Friday, February 24, 2006

Center

Jeff is sleeping next to me, breathing in and out. His face, at rest, looks so young. His eyelashes make a shadow-fringe on his cheekbones. It is the middle of the afternoon and we are home from work, and so tired.

His daughter is quiet inside of me for now; she has been feeling her cage all day, fretfully knocking her knees and elbows against the walls, trying to assert herself. But now she is gentle: a flutter, a brush.

There is this peace between us three for a moment. And I am torn, in some ungrateful way, because I know that it is transient. There will be no quiet afternoons, dreaming silently together of a shapeshifting child who could be anything, watching my husband sleep and remembering how I came to love him so much, how I love him with this single-minded fervor that he returns to me so generously.

I hope that our reserves of love are nearly infinite, expanding and merging and embracing, but there is a part of me that fears this new sun, this new center to our lives, this new love.

I know that she will change us; I fear that she will consume us. It is a cowardly thought, wanting to keep this oneness with Jeff just as it is, knowing that it cannot be. We will love her, we will expand, we will deepen, we will change, we will adjust. We will still love each other, and maybe even more. But it will be different. In ways we cannot imagine, it will be different.

22 Comments:

Anonymous Wavery said...

That is absolutely lovely Bugs.

8:19 PM  
Blogger Millie said...

So incredibly beautiful.

9:44 PM  
Blogger Bugsy said...

That is so beautifully written. It just oozes peace and love. Many hugs to you all.

3:08 AM  
Blogger Lindy said...

Beautifully put. It will be different and hard and a strain on your relationship at times. But it's also going to be beyond wonderful for the three of you.

5:10 AM  
Blogger Ally said...

For us, in many ways, my pregnancy was our honeymoon period. We had had many issues and our relationship was still fragile when I got pregnant, but we grew so close during those 9 months.

I look back at that time, and know that we'll not likely experience that kind of closeness again. Something about preparing for your first child, it's a unique experience and one to cherish.

6:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is indeed a very special time. And when your daugther does something cute, or new, or says something funny, you'll look at each other and smile. And it will be the absolutely best thing. Jill

6:26 AM  
Anonymous wessel said...

This was very eloquently written.

But it will be more than okay; you'll see. :-)

11:49 AM  
Anonymous thisgirl said...

Very lovely post.

4:09 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Extraordinary, how even good loves have spaces filled with mourning, and rightly so. But you are wrong. there will be quiet afternoons - not many for a while, but there WILL be quiet afternoons where you will dream together of the shapeshifting child who will still have the ability to be anything, once born, and who will be shapeshifitng for many many years to come, with you watching your husband sleep and remembering how love is weaved. You'll be surprised Bugs, you'll see, and it will surely be different in ways that will reshape your soul.

And we'll be here to celebrate with you.

2:33 AM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

It will be triple the love, my dear Bugs though I think you should really enjoy the quiet right now ;)

3:20 AM  
Blogger Sweet Coalminer said...

Beautiful post

8:20 AM  
Blogger Ornery said...

What a sweet image, and so beautifully written. I can picture it all in my head.

12:34 PM  
Blogger sherry said...

So beautiful, Bugs.

Those reserves, you'll find, are endless, and although at times it may seem as though you're tapping into the very, last drop, you're not.

So, so happy for you!

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Menita said...

If anything, there will be more. I used to have the same thoughts, until she was here...and I can truly say there has never been more love in my house than now, more love betweem me and D now that she is here. It all gets better, fuller, magical.
And Lioness is absolutely right about the shapeshifting child remaining - every day, every afternoon, your magical little one will astound you. And you will have quiet moments, just the three of you, and they will be astonishingly, heart-rendingly beautiful. You'll see : )

10:20 AM  
Blogger Mellie said...

Oh Bugs - THIS is the kind of post that makes me cry - in a good way. You are so beautiful.

And I have no fear that the love between you and Jeff will only deepen and grow as the years - with whatever they might bring - go on.

11:08 AM  
Anonymous Molly said...

That was awesome. In the original sense of the word.

6:34 AM  
Blogger emily said...

another perfectly lovely post.

6:02 PM  
Blogger April said...

This was perhaps your most beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes.

10:56 AM  
Anonymous laura said...

What beautiful thoughts. What a special man, and special babe.

7:49 PM  
Blogger MC said...

Beautifully written. It brought tears to my eyes.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

What an evocative post - beautifully said.

2:08 PM  
Blogger tracey said...

I've waited and waited to comment on this post because it was so beautiful and it hit so close to home. I love the moments of our life together like you described. I don't make plans so we can have more time like that on the weekends.And after a long journey, feeling like there was someone missing in our nest, we are finally pregnant. And now I realize our nest will never be quite the same with another, with a "new center" as you so eloquently put it. I'm so excited for our new family and already missing the quiet times where we nurture just each other. Those times have been the core of my strength and peace. I hope we've stored up enough to carry us through what lies ahead.

Thanks, thanks, thanks for your beautiful post.

Tracey

7:38 AM  

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