Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Fuzzy-headed limbo

So, as though it hadn't been half a year since the last post, here I am, right where we left off.

I am still in an odd mental limbo, reproduction-wise. I can't stop wanting to be pregnant, baby dreams tickling at the edges of my thoughts as I go through my day. Sometimes I can even smell that heady new-baby scent. But then I also can't stop being vaguely relieved each month when my period arrives. To be clear, we are not actively trying, but I have these irrational moments of magical thinking in which, sure, why not, I could be pregnant even though it would be nigh-on impossible, followed by a little tug of anticipation and fear capped off by that odd half-relief when it's proved otherwise. Which is followed by a little aftertaste of depression, an underexposed print of the old misery each month brought before Olivia and Josh.

I used to be so certain of myself when it came to big decisions, and now I'm living in some kind of fuzzy fog-realm where what I really want is for someone else to simply tell me what to do. I want to shirk my responsibility and just wait for a clearly worded directive. For once in my life, I do not want to be The Decider.

Unfortunately, while the obvious candidate for Decider is Jeff, he is never one to simply say, This is the way it is and this is what we are going to do about it. His thought processes are too complex to distill into simple yesses and nos, and the pros and cons of another child are in so many shades of gray for us both that it seems impossible to form a clear picture.

Even fretting about this may be a preposterous waste of energy; I'm forty years old for heaven's sake, forty years old. This perceived choice may be completely illusory: What are the odds that I would be able to achieve another healthy pregnancy? (Seriously, what are the odds?)

And I'm not one of those forty-is-the-new-thirty women, with their toned legs, smooth skin and chic clothes. I was thirty-four when I started this blog and felt then like I was starting to deflate; the intervening years of children and career have not laid gently on me. I look forty and I feel forty and I have basically accepted it, crow's feet, pudgy thighs and all. I presume that my eggs have gone downhill right along with the rest of me.

I kept thinking that I would blog again once we'd made a decision, that I'd chart the next attempt to conceive or bemoan the end of my reproductive life. Maybe I still will, if I find myself able to make that choice instead of letting time make it for me. Maybe I won't be back here in another six months, still stuck in this timorous, seasick limbo.


Anonymous Carla Hinkle said...

We were supposed to do the "not preventing/not trying" thing with #3. That lasted all of one cycle and then I was charting my fool head off. It took 6 months. Actually, I sort of admire your ability to be ambivalent... Once we ditched the birth control I was obsessed.

8:46 PM  
Blogger anna said...

timorous, sea-sick limbo is no fun, but i'm passing the tea (with lemon for scurvy) and some hard tack and much love, too.

5:43 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Oh, hon--sorry for the limbo. I get the lack of clarity, and wanting someone else to just tell you what to do.

And if *you* look forty, I can only hope I am so lucky to have forty look like that!

6:29 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

yes, well, see my recent post for how I feel about being out of limbo. I know limbo sucks big hairy ones so you have my every sympathy. I hope things become clearer soon.

11:48 AM  
Blogger zarqa said...

Oh my gosh, you've iterated my recent thoughts exactly. We have one beautiful, active 2 year old daughter. Our first assisted fresh try at baby number two failed and now we have some frozens waiting for us to decide what to do with them. And I'll be 42 in a month. 42. Started the quest for family when I was 33. Of course, we aren't going to let the frozens go to waste, but, really, what are the odds.
I kept putting it off (let me enjoy my summer!) and putting it off (we've got house guests for the next few weeks!) and, still, putting it off (I've got a wedding in another country to go to!). I am rendered inert by the overwhelming fear of the final failure, and, finally, closing the door on this whole thing.
I was glad to see you write again! {hugs}

2:09 PM  

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