Monday, November 07, 2005

How do I pass the time?

There is a brief calm before the next storm here at work, and it has opened up this time and space in my head that I wish were firmly filled with urgent, unemotional things.

I keep thinking about the results. When my mind wanders away for even a moment and then is snagged again on the amnio bramble, my heart races and I can't breathe quite right. Thinking about it without interruption is the only way that I can keep the panic at bay.

I had a dream last night that the news was bad. They were going to run more tests, dozens or hundreds, but the best possible prognosis was still terrible. I was heaving and unable to make a sound, and then I half-awoke. For a few seconds I thought the dream and more had come to pass, and that I was struggling to regain my senses from the sedation of a D&C. When I finally got my eyes to open, I just shook. Jeff didn't wake up.

10 Comments:

Anonymous Alexa said...

Oh Bugs. How horrible. I can't think of any suggestions for distracting yourself, I would imagine that would be impossible. I am wishing as hard as I can for good results for you, my dear...

4:45 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

That sounds just awful. I wish I could give you a magic pill to make the time go faster so that you can get your good results and move on from this scary place.

5:27 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

Oh my God, a D$C dream. I can think of no worse nightmare. Hang in there Bugs.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous wessel said...

I'm sorry Bugs. I hate bad dreams, but they are rarely prophetic, so hang in there. When do your results come back? I don't think there is much you can do except take life one minute at a time.

10:17 PM  
Blogger persephone said...

Bugs, this must be torture. You can control over your thoughts while you're awake, but they'll still get you when you're sleeping, eh?

I hope you don't have much longer to wait. More importantly, I hope the news is the farthest possible thing from the stuff of your nightmares.

10:57 PM  
Anonymous Kath said...

Bugs, I am so sorry about what you must be going through right now. I really wish there were an effective distraction. Forget baby dust -- it's fast-forward dust that's needed here. Have you tried mindless video nights? They're the best thing I've found so far, because movies -- at least good ones -- are absorbing and don't let your mind wander as much as other activities do.

I'm so hoping your results will come back in record time, that they will set your mind at ease, and that the rest of this pregnancy will be long, anxiety-free and uneventful. Thinking of you.

12:58 AM  
Blogger April said...

This must be so difficult for you. I'm so incredibly sorry.

5:18 AM  
Blogger fisher queen said...

I'm sorry you are having to endure another awful wait. I hope it comes out well and you can start to enjoy your pregnancy.

7:39 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

Hoping like hell that the rest of the wait zips by. That good news (I've become an optimist in my old age) can't get here soon enough to set your mind at ease. I got my amnio results back on the tenth day of the wait--I hope that's the case for you, after all, that would mean you'd know by the end of this week. They'll be in before you know it. The wait is torture as are the games that one's mind plays in that time.

8:20 AM  
Anonymous Tine said...

Lordy, the agony! Can't a bug get a break around here? I think Kath's movie idea is a great one. It usually works for me...I wind up dreaming about the movies (b/c they leave so many images swimming around in my head) instead of whatever's bugging me.

12:06 PM  

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