Thursday, November 10, 2005

Faith

Faith is a word that makes me take a step back. Its religious connotations are immediate and make me uncomfortable, but it's more than that. As a general, aspiritual concept, it is simply something with which I am not personally acquainted.

When we started trekking the infertile trails, those very few people who knew of the hike insisted that we should have faith--faith that we'd get to the top, faith that it would work out for the best. My regular doctor said we should have faith that our bodies knew what to do and would do it eventually (the futile path of charting and sex that this sent us on, I will not go into here). My first RE said we should have faith in medicine, faith in his skill and faith in the power of positive thought.

A friend in San Francisco said we should have faith in fate.

A friend in Texas said we should have faith in Jesus, and she prayed for us.

When waiting for that first beta, I wanted to have faith in the possibility of simple possibility. When The Bad Test came back, I wanted to have faith in the odds. Since The Good Test came back, I have wanted--badly, badly--to have faith that she will keep growing and kicking and that, one day in early April, she will come home with us.

I've realized, though, that it's just not a part of my internal makeup--that there are only two things in my life to which I might, even tentatively, apply the concept of faith. One is Jeff, whom I love and trust beyond measure, and of whom I believe all good things in a way that may or may not be wholly rational. The other is that I have no idea what will happen next.

12 Comments:

Blogger Anne said...

You know, even the Bible says of faith, "faith, hope, and love.. the greatest of these is love." You and Jeff have that, and that's saying a whole lot. May you soon be able to share that love with BabyBug.

Thanks so much for your comment. It's always a thrill when you stop by.

7:43 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Faith? In the face of infertility? Blech. Too much like Nate in the final series of SFU.

Bug, you just keep hanging in there any way you can, kay?

2:34 AM  
Anonymous soxy said...

I know what will happen. You will give birth to beautiful baby girl and when they flop her on your chest after what will hopefully be a short labor, you will never see anything more beautiful in your whole life. Jeff will not be your first love anymore, trust me:) It's gonna be smooth sailing from here on out.

5:19 AM  
Anonymous Tine said...

Oh boy, Bugs, do I know what you mean.

Incidentally, I think faith in and love for Jeff is an excellent start.

6:05 AM  
Anonymous Alexa said...

I know what you mean, too. For me it is especially hard to have faith when it is something I want so badly. We will have faith for you, though--that you will have the best April of your life.

6:17 PM  
Anonymous thalia said...

Bugs, I'm sorry I didn't think to check to get the good news til now. I'm so very pleased. I also understand that you won't let yourself rejoice, maybe not ever, because I'm sure once the baby is born it will be terrifying thinking of her out there in the world. But for now I'm just so delighted that babybugs is doing well, and that you have Jeff there to support you.

9:08 AM  
Blogger Donna said...

I'm just starting to get caught up on the gals I'm about to meet...I'm glad I'm coming in at such a joyous time!

7:13 PM  
Anonymous Day said...

I know how you're feeling and all I can tell you is that it gets much better. The strange thing is that for me, when the baby came, the faith came with him. Hang in there. It's all good.

6:10 AM  
Blogger LabiaLady said...

Hallelujah!

I hear what you're saying about the "faith" thing.

good luck to you & yours...

5:34 PM  
Anonymous patricia said...

I have faith in myself, and, like you, faith that I do not know what is around the bend, and faith that I have no control.

While that sounds cynical, it is actually quite reassuring. It does make me live in the moment, when I can really feel that faith.

Faith that something or someone is going to look after me is just not a part of my view of the world. Not anymore, anyways. But I feel more comfortable without that kind of faith, because it let me down so often.

2:33 PM  
Blogger Catizhere said...

So, have you picked a name for her yet?
oh, I dunno..... maybe.....
Faith?

1:31 PM  
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2:19 AM  

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