Alice wouldn't be very impressed with my pill
For anyone out there who's reading with a certain trepidation, afraid that any new post on this blog will be full of woe or schmalz, or yet another reiteration of "I am having such a hard time, please help me," I am pleased to announce that this is not one of those posts. Nosiree: Not. One. Of. Those.
You see, I am starting to feel better. Instead of clinging weakly to the edges of things like off-brand plastic wrap, I'm starting to feel more robust. Saran-like, if you will. (Can one cling weakly? I think that may be an oxymoron.)
It's only been a few weeks, but I do believe that I have my little off-white pills of synthetic thyroidy goodness to thank. I was skeptical that they would do much for my state of mind--it's hard to picture feeling better when you're marginally depressed--but, while I am not yet alive with the sound of music and I'm certainly not in the mood to dance a jig with Dick Van Dyke and some animated penguins, there is more of the Julie Andrews about me than the Sylvia Plath. My head is firmly out of the oven.
It's not that I'm feeling all cheerful, it's more that I'm feeling awake. Like everything is a little clearer; most of the melancholy fuzz is gone. Maybe the big difference is that I feel a sense of perspective returning: everything is not urgent and essential and overwhelming. Some things can wait; some things can even wait forever.
I'm not getting any more sleep, eating better or reducing the stress in my life. The only thing that has changed is the color of my pill.
My thoughts turn rather often to the chicken-or-egg mobius knot of how my thyroid and infertility are related, and what that bodes for future IVF attempts. Is my pituitary just shot all to hell; have my LH and FSH gone berserk, along with my TSH, just like the hippos in Olivia's favorite board book? Did the pregnancy really whack out my thyroid, or is it impending menopause? Perhaps an infection, adding insult to long-ago injury? Nobody seems to know, and my doctor doesn't seem terribly interested. Thoughts, research articles and websites eagerly solicited. Because, holy shit, we're planning to see the RE in January. January. January.
Can you hear the giant *gulp* where you are?