Wednesday, August 02, 2006

When

When Olivia was fifty-four hours old, I cried because I wanted another one. Not that I didn't want her--no, no, no--I wanted her and more. I wanted another one because I knew I wouldn't remember those days and hours and minutes and seconds in enough detail; I knew the cocktail of hormones and sleep deprivation and pain would gray it out. I was missing it even while it was happnening. I figured, if I were able to have another, I'd be better prepared for those early days, better able to enjoy them, better able to retain them.

I assumed this urge would quiet down once the hormonal pendulum had swung back toward normal. I figured I'd be too busy being fulfilled and exhausted and stretched to the edge of snapping. And I am. I am stretched, I am exhausted, and I even feel, for the most part, fulfilled--or at least mostly filled, if you know what I mean. But the urge is still pecking at me, pulling at my mind.

I'll be thirty-seven in a few weeks. My eggs, having aged poorly, will be older than that. Time is short. Of course, I have this occasional fantasy that, Menita-like, I'll find myself magically pregnant one of these days. (Granted, the fantasy would be more realistic if I'd had a period and we'd had sex, but somehow it persists.)

Most of the time, though, I find myself daydreaming about Repronex and the diameter of follicles, picturing the exposed-nerve moment after retrieval when the embryologist is on his way with the number. I picture the ultrasounds, the E2 blood draws, even the interminable eleven days between transfer and beta. I long for them.

I'm not sure when I'll get a fix, but I've come to think of it just that way: "when", not "if". It feels a little indecent to admit to it, a little greedy--like winning the lottery and putting half the profits into another batch of tickets. Will I spend too much of my newfound Olivia happiness capital in another failed attempt? Will trying and failing return me to a state of deep discontent? Or would failing to try leave me paddling in a lifelong pool of regret? I don't know. And, at this point, I will plug my ears and whistle loudly, thinking blindly of a morning (next spring, perhaps?) when "when" has become "today".

16 Comments:

Blogger Lindy said...

That's very very exciting, Bugs! I really think that for me, it wouldn't have taken so much out of me and out of my time with G. if I had just gone straight back to IF treatments rather than getting so caught up in the possibility of a natural pregnancy (a natural pregnancy and early miscarriage will do that to a girl though). Next spring sounds like a wonderful time for a rendez-vous with the RE.

7:38 PM  
Anonymous deborah said...

Deborah here...seems you've inadvertently stolen my fantasy. Could I have it back, pretty please?

5:21 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Oh, gosh, I hear you--even before A was here, I was planning my next visit to the RE.

I hope this spring is a good time for you, and that you have great success in providing the lovely Olivia with a sibling. Or, better yet, that the gods of Menita smile upon you!

6:41 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

Ah, spring...a wonderful time of year for so much, but especially for hope returning and for making dreams come true.

Thinking of you three :-)

8:27 AM  
Anonymous PJ's Mama said...

I've not posted a comment to you before, but I've been reading here (and enjoying your photographs) for some time.

My son was born 10 days after your daughter--my 4th attempt at IVF (it was an FET so it was kind of like IVF #3.5).

I'm feeling like you are! I want another! I asked my doctor when I could "go again" not long after I pushed our boy out. Even I thought the euphoria might be talking...but 4 months later I feel the same way.

Am I crazy to open us up to all that another attempt would involve? IVF has failed us so spectacularly in the past... until it worked, of course. We are so loving our lives now. This little boy is just so darned amazing. We still have 5 embryos on ice and I feel like if I don't at least try, I might be swimming in that pool of rue too.

2:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. I wonder if there is something wrong with me? I love Moonpie, I love every little tantrum throwing inch of her, but the thought of doing this again just wipes me out. Hmmm. Will be pondering this one for a while.

--Soper

8:03 PM  
Anonymous Menita said...

I understand you, so much. Until the magic happened (and I still can't understand how it did) I had exactly the same feelings. I know, not helpful. I guess what I want to say is hold on to the hope and the possibility without beating yourself up about it. After all, who knows?

8:11 PM  
Blogger Millie said...

When just sounds so much better than if. And don't every girl's thoughts turn to repronex and blood draws in the spring?

8:18 PM  
Anonymous Sassy said...

That does sound very exciting. I hope it's easier for you the 2nd time round.

4:57 PM  
Blogger Em said...

I am fantasising about number 2 and hoping I can do it naturally. I am also wondering if I am not enjoying my baby enough as I am already thinking about the plan of action for number 2 (hopefully!).

3:22 PM  
Blogger chaos_girl said...

My son is 11 months old...

I have just suffered my third miscarriage- which is a drop in the bucket for some, but more then I'd preferred (I'd love to be one of those women who believes miscarriages just don't HAPPEN to people who follow 'the rules'- hahahahaha).

This miscarriage does not in any, way, shape or form, negate the joy I find in my son. It does not cloud his smiles or darken my life in any way like the miscarriages before him. Does it suck? Yes. But it sucks, somehow, a shade less, because I can have a snuggly baby boy in my arms in 2 seconds- whenever I want.

I say go for it...

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Bugs

It's been FOREVER but your writing has once again pulled me from out from under my rock!!

I'm exactly like you- after I had Brendan, minutes, days, weeks, months....the feeling stayed the same- I WANTED MORE and now!

I HATE to be one of those "predictable" wives tales... but in this case I am. Ya know, the one about the couple that had years of unexplained infertility and then FINALLY achieved success but only after the help of a fertiliy clinic-- but the next time things just "happen"? Yep, that's me- I swear I'm still in a state of denial. I mean, this wasn't "an OOPS" or anything, we were actively ttc..but no temping, no drugs, no IUI, no 3++ years this time. It's still amazing to me that here I sit 9 wks along today.

I hope more than anything that this can happen for you- don't feel that it can't (like I did- no doubt!). I know the longing you're feeling and I'm sure it's there for a reason- your family may not be fully completed yet, I know I felt mine wasn't.

Take great care
Wendy/Ultradol

1:42 PM  
Anonymous T said...

I see your repronex and raise you an estrogen patch. I have my appointment w/ my RE in less than a month. It was kind of exciting thinking about it, but now it's more of a pulsating vomity feeling.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Ova Girl said...

bugs...completely understand this urge!

5:23 PM  
Blogger tonya said...

Oh, you are so not alone. I admit I've frequently had similar thoughts, and my tiny boy is only 2 months old. It is the siren song of my dreams.

8:59 PM  
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2:19 AM  

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