How do I pass the time?
There is a brief calm before the next storm here at work, and it has opened up this time and space in my head that I wish were firmly filled with urgent, unemotional things.
I keep thinking about the results. When my mind wanders away for even a moment and then is snagged again on the amnio bramble, my heart races and I can't breathe quite right. Thinking about it without interruption is the only way that I can keep the panic at bay.
I had a dream last night that the news was bad. They were going to run more tests, dozens or hundreds, but the best possible prognosis was still terrible. I was heaving and unable to make a sound, and then I half-awoke. For a few seconds I thought the dream and more had come to pass, and that I was struggling to regain my senses from the sedation of a D&C. When I finally got my eyes to open, I just shook. Jeff didn't wake up.