, my dear friend.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous cass said...

Standing by with fingers crossed and overflowing with hugs.

(And I *wish* I were trying, too. J has not yet agreed - I think hefears both the trying and the possibility of success - and so here we are.)

11:13 PM  
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11:57 AM  

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