Tuesday, August 24, 2010

On giving up

I've spent the last six months trying hard to give up. Every day of every cycle, I remind myself that I'm old, that I'm infertile, and that I have no right to expect success. And yet I've still been disappointed, over and over, to find myself not pregnant.

Most months, it has been just that--disappointment. Not a crushing blow, not a soul-sucking misery, just garden-variety disappointment, with a wistful acknowledgement that the sands are running out. This month, though? This month was different. This month I felt different. This month I felt pregnant.

On Wednesday, I found myself sensitive to certain smells. On Thursday, I felt a familiar lightheadedness. Friday, my period was due; Saturday, I checked obsessively for blood and felt a buzz of excitement when there wasn't any. By Sunday, I was queasy and amped up on hope; by Monday morning, hope had escalated to expectation. By Monday evening, I was virtually certain I would see two solid lines. And when I got up to test, still-wrapped EPT in hand, I was absolutely stunned to feel my period arrive.

And here I am, a working Tuesday, cramping and sore in a hotel room, feeling something beyond disappointment--feeling enervated and cold, drained and beaten and limp. What I am not feeling, though, is desperation, because desperate people take action, and all I want to do is lie down and finally accept that this process is over. There will be no more pregnancies, no third child, unless some door opens up that does not rely on my tired, tired eggs.

In short: I think I'm done.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Jen said...

Well, shit, honey. I am so sorry for the mindf*ck of this week, and so sorry that it means an end to trying for #3. Much love to you.

7:24 PM  
Blogger Bittermama said...

Thinking about you and wishing there were more I could say or do to make it even a little better. It's a loss that deserves grieving.

7:09 AM  
Anonymous zarqa said...

It's such a PROCESS getting to this point! After our last FET failed, I wasn't ready to give up. We did give up on another IVF but I spoke to my acupuncturist and we're going to give 3 months over to purely Eastern techniques. THEN, I'll be ready to give up. And, you're right, it isn't a soul-crushing blow, but it is a blow nonetheless. Thinking of you, friend.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

I'm sorry. That's really hard. (((hug))).

1:43 PM  
Anonymous dee said...

It's the loss of your dream and it's hard no doubt. Go easy on yourself and know that I'm sending love across the miles.

6:20 PM  
Blogger Sherri said...

I just stumbled onto your blog last night. It's great BTW. Had been reading about thyroid and TTC, mostly from back in 2006. Then I read your latest post, and I wanted to tell you I'm sorry to hear of your difficulty with #3. From reading the symptoms you were having, though, I can't help but wonder, do you think it might have been a chemical pregnancy? I have had several of those, and how you were describing what you felt was what I had for every one of them. I just throw this out there, because maybe you're not infertile. Maybe it's more of an issue with implantation difficulties. I scheduled an appointment for myself in Sept with a reproductive immunologist. I can't remember if you said you have Hashi's, too. But I have that, lupus, fibromyalgia and am hypo. I have yet to have a pregnancy get past 8 weeks but am still trying. Going to acupuncture and taking lots of supplements to help with blood thinning and stuff! (bromelain, dong quai, vit E, etc.) Taking Aug and Sept off for fibroid surgery, which I had two weeks ago, but will be back TTC w/a vengeance in October. Is your latest TSH nice and low? Like under 1.5? Seems every article I read these days says that it should be lower and lower. Mine's pretty good but still feel very hypo. Any way, I'm glad to hear you were successful twice, but I know that regardless of that, your desire for #3 is a strong as my desire for #1. Hope something gives for you and it can still happen. I'm 42 and I'm not giving up. No matter how many RE's give me the high FSH/donor egg speech. I know I have plenty of good eggs left! :)

8:02 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Oh Bugs I am sorry. It's just always so bloody sad when this happens. Hope this week has been a little tiny bit better.

7:30 AM  
Anonymous irretrievablybroken said...

Hang in there. I'm so sorry.

2:53 PM  
Anonymous persephone said...

oh, bugs. xoxo

5:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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2:28 PM  

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