Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A passing, bluish shadow

For the moment, I am pregnant. I gave up and got pregnant, just like fiction. But it seems pretty clear that it's not here to stay--maybe a few days, a week. The faintest line, only visible with effort, no darker today than yesterday. By now, what ought to be about 13DPO, that pale, pale line should be plain, were there a viable embryo, securely implanted.

Most likely, I would never have known if I didn't have the flu--my period would arrive a little late, I would never have tested, I would never even have considered the possibility. But what I told myself was a ridiculous excess of caution--and the thought that I would never need those damned tests anyway, so why save them?--led me to use one before popping a generous helping of ibuprofen and Sudafed. Better safe than sorry.

I watched the line form then fade until it was just a hint of a blue shadow, while the control line asserted its bright teal to the right. Incredulous, I asked Jeff to look. He saw it, too. And I told myself that perhaps I was overhydrated; perhaps I had gulped down too much water in the night. I'd lay off the liquids and perhaps the next morning I'd get a nice, clear line. I put the tablets back.

I've always been chicken about testing, preferring to let the arrival of my period answer the question. I've had these tests sitting in the cabniet for a year and a half--ever since my miscarriage last year--and only even considered using them once, last cycle, when my period arrived just as I was getting up to test. So now, my idle curiosity asks if this might have happened before, and if I'd known, would that would have weighed more toward the side of hope or resignation?

I guess I'll just wait it out. I can't face the inappropriate congratulations of the nurses at my OB's, handing over the lab slip for a beta that will come back infinitesimally low, then lower still two days from now. I don't really see the point. Instead, I'll gather up those two sticks, bury them in the trash and try not to imagine them darker. Then I'll probably dig them out again, freshly disappointed.


Blogger 4katnap said...

I've been there. I'll just say good luck, and offer a hand to hold.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous dee said...

May your instincts be (happily) incorrect...and is it okay if I think thoughts of late implantation on your behalf?

Either way, the limbo stinks, and I will send good thoughts your way until ?

6:14 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

on 13dpo with one stick I wouldn't take it as a game over sign. but equally I understand it's not a positive either. Hang in there.

5:28 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Oh, honey. Sending you lots of love and hopehopehope.

5:35 AM  
Blogger Brandy said...

I am very calmly and quietly hopeful for you over here. And sending you the best of thoughts.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Bad Egg said...

Thinking hopeful, sticky thoughts over here. Keep us posted.

11:57 AM  

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