Things that have helped
I've been living in an emotional cyclone these last couple of weeks--picked up bodily by the winds, spun around, wrung out. But as with every good cyclone, there's a quiet eye to this storm, a peaceful place where I can say to myself, Everything will work itself out and You'll feel better once you've had some sleep and a bite to eat. When she's sleeping and I can simply stare at her--the perfection of her fingers, the soft blonde hair on her temples, the rounding belly as it rises and falls--I start to believe that we will make it through in one piece, and that, even if I don't feel like I deserve her, she is mine.
There has been so much kindness from friends and family and strangers. There have been the comments and the brownies and the phone calls and the kickass lasagne, the great advice and the heartfelt commiseration. The offers to hold her so I can sleep; the cups of tea and dishes done. People who don't hold it against me that I'm made temporarily crazy by the thing that I've wanted most in the world.
I think the winds are losing strength, and that, very soon, I'll find myself deposited somewhere else, another state.