Thursday, April 20, 2006

Things that have helped

I've been living in an emotional cyclone these last couple of weeks--picked up bodily by the winds, spun around, wrung out. But as with every good cyclone, there's a quiet eye to this storm, a peaceful place where I can say to myself, Everything will work itself out and You'll feel better once you've had some sleep and a bite to eat. When she's sleeping and I can simply stare at her--the perfection of her fingers, the soft blonde hair on her temples, the rounding belly as it rises and falls--I start to believe that we will make it through in one piece, and that, even if I don't feel like I deserve her, she is mine.

There has been so much kindness from friends and family and strangers. There have been the comments and the brownies and the phone calls and the kickass lasagne, the great advice and the heartfelt commiseration. The offers to hold her so I can sleep; the cups of tea and dishes done. People who don't hold it against me that I'm made temporarily crazy by the thing that I've wanted most in the world.

I think the winds are losing strength, and that, very soon, I'll find myself deposited somewhere else, another state.


Anonymous susie said...

You are doing great. The beginning can be really, really hard -- it was for me, and I know it is for a lot of folks. So glad you have help and people who care. Hang in there! It just gets better.

2:51 PM  
Blogger Cricket said...

I remember my midwife telling me that all he needed was a warm body. At my lowest, I still knew I could be a warm body.

I'm glad you're hanging in there. I remember thinking that people had told me it was bad, but I never knew it was this bad!

And man, it sure does get better.

3:40 PM  
Anonymous deborah said...

Just wait until she smiles at you, Bugs. JUST YOU WAIT!

6:13 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh hell, I'm just happy reading this, and Deborah's comment, and maybe a bit teary as well bcs I'm so happy for you (all), blame it on the hormones. SO HAPPY!

6:16 PM  
Anonymous Leggy said...

It is hard, but it sounds like you are going well. Hang in there, it gets better..... eventually. LOL

7:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there Buggs! You worked so hard, now it is time for you to take some time and adjust to what you have achieved! You will make it! And just look what you have to show for all your hard work!

She is absolutely beautiful!

South Georgia

8:38 AM  
Blogger ThreeBees said...

You are doing a wonderful job! I remember this time so distinctly -- I was nearly insane the first few weeks because of the little to no sleep and recovering from child birth and the new little person in the house. . . I had to retrain my body to sleep, to relax and know that it was okay to sleep. Somewhere inside of me, I think I felt like I HAD TO stay awake and keep watch -- make sure nothing happened to my little girl!

It gets better. Hang in there and take all the help you can get, most especially if it means you getting a little more sleep.

3:57 PM  
Blogger Donna said...

Don't be so hard on yourself, you are going through what every new mother goes through (listen to me babble on, childless women I am). This is a huge adjustment. HUGE. Sounds to me like you are doing great.

4:36 PM  
Anonymous Menita said...

You are doing GREAT.
The first few weeks (and few months) are so, so, so hard,and they never tell you about that part. I think infertiles have even more of a shock: after all that loss, and focusing on just getting pregnant, to suddenly have that child there requires a huge shift, not to mention that motherhood is, as Moxie once wrote, a huge mindfuck.
It gets better, I promise, so much better! Hang in there, you're right on track.
And in the meantime, vent as much as you need to here.

7:57 AM  
Blogger Steph said...

As a four time "mom-of-a-newborn" veteran, I PROMISE you will feel like a human being again in a few short weeks. Hang in there mamacita.. the good stuff is coming!

12:12 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

I think you said it best when you said: "...I'm made temporarily crazy by the thing that I've wanted most in the world." That sums it all up so perfectly, yet is also an understatement.

It really does get better. It takes a little bit but it does. And when that first (intentional) smile comes, the pain and sleep deprivation and everything else eases up just the tiniest bit...and will continue to do so on a daily basis.

People don't tell you about the bad in those early weeks, or if they do, we tend to think they're overstating things, trying to scare us, but man, they were right. It is hard, and it seems interminable, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The fact that you have so many people pitching in to help, who know how hard this is for you, is awesome. Continue accepting their offers to help...every little bit helps you get back to being (a new version of) yourself.

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Frances said...

Hang in there Bugs- it gets so much better - I promise. And what ThreeBees says - you have to somehow convince yourself it's okay to sleep. When you get a little shuteye, you'll feel back to your old self only a million times happier.

6:52 AM  
Blogger K|nneret said...

It WILL get easier, I promise. Maybe not all at once, maybe it seems like never but it will. Especially when more sleep heads your way.

Belated congrats on the birth of your daughter!!

7:24 AM  
Blogger Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

Oh babe, I think you are so honest. But this entry made me feel a little warm inside on this chilly morning.

6:07 AM  

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