Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Not there yet

I have a dozen self-pitying posts that keep trying to come up, like bile, but the thought of putting them out leaves an acrid taste in my mouth.

There is nothing new to say. I have no reason to assume that something has gone wrong with the one that remains, even if my anxiety swells tangibly day by day. I'm counting on the promise of time to bring some semblance of equanimity.

Do you think it works that way--time, I mean?

29 Comments:

Blogger kristenL said...

I hope that time will help eventually.

I am praying daily for your little one, you, and Jeff. And I am not a prayer.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

Dear Bugs,

My thoughts are with you. You have been through so much. I'm impressed you're able to post at all, but very glad that you are.

About time's power to heal, someone said something recently that I really liked. You never ever "get over" a loss. In some sense it's always with you and becomes part of you. But you do reach a point where you're able to "get on" with life. So I hope that the rest of this pregnancy will go more smoothly and that you will at some point enjoy the feeling of going with it. But I think the hard place you're at right now is only to be expected. Hang in there.

6:31 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

Time does help. It helped me get past this, though I "only" lost one, not two. The period right after I found out (the week or so after) was really the most stressful time I can remember in my entire life. I was so sure the second one was going to go, too. It's been ten weeks since then and even though I am still sad about the one we lost, I am feeling much, much better. I hope you will too. I am thinking of you.

8:21 PM  
Anonymous Chinkis said...

Time will definitely lighten things up.. but healing? I think it depends on the person. If you are not the brooding over types, u'll get over it.
But now, you have to get over it for the third one. Fill your mind with positive thoughts.
Just try this if you can. Keep telling yourself 25 times a day or more that the little one is going to be all right.. and tell the little one that you baldy need him/her. This WILL work. It will stick on to you.
Am an occassional reader and praying for you Bugs. Wishing the very best and only the very best for you.

12:57 AM  
Blogger Galloping Cats said...

Time definitely helps. It doesn't erase the sadness or the fear, but it makes them recede-- makes you feel those feelings less often.

If you're feeling anxious about the acrobat, can you just ask for another ultrasound? In my first trimester (until I could hear the hearbeat with my home doppler kit), I went every Friday afternoon, just for peace of mind. The doctor was amazing about that.

5:15 AM  
Anonymous Ollie said...

I don't know how time works, honey. I just hope it works in your favor. I'm thinking about you and offering you a million hugs and a lot of love.

6:44 AM  
Anonymous reprogirl said...

I am so sorry about your two. To lose two more babies, after everything you've been through, it's so, so sad.
I think this is the last wall you have to get over. I think soon you are going to be on the other side.

6:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugs, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. I guess all i hope is that that 3rd one stays in there and that it would be very very weird to not be mourning the loss of the other two. Hopefully, with time, the pain will lessen, but I think it'll always be there a bit. It just might get easier to cope with. You're in my thoughts. Jen jenbuster@gmail.com

7:00 AM  
Blogger Claudia said...

Time is the only thing that helps, in my opinion.

I'm so sorry this has been such a rollercoaster for you. I hope its smoother sailing from here on out.

7:04 AM  
Anonymous Alexa said...

Yes, I think time helps, but it's not a simple curve, it has some dips in it where it is hard even after things are mostly better, and I think the way you are feeling is exactly to be expected--don't worry about being self-pitying. I am wishing the best things for you, Bugs, and thinking of you.

8:53 AM  
Anonymous Katherine said...

I am well past the loss of my twin at about the same gestation as you - the remaining twin will soon turn two. About a week ago I had the only dream I have ever had about the twin and, it was comforting and not the least bit upsetting. Time does help

11:16 AM  
Blogger Anna H. said...

Oh Bugs, I'm so sorry you have to be going through all of this uncertainty and pain.

I'm here with you, waiting it out.

xxoo

11:35 AM  
Blogger April said...

Oh Bugs. You and Jeff are in my thoughts right now.

The passage of time does not erase, I don't think - but it does ease. How I wish that "r" was in both...

Thinking of you.

12:14 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

{{{{Bugs}}}}...I am so sorry you are dealing with the added fear that comes after a loss. Time, ultrasounds, and feeling movement do work to help ease the terror but I must be honest and say I don't think it ever entirely goes away. I am praying for you dear.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Cass said...

I have no idea, but I'm hoping time makes it easier. And for now, know we're thinking of you and Jeff and the little one.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Zarqa said...

A very sincere {{hug}}. Yes, time does work that way I think. Well, actually it sort of works by putting layers and layers of cloud-like stuff over that one experience making it less raw, less out-there. Of course, you never forget though.

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Day said...

Time will definitely help. Your little one is in my thoughts and prayers. This must be such a strange time for you - please hang in there. It most certainly will get better.

8:44 PM  
Anonymous thalia said...

I think you will probably always miss those two potential babies, but that the reality of the one who will stay with you will help make that loss manageable.

11:53 PM  
Blogger Anotherjen said...

I believe that things hurt less often in time, not nessisarily less. The pain of my loss and of other losses in my life still spring up from time to time and hurt like it happened yesterday- but it's gone from having that pain every day to a few pain free hours, then eventually that time inbetween inconsolable crying got longer and longer until the days were filled with other things aside from grief.
they will always be with you, but it won't always hurt this bad. I'm really sorry.

8:31 AM  
Anonymous patricia said...

Bugs, I haven't even looked at a blog in weeks - and I can't believe the roller coaster you have been on.

I am hoping very hard with you, and I am also scared with you.

I am so sorry for the loss, and am pleading for the dancing one to stay.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Cricket said...

By my count, you were 11 weeks yesterday. Wishing you more time...

4:56 PM  
Anonymous thigirl said...

Time certainly does help.....and this little one is in it for the long haul. I believe that, he/she ain't going anywhere.

This WILL work bubs. It will.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Kath said...

Thinking of you bugs.

12:38 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I just found your blog and am torn on what to say, besides that my heart goes out to you, the squirmy baby and the two who didn't make it.

4:59 AM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Thinking of you Bugs and hoping all is going well with the remaining little one.

2:44 PM  
Blogger K|nneret said...

Time does help - and it will, slowly. Not all, not everything, but it helps.

Wishing you peace, Bugs.

5:58 AM  
Blogger chris said...

I think time does help.

Hang in there.

7:57 AM  
Blogger Lindy said...

Haven't heard from you in a while and wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.

Hang in there, sweetie.

12:27 PM  
Blogger TigerJen said...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm thinking of you and hoping you and your little one are well.

6:43 PM  

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