Wednesday, May 10, 2006

A whiff of cowardice

I have a million excuses, but the bottom line is this: I couldn't quite say it. My OB was standing there, removing her gloves post-exam, asking hurriedly how I was doing, and I hemmed and hawed and said I wasn't feeling great, exactly, and not like myself, and that I was crying a lot, which just wasn't like me. She asked if I was getting sleep, and I'm not, so she said to hand Olivia off to Jeff and get as much rest as I could manage. To buy ear plugs and an eye mask and turn off the baby monitor. That sleep would go a long way toward making me feel better. That colicky babies can really drain a new mother, and not to let it get to me so much. And that maybe I should look for support at a moms' group if I was still feeling down.

And as she was clearly in a rush, that's where I left it. Instead of saying, No, seriously, I'm having real trouble--hormonal trouble, physical trouble--and I think I have postpartum depression and need more than a nap, I just thanked her and said my goodbyes, feeling very, very small.

That night I did hand her off to Jeff, and I did get a little sleep, and I did feel a little better. I thought, Maybe that is all I need--maybe I've really overblown this thing. And today, I went to write a thank-you note to a friend and found that we had used up all the cards, so I curled up in a ball and sobbed. Over cards. Because they were the cards I bought for Olivia's shower, and now they were gone, and she was five weeks old and I was never going to get to experience those five weeks again. And then I thought of the grief that she will have, that one day she will have her heart broken by a lover, by an illness, by a dream unfulfilled, by something, and that even this brand-new creature will have to face longing and pain and, finally, the end. That I have done this to her. And then I felt more selfish than I can say, and then more foolish, and then I reminded myself that this is crazy talk.

I'm not sure what to do next, to be honest. I am a little afraid of actual treatment; drugs are not something I would be very comfortable with, given my mother's countless addictions and my father's dependence on antidepressants and sleep meds. There's also the breastfeeding to consider. So I just don't know how to move on from here, but I know I need to.

47 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't know me and will likely never meet me, so feel free to ignore this.

But: Of course you're terrified. Of course you're exhausted. Your hormones are going crazy, you have a new small person to worry about and you're extremely sleep-deprived. Taking care of a newborn requires a lot of violations of the Geneva Convention.

Right now, your brain chemistry is not at the way it should be. It's really not. I don't know if you'll need drugs or not, but you do need to talk to someone who can, at the very least, suggest some changes you can make to help improve things. And if you do need drugs, many antidepressents are safe to use while breastfeeding -- certainly the first-line treatments for this sort of thing. And, if worst comes to worst...breast milk is important, but having a fairly happy mommy is also important, both to you and your child.

One of these days, one of your doctor's patients is going to do something terrible to her baby and/or to herself because of postpartum depression, or so I grimly predict. THIS IS NOT YOU. But your doctor is being, IMHO, inexcusably careless about all this.

Do you think you could call your doctor's office after hours, and say to the voice mail, "I am horribly depressed, to the point of not being able to function, and I need help"? If not, could your husband? Or a friend? You shouldn't be suffering like this. It sounds to me as though you're making a superhuman effort on your own, but there's no reason you should have to do this all on your own.

9:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is something I say to myself when I am scared and it has always, always turned on to be true, and that makes me feel a little better:

This too shall pass.

You will find the solution to this current problem. It is out there, and you will find it, and you will feel better, and this time will pass into the past and you will be happy. Believe me, you will.

So listen to your intuition and take one step after the other to do the things you need to do to find that answer, and be patient, and be easy on yourself. Cut yourself plenty of slack.

This too shall pass.

10:35 PM  
Blogger juliaspam said...

Hello, I have two children, 10 and 6. I ran into your post searching for posts on bugs, through altavista. I don't know why I read your page when it came up though the search engine. I think it must have been because I was meant to ask you to please call your doctor in the morning. Don't be scared or embarrassed about the fact that you were just there and you didn't mention not quite feeling yourself. That's what you are paying for. A call in the middle of the night, or whatever you need to feel at ease. Please get your husband involved as well. Let him know how you are feeling. Tomorrow will seem more manageable when you have shared what is going on and that you may need a little extra help! Good luck to you.

1:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugs,
I totally understand why you may not have felt able to say it to this doctor -- is there another one? The US medical system seems very specialised -- here you could say it to a general practitioner and she'd be jumping to help you. My gp spent ages cross questioning me after the births of all my kids, trying to see if I was feeling as bad as you are, and not saying. I can't stress enough that you need to talk to someone about this -- you seem to know it yourself, from what you wrote about regretting missing Olivia's first five weeks, in this grief you are feeling. Don't miss any more -- she needs you to be happier, and I'm sure you do too. Thinking of you, and hoping you find the words soon
Emma also Jane

4:35 AM  
Blogger Cricket said...

It is awful to feel the way you do, with the double whammy of not being heard.

I remember my midwife telling me that all J needed was a warm body. I cannot tell you how many times I defaulted to that idea - if nothing else, I could successfully be a warm body.

I was already under the care of a psychiatrist, but was unmedicated throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding. I wonder if physicians are trained to blow off the vulnerable new mom? When I, with a history of depression and a mother who had undiagnosed PPD, told my psychiatrist that I thought I had PPD, he laughed and said I didn't, that I just had a husband who didn't help.

Yeah, thanks for the support. I was miserable. I suffered like you thinking that I was frittering my baby's life away. When he turned 4 months, things were better because he began participating, was more alert, but then we moved and I went back downwards. When he was 10 months, I found a therapist.

I know you'll find your way and I hope you can muster the strength to seek real help. I still look with envy at people who had a positive experience in the newborn stage.

4:47 AM  
Anonymous soxfan said...

zoloft is safe to take while breastfeeding and not addictive. call your doctor and tell her that you are more than "down" and you would like a prescription.

as a previous poster said, all a baby needs is a warm body. true. they need food, warmth, sleep. and basically that is it. i did so much extra work when it came to astrid that it is almost unbelievable- i used to hold her hand to put her to sleep. seriously. i would sit on the floor with my hand in the swing for over a half an hour. then one day i said "fuck it." and put her in her crib in her own room (gasp) and you know what? she cried for 15 minutes 2 days in a row. and now she sleeps and naps like a champ. a baby will not die from crying, remember that. and i know you are probably rolling your eyes, and i know if anyone had told me this when she was 5 weeks old, i would have told them to to fuck off. now that i actually have a baby and she is past all the newborn stuff, i can tell you that i should have started taking time for myself and for sleep MUCH SOONER because astrid was and is FINE. and olivia will be too.

now, as far as worrying about your daughter getting her heart broken, feeling pain, and experiencing any discomfort whatsoever, that is not depression. that is being a mother. i feel like an open wound every day. i worry about taking her in the car and getting in an accident, that she is going to stop breathing in the middle of the night, that she will get a hold of something small and choke. you have to remind yourself that she will be fine. we are fine, our parents are fine. i have been told it gets better with time. but we will always worry. good mothers do.

again, i know your baby is young, so you may not believe me, but...... it gets better. unbelievably better. once they hit 4 months, it is smooth sailing. right now she is in her 4th trimester as they call it- where they long for the environment of the womb. after the first 3 or 4 months, they are more aware, want to explore, and can occupy themselves with toys and their own body.

olivia is 5 weeks- you haven't missed a thing! LOL! the good stuff comes later. your kid is fed, warm, and sheltered. you are doing your job. and you are doing it perfectly.

you can email me if you want- jallen062@mac.com

5:17 AM  
Anonymous deborah said...

Bugs, you're going to get lots of comments about not ignoring your depression. And I know you won't...you'll figure out the best path for you to take, I'm sure of that.

I just wanted to tell you that I have had the EXACT same thoughts about my daughter and her future. Which is just another way of saying that everything you're thinking and feeling is completely normal. You are not alone in this...we're all here to help you through it.

5:44 AM  
Blogger Cat, Galloping said...

oh gosh, bugs, call the doctor back! actually, call another one because seriously, what kind of idiot tells a new mom who says she's not feeling great and crying a lot to take a nap? get jeff involved, have him call if you don't feel like you can do it.

5:49 AM  
Blogger Susie said...

It's true that lack of sleep is a contributor to PPD, but PPD is more than that. Sleep will help, but it won't make it go away. However, you might consider asking your husband to give her a bottle of breastmilk in the evenings so that you can go to bed early and get some rest before your post-midnight wakings begin. That worked well for us and kept me from getting too sleep-deprived in the early days.

More importantly, I hope you'll call the doctor back or get your husband to call. Or call your insurance company and get a list of mental health practitioners -- seriously! It may be easier to talk to a complete stranger than to the doctor who didn't read your cues correctly.

I knew I was at risk for PPD myself, due to several risk factors, so I had lined up a therapist before Alex was born. I haven't needed to go yet, but I feel so much safer knowing I can. I hope you'll get some help soon.

6:08 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Hi sweety. Cat, Galloping is right. I did this and it worked. I went to the Dr. and was very embarrassed to tell them what a hard time I was having and I was told to get more sleep as well.
After only two days of "getting more sleep" I knew I needed something to change big time so I did call another Dr., told them what my other Dr. said and they told me to come right in. I was given meds and great, great advice and have been fine ever since.
I'm here if you need to talk. I have been where you are and I know how tough this is for you. It does get better.

6:31 AM  
Anonymous Leggy said...

PLEASE, please, please call her back or call your GP, or a therapist, or something. All Olivia needs is a warm body, true, but what you need is your self back. You may be tired, you may be overwhelmed, you may be hormonal, but you are definitely not yourself.

You may not need drugs, you may just need talk therapy. But please, get Jeff involved, have a friend call, whatever it takes.

And as for colic- I didn't realize Olivia had it. That is enough to drive any new mom insane, so no wonder you are feeling not quite right. The Cutie Pie had the worst case of it his pediatrician had ever seen. He cried 24/7 except when tied to a boob or a bottle. I fed him constantly and I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and depressed. Have you tried gripe water? I did, but didn't realize you need to give it to them 4-5 times a day, and once I finally did, things improved.

Email me (or I'd be happy to talk if that's easier) if you want more tricks to surviving colic.

6:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugs, you don't know me and I don't know you, so I don't know if this will help. I've read your blog before, but never felt compelled to post until reading your last two entries.

The way you are feeling now is so completely normal. Your words evoke so painfully my own memories of the summer that my oldest child (now almost 5) was a baby. He was a much wanted and longed for child, and before his birth, I had so many ideas about how motherhood would be.

And then, after he was born, I was simply flattened by the reality of it all. His birth was traumatic and scary, and then he was a difficult and colicky baby. I was overwhelmed by my emotions and the responsibility of his daily care. I knew I had 16 weeks of maternity leave, and every time I noted that another week had passed, and I still wasn't having the wonderful rosy maternity leave of my pre-baby fantasies, I was left feeling grief-struck. I knew I'd never get those days back -- how come I wasn't enjoying them?

But, having said all that, I can tell you that it does get better. I hit rock bottom at about 8 weeks, but then, as if by magic, he stopped waking up three times a night and started sleeping in longer stretches. He stopped screaming all night long and started to smile regularly and be interested in the world around him. Honestly, by 12 weeks, he was a completely different child. And I was completely different as well.

So, hang in there. Those first few months are the hardest thing you'll ever do. I cannot emphasize that enough. And I think our society does a terrible job of preparing women for this fact, as very few people ever talk about it. New motherhood is painted as rosy and all-fulfilling, when for many, its terrifying.

One bit of advice -- don't go it alone. Get into a new mom's group -- I resisted doing it with my first, but did it with my second, and now regret not doing it the first time around. Talking to other moms who are going through the same thing helps more than you can imagine. And if you need help from your Dr. or your family, ask for it. Finally, keep talking about it. To anyone and everyone. It will get better.

7:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Call the hospital where you gave birth and tell them what is going on. They will know exactly where to send you. Tell them that your OB did not help and that you would rather not take drugs and that you want counseling. Almost every hospital that serves new moms provides this kind of follow up care.

8:25 AM  
Anonymous Patricia said...

I've been a mom for over six years now, and I know A LOT of women who have had fairly significant levels of PPD. I am not talking homicidal thoughts, just crying all the time, irritable all the time, vortexes of negative thoughts all the time...

All I can tell you that every single one of them that went on meds (including my friend Brooke) wish they had done it earlier. And there are meds that you can take while breastfeeding.

I did have mid-level PPD myself and did not take drugs, but I had the recurrent miscarriage depression BIGTIME. I fell into an abyss. But I resisted for sooo long. My mother had been flat out paranoid schizophrenic crazy, and I thought drugs were for people like her.

What I can say now is that drugs have improved the quality of my life, and more importantly the quality of my son's life. It's that simple.

10:16 AM  
Anonymous patricia said...

One more thing. The first six weeks are the worst. It was a miserable fog. Finally, at three months, I had a revelation. "Wow, this could be really FUN!"

So hang in there.

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Wavery said...

It's very hard to overcome the rush in a dr's office and to direct attention towards yourself. So very hard. So in hopes of stirring up some motivational indigantion, I remind you, she drives a very nice car, nicer than yours, has a stunning house with a nanny, a gardener, a house cleaner and a chef and it's okay to say "ME! What about me?!"

Thinking of you Bugs.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

Everyone has given you such great advice that I don't feel like I have anything of value to contribute other the fact that I want you to know that there have been many times when I've stopped and considered the fact that one day, someone will break my daughter's heart, or hurt her in some way, and I won't be able to fix it. It pains me to no end to think about it but it's true. And that's okay. We do the best we can with children, and hope we teach them to make the right decisions.

It sounds to me like you're doing the best you can and you realize that you need help to do it. And that's normal...hell, why is it that no one prepares us for the fact that being a new mom is terrifying and extremely difficult. Why does everyone paint it as this wonderful mythical time where you'll bond and the days will be filled with wonder and awe (okay, there are moments like that, when you look at your child, etc.) but not every.minute.of.every day. Raising a child is hard work, perhaps the hardest work we'll ever do. That saying "it takes a village?" I agree completely. And in this case, please don't be afraid or embarrassed to call that doctor's office back--or your primary, or the hospital as the above commenter suggested. They are part of that 'village' and are there to help (well, except for your ob it sounds like) however possible.

10:22 AM  
Blogger Cass said...

What they said.

Also, your thyroid might be off. Might it be easier to call and say "Something's off. It's more than just lack of sleep. Can you check my thyroid to see if that's it? And if not, then what do we do about it, because I am NOT okay right now." I am hopeful that on second call your OB (or someone else in the practice) will be more supportive and helpful. And if not, we'll find you someone else to call.

10:25 AM  
Blogger electriclady said...

Just echoing what everyone else has already said--please call your doctor back (or someone, anyone), or have your husband or a friend do it if you can't get the words out yourself. You deserve to have yourself back.

10:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We have unreasonable expectations for women these days. I'm also not a drug person, but I recently started Zoloft, and I am nursing a 4-month-old. It is safe, and my peditrician said, 'What's the worst that happens? Your baby is happy, too?" If you don't feel like you, get help. It is INCREDIBLY deifficult to make decisions when you're in the thick of it, but you need to just give over the decision to someone else. You tell your husband that you need his help, that you need him to make that call if you can't do it, and you get something that makes you feel better. It is AMAZING how good it is to feel better.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Dramalish said...

Just because you didn't ask for help then doesn't mean you have to drop the subject... of course you know that.
So start small. Tell your husband and tell him that you need to get help for how you feel. Then you have an ally to help you be brave and talk with doctors, etc.
I want you to feel better, so so bad Bugs. When you do, you'll be able to enjoy Olivia. Really, really enjoy her- and that's a fantastic feeling. Let that be your motivator to get to a well place mentally (physically and emotionally!).

Wishing you well, very soon.
-D.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Sunny said...

I had a very hard time getting the words out too. It took me a couple weeks to finally find the courage to call and leave a message saying "I'm NOT doing very well, I need to come in to talk to the Dr about the possibility of Postpartum Depression, because I'm not doing okay". I was immediately called back with an appt for that afternoon. Starting out without having to actually admit it outloud was all I could do. When I went in, I knew that the dr already knew what I was coming in for. I couldn't even look him in the eye during that appointment for fear I'd burst into sobs.

All that is to say, is that some doctors can be SO DAFT - and not recognise when a patient is reaching out the best they can. I'm so sorry that she didn't take the time to internalize what you were saying.

I've been through PPD - you are not at all alone. If you ever need to talk, please email me through blogger. I breastfed while on anitdipressants - the availablility of safe-meds is not a problem. Another thing that can be VERY helpful is counseling - and it can be used with or instead of meds.

Just don't ignore this. Please, please call the dr back, or call the hospital you gave birth at, after hours if you have to, and say that you are not doing well, and a nap is not the sort of thing that can fix this. I tried to ignore it the first time, and it just got worse and worse over the months. Don't make that mistake - get the medical attention now. Just saying outloud that I was depressed took so much courage, but after I said it, I was filled with such relief.

Also, ask that your thyroid levels be checked - the symptoms of thyroid and PPD are extrememly similar, and unfortunantly many drs don't ever check the thyroid.

Be your own advocate, or find someone who can advocate for you, a family member or a friend who you trust.

Anyways, you are getting lots of advice, and just know that you need to follow your heart, and know that you are not alone in what you are going through - there are many women who go through this too. And the good news - it can be managed, and go away if the PPD is addressed.

You're being the best mom you can right now - don't let guilt or stress consume you. The fact that you are concerned about your baby shows the love you have for her. You are a good mom. You're having a rough time, but cut yourself lots of slack!!!

(((HUGS)))

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Jeannie said...

I don't have anything more useful to add except to say that it takes so much courage to admit things aren't perfect. And having a newborn baby is HARD (I have an eight week old son -- I know!). Don't beat yourself up over it, and remember there IS help. It will get better. Take care.

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Mandy said...

Yes, call her back. Use the words postpartum depression. They should take you seriously. If they don't, they should be ashamed, and you should look for another doctor. You, however, should feel no shame. You are wonderful mother, and you deserve to feel well.

1:07 PM  
Blogger Blue said...

Do take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up for feeling the way that you do. You are completely justified in feeling this way. I would urge you to call the doctor's office and ask the nurse about PPD though, at least that will get them thinking along those lines and you can discuss your options. You don't have to jump onto the antidepressant bandwagon right off the bat, but you don't have to take the Tom Cruise approach either.
Many hugs and good wishes your way.

1:52 PM  
Blogger JJ said...

No advice, just creepy Internet hugs.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Dunn Family said...

Those darn OBGYN's..so busy trying to see as many patients as they can..darn it.
My advice: Go see your primary care phys. in my experience, they seem to get a bit more scared of depression type symptoms and will take you seriously.
I think the OB GYN's hear many whining women, they tune us out. Good luck and don't give up. Olivia needs her mom, all of her! You are doing a great job, even recognising that you might need a little help with this overwhelming feeling is a big plus.
Let us know how you are doing!

7:29 PM  
Anonymous Menita said...

I hope you will call your doctor or someone to get help. Like someone said before, drugs for depression are not addictive, and you will be closely supervised anyway, and you may not even need to be on them for that long (I only took Zoloft for three months after Polly and was fine then). And there are no problems with the breastmilk. And you will feel so much better, so quickly.
I feel for you Bugs, this is a rotten place to be.

8:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugs, I struggled with PPD, and my doctor was insisting on treating me with medication. While I appreciated his recognizing I was in trouble, I didn't want to take anything because I didn't want to quit breastfeeding, and I didn't want to risk meds in my milk. I saw a therapist instead, who was so reassuring and helpful, and got me through the worst of it. I will forever be grateful.

I like the idea of calling the hospital and asking for help. They'll point you in the right direction. Take care of yourself. Jill

8:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Delurking and hoping this isn't assvice (deep breath)...Bugs, life is too short to feel so bad if there's any way around it. Unfortunately, the tough thing about depression (post-partum or otherwise) is that by its very nature it hampers your ability to seek help (because it seems too overwhelming to figure out how to get it). Two thoughts:

-Assign Jeff to get you help. Maybe this means calling and making an appointment with a therapist or your primary care doc for you, maybe it means calling your OB back...whatever. The key here is that HE needs to figure it out for you -- all YOU need to do is get yourself to the appointment. He may not understand, but he just has to accept that you can't deal right now and he needs to do it for you. You've already accomplished the hardest part by realizing you need help. Sometimes it makes all the difference if someone else can take the actual logistics of getting help off your shoulders.

-I take Zoloft (for long-term depression) and breastfeed, without any problems. I completely respect your concerns about antidepressants, and your concerns about medications while breastfeeding. I just wanted to let you know that it is a possibility if that's something you become open to later.

Thinking of you.

8:23 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Oh darling, it sounds so scary. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. It must be really hard. I wish there was something I could do to help.

It looks like you have got a lot of good advice here, but I just wanted to add one small thing; talk to Jeff about exactly how you're feeling. Make him understand so he can help you and support you. Is there any chance he could take a few days off work to give you time for yourself to find someone who can help you get this under control?

I know you'll be okay but while everythings that much harder than it should be, I'm thinking of you.

11:38 PM  
Blogger Em said...

I was the same with my first - saying something to anybody was incredibly hard and I was so ashamed of the way I felt ... so I suffered in silence for months on end.

With my second I went to a doctor when my baby was three months old (and I was seriously depressed) and he told me I wasn't depressed and sent me away. It took me three months to build up enough courage to find another doctor and ask for help again.

Even this time, with my third, the first doctor I approached said I wasn't depressed and sent me on my way (and I knew I was depressed having experienced it before). I finally found a very caring and understanding GP who supported and helped me from day one.

Please don't let your doctor's response stop you seeking help - unfortunately a dismissive attitude is all too common - but there will be someone out there who is caring and considerate, who will bend over backwards to help you.

12:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bug, I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed and unable to do anything about it. Sometimes just finding a phone number is too much. Ask your husband if his employer offers a toll-free number for employee (& family) assistance. Then they will help you find the right person or organization to help you though this.

BTW, my daughter is 24 years old and I still cry sometimes worrying about the "what ifs". That's part of a mother's job.

6:28 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Bugs, you aren't a coward. You are in uncharted territory trying to find your way through.

I haven't any advice but did want you to know that I'm hoping you get some relief and am keeping you, Jeff and the beautiful Olivia in my thoughts.

10:43 AM  
Blogger KristinC said...

I hope you read this. I had PPD with my first dd, and it was terrible. I didn't ask for help though, and it was a miserable 5 months before I felt any better. With my son last year, I completely lost it and we almost gave him up for adoption. I knew not to let it go on so I called my midwife for a script. They put me on some mild anti-depressants and they saved me. Seriously, you may only be on them for 6 months. I was for 3 months. If you need help, please ask your ob for it. Don't wait, don't keep going without help. I can't remember the first 5 months of my daughter's life. Thankfully with the meds I remember all of my son's. Get help if you need it Bugs, and don't be embarassed. It happens to a LOT of us, despite what Tom Cruise says. ;)

12:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

See how many friends and friendly strangers care about you because you've shared so much with us. You don't want to let PPD develop into something more damaging. Giving birth may have triggered a chemical imbalance that needs medical attention. You may need help just to ride through this period, or you may need it longer. It's more important than ever that you be kind and gentle to yourself now. Please call or ask your husband to call the doctor.

Take good care.

1:27 PM  
Anonymous Mandy (a different one) said...

I went through a lot of ppd. It took a long time for me to realize that ppd isn't just characterized by crying all the time, but brain fog, being overwhelmed - all kinds of things can make up ppd.

It's hard to say those words, and my OB didn't get it when I tried. My regular dr. did. Please call them. Use the words. The treatment isn't bad, isn't scary, and I speak from experience when I say that you don't want to later look back and say you regret you didn't do something about it sooner. We love you.

I don't think it is coincidence that when I finally get back to checking blogs, I came to yours and read this entry.

There is no shame in what our hormones do to us. We're here for you. Read this - then call your dr.
http://www.infertilityisfunny.blog-city.com/whats_it_really_like.htm

4:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I urge you to please please please get help!!!!! I suffered way too long with my first child, and it is so not worth it. The minute I began treatment with both medication (zoloft) and talk therapy, I was a new person. It is not fair to your daughter and to your husband for you to continue on without some help. I was on the meds for only 6 months and am still breastfeeding my beautiful child. Antidepressants DO NOT harm your baby-they help mommies get through tough times. I am begging you through cyberspace to get help.

5:12 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

I cant totally understand your concern about the antidepressents. I for one would never take them because of my own personal experiance with my fathers suicide which was induced by the drugs. Long story but there is no denial about that part. So I can see how you feel and I dont know what I would do if I got PPD after this baby is born. Time. Sleep. Excercise but most importantly someone you can tell your honest feelings too and let out all the stress. My first had colic for 3 months and I wanted to die really. I wanted a wolf pack to come take her away. When the colic ended luckily those feelings started ti subside but I felt I missed a lot. I am thinking about you and hope things look up soon. Just make sure you have someone to really talk to for now and dont do anything you arent comfortable with.

6:49 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

One more thing...most important. Get the ear plugs...seriously. They saved us so much sanity because even lowering it a few decibels makes all the difference in the world. It was bearable with the plugs.

6:52 PM  
Anonymous Frances said...

Oh gosh Bugs, you sound so overwhelmed and it saddens me because mommyhood doesn't have to feel like that at all. Tired, yes, scared, yes, but not like that.
Your well being is so worth fighting for...if not for Jeff and Olivia's sake then for simply yourself. Please get back on that phone and insist on further help. Or have Jeff call. Your MD may not have realized how serious the situation was, especially since you didn't expound on it when you had the chance. Don't be victimized or let yourself feel small because of her, or anyone. Call back, then take a deep breath because help will be on its way.
Hugs to you.

8:32 AM  
Blogger the ockers said...

Cat, Galloping is dead right. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I hope you feel better soon.

5:14 PM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Bugs, everyone has said it, so i will just reinforce it. Ask for more help, in whatever form it comes in. Please ask.

We're all here for you but you need real life intervention right now.

Thinking of you.

9:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Bugs,

Your doctor's failure to "read between the lines" and assess your real needs was, as someone else wrote, inexcuseable. All of us are here to support you and we're of the same mind--don't wait another minute to get help from a caring professional specializing in postpartum depression. Call this Postpartum Support Hotline, or have your husband or friend call right away: 800-944-4773. You deserve to be listened to. Light is around the corner, Bugs. Have faith and, as hard as it may seem, take action. It will be one of the most important things you do for yourself and your baby.

12:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Bugs,

Your doctor's failure to "read between the lines" and assess your real needs was, as someone else wrote, inexcuseable. All of us are here to support you and we're of the same mind--don't wait another minute to get help from a caring professional specializing in postpartum depression. Call this Postpartum Support Hotline, or have your husband or friend call right away: 800-944-4773. You deserve to be listened to. Light is around the corner, Bugs. Have faith and, as hard as it may seem, take action. It will be one of the most important things you do for yourself and your baby.

12:44 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Hey, how are you going?

6:27 PM  
Blogger swissmiss said...

Since you're getting lots of comments about the depression, I just want to say that I had two alcoholic parents and one alcoholic grandparent on each side, so I was very scared of anti-depressents, but I did very well on Paxil and when I was ready to go off the drug I experienced no problems going off the drug. IF you ultimately need/want medication, just be sure your practicioner knows your family history and there are safe options out there for you.

Take care.

4:29 AM  

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