Do I want to know?
Today is CD1 and the lab slip is in front of me: FSH, estradiol. If I'm going to do it, tomorrow is the day, and I am torn. I'm not sure I want to know the results: What, exactly, will I gain from knowing? What would the upside be?
There is a part of me--a fairly large part--that likes answers. Knowledge is, if not always power, almost always interesting. I have a nearly prurient curiosity about my own health, demanding and poring over every number on every lab result, obsessively comparing my perfectly fine cholesterol results with those perfectly fine results from ten years ago, despite the obvious uselessness of the exercise. And yet...and yet...that powerful curiosity is seriously tempered this time by fear.
I am afraid of the implications of high FSH. Not that it always spells THE END--I've been around long enough to hear tell of high-FSH women who have had successful pregnancies--but it would certainly diminish my hopefulness. What's left of it. And without that hopefulness, what would happen to my mood and the little shards of libido I still cling to? Would I be determined to keep trying, despite the odds? Would I have the werewithal to give in gracefully? Would I sink into a self-indulgent funk? I'm a little surprised to find that I don't know myself well enough to even guess at an answer.
There's also the question of what it would mean if the numbers were decent. Normal FSH does not imply that I would be able to get pregnant, just that, by this one very limited measure, it might be possible. Would knowing that my FSH is normal make me more hopeful, happier? Would it change my behavior in any way that might improve my odds of conception? The only thing I can imagine myself doing differently from today is to try Clomid or Femara, which I have so far avoided, but their odds might not be good enough to tempt.
So, I wonder: What would you do? Would fear or knowledge win the day?