No decision to be made
A second tiny spot of brown gave me the first ambiguous indication, just this morning, before the 11:30 ultrasound.
Two of the fetuses gave up. They are there, clearly visible, but their heartbeats are gone. I am numb and sad and fearful in alternating measures. How long will this adjustment take, the giving up of my imagined three? When will I be able to embrace and cherish the fact that I still have one, even if that one now seems even more precarious?
But that one--that one was something to see. All four limbs were dancing and waving, there were somersaults and twists, a bundle of motion. I want to remember that extraordinary moment untainted, but, to be honest, I was focused even then on descrying some sign of life in the other two sacs, which looked smaller and static. A minute later, the doctor trained his wand more carefully on them and confirmed what my untrained eyes could already see: no movement, no heartbeat.
I know that there are advantages. I know that I should appreciate not having to make the horrible decision. But I want them back.