Monday, February 08, 2010

Let Go, Let Hog

I gave up on this cycle after the last post. The LH surge went on, and I gave up. I ate some tasty pork parts and didn't shower for a day or two. We could have continued, some day I'll probably tell myself that we should have, but it felt fundamentally unproductive. I considered it, figured the odds of success were remote at best and then enjoyed the rest of my weekend.

That, right there--that was the odd part. I enjoyed the rest of my weekend. I was glancingly irritated, I was intermittently wistful, but I was completely fine. I wrote off an entire cycle because I couldn't be arsed to have more sex with my husband; hell, I couldn't even be arsed to keep peeing on sticks to see if I ever, in fact, ovulated. My period will arrive at some wholly indeterminate point in the next few days or weeks and that will be that, and at this moment, I am fine with it.

It's so strange to me, this sanguine acceptance of my own lack of effort, my lack of control. It feels, frankly, like a drug. Why am I not pummeling myself for laziness? Why am I not berating myself for giving up on one of the dwindling cycles my tired ovaries have left? Why is my sky not falling? Why am I not acting like, you know, me.

Do other people actually live like this, full time?

***
I have to laugh at myself. Today, I logged back on to a site I used pre-IVF to track my cycles. Bored and a little curious, I flicked through a couple of years' charts--and, lo and behold, I spotted another cycle in which my body went all batshit with the surge, six straight days of positives. I have no recollection of it, but there it was, just the way I entered it back in 2004. So, perhaps I overreacted just a little bit, thinking that this latest one was the doom-ringing harbinger of approaching menopause. I mean, it could be, but it wasn't last time. Of course, I was 34 last time, not 40, but still...gives me a little more room for optimism.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Jen said...

I like optimism, and the lack of self-flagellation. :)

6:15 AM  
Anonymous stephanie said...

Good for you! Glad you were able to let it go and have some fun with the rest of the weekend :-)

1:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do hope Dr Google also taught you that hcg can cross react with the LH assay in OPKs. Found this out the hard way with inexplicably positive OPKs that turned out to be a miscarriage. Hope yours is something better!

2:11 PM  

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