Wednesday, September 07, 2005

No decision to be made

A second tiny spot of brown gave me the first ambiguous indication, just this morning, before the 11:30 ultrasound.

Two of the fetuses gave up. They are there, clearly visible, but their heartbeats are gone. I am numb and sad and fearful in alternating measures. How long will this adjustment take, the giving up of my imagined three? When will I be able to embrace and cherish the fact that I still have one, even if that one now seems even more precarious?

But that one--that one was something to see. All four limbs were dancing and waving, there were somersaults and twists, a bundle of motion. I want to remember that extraordinary moment untainted, but, to be honest, I was focused even then on descrying some sign of life in the other two sacs, which looked smaller and static. A minute later, the doctor trained his wand more carefully on them and confirmed what my untrained eyes could already see: no movement, no heartbeat.

I know that there are advantages. I know that I should appreciate not having to make the horrible decision. But I want them back.

76 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've lurked here off and on. I'm so, so sorry. Losing a child hurts no matter when and how. I will be hoping and praying for their sibling.

3:16 PM  
Blogger chaos_girl said...

I'm also very, very sorry :( I'm a lurker too...

3:28 PM  
Blogger stephanie said...

Aww honey. that sucks.

3:42 PM  
Blogger Dramalish said...

I want them back for you, too.

I am so so sorry that you lost them, Bugs. That just isn't fair.

Don't worry about when you'll be able to rejoice in your little wiggler... it will come. And you will.

My prayers and wishes of peace to you,
-D.

3:50 PM  
Anonymous elizabeth said...

I'm sorry. I'm a new reader, but with you completely. This will all be over one day.

3:59 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

New reader just wanting to say I'm sorry. There are no words.

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Ollie said...

Oh god. Bugs. I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I am very glad to hear your one is beating along well, but I am mourning your other two.

4:07 PM  
Blogger Larisa said...

I want them back for you too. Hard decision and all. I am so so so sorry you have lost them.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Sheryl said...

Oh I'm so sorry Bugs. I wish you could have them back :(

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Z said...

i'm so sorry. losoing a child no matter what age will always hurt. you and your little ray of hope will be in my thoughts...

4:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, bugs.

5:20 PM  
Blogger Sandy said...

Oh Bugs...my heart aches for you tonight. It may have taken the horrible decision out of your hands, but it doesn't make it any easier. Thinking of you.

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Bugs. My heart is aching for you and Jeff and your lost ones. Of course there are no words, but know that all my love and support is with you both as you grieve.

Wiggler

6:14 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I'm soo sorry you're going through this.

6:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Bugs. Of course there are no words for this. Losing a child is pain that no one should experience. Twice over is even more devastating. My heart is with you and Jeff as you grieve.

Wiggler
(I hope you actually get this, since it's the second time I've tried to post)

6:20 PM  
Anonymous J said...

Oh no. My deepest condolences on the loss of two little ones. I am so very sorry.

6:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Bugs. Please take good care of yourself.

Love,
Emily

6:24 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I'm so sorry Bugs. Still having the one doesn't making losing two any easier. *hugs*

6:35 PM  
Blogger LabiaLady said...

I am so sorry.

6:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so, so sorry.

Linda
http://indigogirl.typepad.com

7:19 PM  
Anonymous kiwi said...

Oh no I'm so sorry Bugs.

7:31 PM  
Blogger Anotherjen said...

I'm so sorry

7:39 PM  
Blogger persephone said...

Oh Bugs, I'm so sorry!

7:56 PM  
Blogger penelope said...

What an unbelievable emotional roller coaster you must be on. I'm so sorry but I'm also so happy for the baby dancer bouncing around in there.

8:38 PM  
Blogger MC said...

So sorry and very sad.

1:14 AM  
Blogger Bugsy said...

oh bugs. I am so sorry. It is so very unfair, and I wish I could give them back to you. So very sad. thinking of you.

1:47 AM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh sweetie, I wish you could have them back, healthy and kicking as well. So sad. I'm so sorry, Bugs. And I'm hoping good hopes for the little one.

3:19 AM  
Anonymous b said...

Oh Bugs, you've been through such a whirlwind of emotions. I'm so sorry that these decisions are being made without your consent. You are in my thoughts.

3:28 AM  
Blogger Lala said...

I don't think there's anything quite as painful as that momnet when you realize with your own eyes that there is no hearbeat. My heart goes out to you for that.

4:00 AM  
Anonymous deborah said...

Oh, Bugs. Just...oh, crap, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. But I'm also simultaneously cheering on your little acrobat. Hang in there...

4:42 AM  
Anonymous Leggy said...

Oh crap- I'm so sorry this happened.

5:31 AM  
Anonymous T said...

Bugs, I am so sorry for your loss. Take care.

5:36 AM  
Blogger Galloping Cats said...

Oh Bugs, I'm so sorry for the losses and at the same time so happy for the acrobatic one and that you don't have to make such a terrible decision. What a roller coaster. Thinking of you.

5:39 AM  
Anonymous Alexa said...

Oh, dear Bugs...I am so sorry, really I am.

6:02 AM  
Blogger chris said...

I'm sorry.

6:12 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Bugs baby, I'm so so sorry.

6:31 AM  
Blogger Suz said...

Oh, Bugs. I'm so sorry.

7:14 AM  
Blogger April said...

My dear bugs... I am so incredibly sorry.

My heart and thoughts are with you.

7:18 AM  
Blogger Lindy said...

Oh my gosh, Bugs. My jaw just dropped in horror when I read your news. There are no words. I'm so happy that you were able to see the little one doing jumping jacks, but so sorry that that wonderful moment had to be such a sad one too.

7:22 AM  
Anonymous Tine said...

Joy and pain always seem to come together, don't they? As if life isn't confusing enough already. I'm sorry for your loss but so, so happy for the little baby boogie-ing in your belly.

7:37 AM  
Blogger 'da woman said...

I'm a lurker too - so sorry about your loss - I'll keep you in my prayers.

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Molly said...

Oh, no. How heartbreaking to have such a horrible decision made for you. I'm thinking of you.

7:50 AM  
Blogger PJ said...

I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm glad your remaining baby is doing so well.

7:50 AM  
Blogger LizziePea said...

Man, you have been through so much...thinking of you an dhoping that your little wiggler continues to be strong...

8:23 AM  
Blogger Blue said...

Oh I am so sorry. You and your remaining little dancer are in my thoughts.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Cricket said...

Bugs,
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some middle ground within this simultaneous happiness and sadness.

9:20 AM  
Anonymous Orodemniades said...

Good gods. I don't know what to say...I'll light a candle for you all.

9:21 AM  
Anonymous thalia said...

I'm so sorry Bugs, it must feel horrible to have lost those potential babies. It is great news that the other one is doing so well.

9:59 AM  
Anonymous Rori said...

So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts to you and your little one.

10:34 AM  
Anonymous Amanda said...

so sorry bugs!

10:48 AM  
Blogger Brooke said...

Even if this ends up being "for the best" (whatever that means), I can only imagine how much it hurts. I hope everyone in your life can understand.

I'm so sorry. Will keep you and the babe in my prayers.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Em said...

I was really hoping that you would be able to carry all three. I am really sad to hear your news but hopeful because you have your little wriggler.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I'm so sorry.

11:24 AM  
Blogger Anna H. said...

Oh, Bugs.

I'm so sorry.

xxoo

11:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I will keep the little breakdancer in my thoughts.

1:49 PM  
Anonymous Menita said...

Oh Bugs, in all honesty, I just don't know what to say. In one way I am so sorry, in another I am so happy that your little dancing bean is there, squirming around happily.

3:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh shit, bugs. I am so so sorry. This whole loss of choice--over and over--is just so unfair, to you and yours. I'm just so sorry, my friend.

Much love and good wishes to Baby Bugs and you.

Karen/naked ovary

3:58 PM  
Blogger laura said...

Nothing to say except that I'm so so sorry you have to deal with all this loss.

5:04 PM  
Blogger Anne said...

My God, what a roller coaster. Hoping hard for you that the ride will smooth out from here on. And in the meantime I hope you'll be able to regain some equilibrium.

6:02 PM  
Blogger Millie said...

I'm so very sorry, bugs. Take good care of yourself. Glad to hear your little acrobat is doing well.

(Also sorry to hear about your grandmother. I lost mine last week too).

6:35 PM  
Anonymous Day said...

Bugs, I am so so sorry.

7:32 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

I am so very sorry Bugs.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Julia S said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. What terrible news.

8:42 PM  
Blogger Ova Girl said...

Very very sorry Bugs. So glad the third is thriving and well but very sad for your two little ones.

1:32 PM  
Blogger K|nneret said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It seems you've been hovering between joy and grief for far too long, Bugs. Peace and healing to you.

4:52 PM  
Anonymous Wavery said...

Oh God.

9:42 PM  
Blogger sirbarrett said...

Poor girl. I hope you're ok. The one sounds very lively at least, terrific dancer and all. I'll pray for you both.

5:49 PM  
Blogger wessel said...

Oh gosh, Bug, I am so sorry. Yes, it makes logical sense that a singleton pregnancy will be easier and healthier than a triplet one, bla bla bla, but the truth is that you lost two of your babies and that hurts. I am sending you a hug through the cyberwaves.

8:55 PM  
Anonymous Mandy said...

My deepest sympathies at the loss of your children, my heartfelt joy in celebrating the heartbeat and acrobatics of your remaining child.

Thinking of you all.

9:28 PM  
Blogger Toni said...

I am so very sorry to hear this. I'm sending love.

10:22 AM  
Anonymous MichelleL said...

Wanted to add in my sympathies. What an incredibly bittersweet turn of events.

Positive thoughts to you, your DH, and the little one growing inside you.

11:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Bugs.

12:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss.
Andrea

3:15 AM  
Blogger cda2 said...

Oh, Bug. I'm so sorry. I'm delighted about the one, but understand your sadness about the two. Good thoughts being sent cross-country to you.

7:02 AM  
Blogger JJ said...

Oh Hon, I'm sorry.

1:40 PM  
Blogger tania said...

So so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your grandmother is taking good care of them and they'll all be watching over the rest of your pregnancy.

3:43 PM  

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