Monday, August 22, 2005

Wishing it were otherwise

When JJ persuaded Mare, Jen and me to get off our long-winded arses and start our own blogs, instead of filling up the comments on a trying-to-conceive buddy group we all had joined, the three of us were comparatively fresh-faced and dewey-eyed. We'd each been trying for a fair while --a year, maybe more--and were starting to feel a bit worn down, but injectibles and procedures were still to come. I remember thinking myself a bit of a fraud for even labeling myself "infertile"; I hadn't really paid my dues, at least not by comparison to so many in Blogland. I mean, all three of us were still having sex at that point, and actually holding out hope for a result each cycle. We knew something was not quite right, but the possibilities for diagnosis and repair were endless.

Me, I had a feeling--a maudlin, pessimistic feeling (don't I always)--that I would end up in the deep end. But I kept expecting, hopefully but with a fair lump of envy, that Jen and Mare would get that positive one unmedicated IUI, or on some Mediterranean vacation. But that didn't happen, and it didn't happen, and it didn't happen some more. And while our paths were very different, they ended up in the same place: IVF, Summer 2005.

I know I shouldn't have expected us to go three-for-three, but I was sure that, if it was two-for-three, I would be the one who struck out. So when I got a positive, and then Jen got a positive, I was certain that Mare would make it three. And when I eagerly opened Bloglines to read her post last week, full of optimism for good news, I couldn't really take it in for a few minutes. And then I started to cry.

Mare, I wish to god you didn't have to deal with this pain. It hurts so much, and it lasts so long, and there is no fairness in it. With all my heart, I wanted this to work for you.

5 Comments:

Blogger Kristin said...

I am so sad about what Mare is going through...and I'm glad she is getting so much support.

11:12 PM  
Anonymous Jen said...

I thought the same thing. It is utterly unfair, and I am pretty pissed off at the universe right now.

8:22 AM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Oh Bugs. Thanks for posting this. I wish I could reach across the pond and give her a hug right now.

8:49 AM  
Anonymous B. Mare said...

Oh, thank you sweetness, for writing this. Yes, remember sex- and thinking one could get pregnant that way? SEX? Hahahaha. Good times, good times.

But it's funny because whereas you thought you would be the one to strike out, I always knew deep down it would be me. And that is part of the great sadness of infertility-it leaves us inevitably comparing ourselves to others, and doubting ourselves so badly in the process.

For what it's worth, I am so very happy you both made it off the island, and I hope you never have to come back. All I can hope is that I'm not too far behind you and that we all get to meet up one day, safely on the other side.

10:59 AM  
Blogger JJ said...

*sniff* You girls break my heart.

1:02 PM  

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