Friday, March 12, 2010

Do I want to know?

Today is CD1 and the lab slip is in front of me: FSH, estradiol. If I'm going to do it, tomorrow is the day, and I am torn. I'm not sure I want to know the results: What, exactly, will I gain from knowing? What would the upside be?

There is a part of me--a fairly large part--that likes answers. Knowledge is, if not always power, almost always interesting. I have a nearly prurient curiosity about my own health, demanding and poring over every number on every lab result, obsessively comparing my perfectly fine cholesterol results with those perfectly fine results from ten years ago, despite the obvious uselessness of the exercise. And yet...and yet...that powerful curiosity is seriously tempered this time by fear.

I am afraid of the implications of high FSH. Not that it always spells THE END--I've been around long enough to hear tell of high-FSH women who have had successful pregnancies--but it would certainly diminish my hopefulness. What's left of it. And without that hopefulness, what would happen to my mood and the little shards of libido I still cling to? Would I be determined to keep trying, despite the odds? Would I have the werewithal to give in gracefully? Would I sink into a self-indulgent funk? I'm a little surprised to find that I don't know myself well enough to even guess at an answer.

There's also the question of what it would mean if the numbers were decent. Normal FSH does not imply that I would be able to get pregnant, just that, by this one very limited measure, it might be possible. Would knowing that my FSH is normal make me more hopeful, happier? Would it change my behavior in any way that might improve my odds of conception? The only thing I can imagine myself doing differently from today is to try Clomid or Femara, which I have so far avoided, but their odds might not be good enough to tempt.

So, I wonder: What would you do? Would fear or knowledge win the day?

9 Comments:

Anonymous Carla Hinkle said...

Oh, I'd test test test. I never pass up a test. Even if the results aren't necessarily helpful and/or useful. I just like to KNOW.

2:35 PM  
Blogger Bad Egg said...

You've got to know or you'll never stop wondering. Aren't there enough other uncertainties? Figure out what you can.

My $0.02.

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Jen said...

You know me: full test ahead! (Which is not to say there are not significant advantages to ostriching, just that I have such little familiarity with it!)

4:42 PM  
Anonymous amanda said...

I'm with everyone else, I'm all about knowing. I'm such a numbers gal that I would just need to have that info. Whether it proves helpful or not, at least you're not completely in the dark, ya know.

5:25 PM  
Blogger tonya said...

I'm always one to get the test. FWIW.

10:33 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

I was going to answer "I'd probably test, just to see -- roughly -- what I was dealing with," but then I thought, if I had doubts like yours about my potential reaction, maybe I'd wait another month or two, and see if the curiosity aspect pushes me off the fence. It might be worth waiting and giving your internal battle a chance to resolve itself a bit. Time is not that much of a factor when you're not considering actual treatment...

1:13 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

I want the knowledge. Always.

but NB the definitive test apparently is AMH, worth asking for that?

11:40 AM  
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4:38 AM  
Anonymous melekler korusun final said...

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11:06 AM  

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