Friday, August 26, 2005

Sea of questions

Thank you for your generous comments, support, suggestions and kindness. You are giving me the strength to believe that I will find a way to cope with this soon.

I am still in overwhelm and still in shock. The more information I get, the more torn and terrified I feel. The options, slim as they are, are not good--not good at all. There are many happy stories of successful triplet pregnancies with perfect outcomes. And there are poignant statistics on the devastating effects of severe prematurity in triplets.

The sensible part of me wants something I still can hardly fathom: that a potential baby in my womb would not make it, would quietly give up. The others would be safer, and I know that would be best. The irrational part, hungry and greedy, wants them all to stay, and damn the consequences.

In the end, the choice will be about the best interests of these tenacious little creatures that have so surprisingly decided to stay with me, at least for now. We will see a specialist, we will ask a hundred questions, and Jeff will be there to help make the decision if I start to lose perspective. For now, though, I'm still wandering in a haze of uncertainty.

35 Comments:

Blogger Cricket said...

A plan. A specialist. You are focused and you will find your way. You are a very strong couple.

10:15 PM  
Blogger elle said...

Oh my goodness. That's quite a lot to process. I'm not quite sure what to say, except that I know you will make the right decision, whatever that is.

10:44 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

Seeing a specialist is definately a good thing. You will gather options and make the best decision... the two of you together. Take care, Bugs.

1:28 AM  
Blogger Em said...

Triplets! I was floored when I read your post. I hope you find a way that is right for you. Stay strong.

2:20 AM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh Bugs, how scary and what heart-breaking guilt-inducing possibilities as well. I know you and Jeff would have them all and safe. I also now you wll in the end decide what you think will be best for your children in your particular situation. There will never be the need for guilt over that bcs you will do your utmost best.

I cannot imagine how it must feel to be in your shoes right now, sweetie. I am and will be thinking of you all.

3:22 AM  
Blogger Lindy said...

This is a situation H. and I have talked about a lot, but I know that neither of us has really accepted that its a possibility. We're all thinking about you so much. I know that you and Jeff can handle this and make the best decision for your family. We'll be here for you whatever happens and whatever you decide.

4:00 AM  
Blogger D. said...

I'm sure the right decision will be made. Good luck and I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you.

6:46 AM  
Blogger D. said...

I'm sure the right decision will be made. Good luck and I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you.

6:46 AM  
Anonymous Alexa said...

I won't say I know how you feel because I just don't, I can't even imagine, really. I am thinking of you, though, and wishing the very best for you. Terror and amazement seem to go together often, don't they?

7:05 AM  
Blogger PJ said...

You and Jeff will make a decision that's right for you and your babies. I know this has got to be a difficult and amazing time for you.

Hang in there.

7:38 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

A perinatologist should be able to give you a really accurate view of your risks. Good luck, all of you.

7:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're in my prayers sweetie. A specialist is definitely a way to go.

xxoo,
Emily

8:32 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

You both have travelled far in your quest--far enough to have the wisdom and strength to help you make the decisions that are right for you and your family. All my best to you and Jeff--I admire your strength during this time.

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Z said...

i know this is all so difficult. i wish you could just have some certainty and guarantees. you and those three little joys are in my thoughts and prayers.

9:27 AM  
Blogger TigerJen said...

OMG! I spend a week away from blog-land working my arse off to get the school year started and I miss this! This is exciting!

I can't wait to hear about how things go with the peri. You are going to develop a plan. It's not time to panic yet. Stay calm for those babies.

*Hugs*

10:23 AM  
Blogger amyesq said...

All I can say is good luck with everything. I pray that the best possible outcome is reached - whatever that is. We are here for you.

6:31 PM  
Anonymous thalia said...

Knowing that you will find a way through this. We can't advise or assvice you this time, just offer you our support.

3:19 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

No assvice, no questions. Just wanted you and your husband to know you are in my prayers.

5:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A friend pointed me to your blog. I am in your same boat. We found out on August 25th that we are carrying 3. I am 8w3d today. I cried so loudly that I am sure all the patients in the waiting room and neighboring rooms could hear me. I am devestated by this news. I begged for a sign that maybe one was smaller, or maybe one had a much slower hb. Unfortunately they all measure the same and hb's are very strong. If you are not in my shoes or have never walked this torturous walk, then you can't understand how sad that was to hear. I wish he had lied to me. My clinic does not do a CVS test. They told me they take one at random. I am not comfortable with this and I'm going to go elsewhere to get a second opinion. I am sorry you are going through this. I am sorry I am going through this. If you want to chat feel free to email me. (put multiple PG as your subject line so I will know who you are). I have not told friends or family. My husband and I are going through this alone.

8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had 2 babies that were the same size and one was smaller. Then that 3rd one had a heartbeat. But it was always smaller than the other two.

My dh and my doctors all said that I should hope that the 3rd one would be reabsorbed. I couldn't do that. It was my 11th IVF. At 11 weeks, the 3rd h/b stopped. I had bleeding for the rest of my pregnancy and was worried about the twins the whole time.

Fast forward to where I am now: beautiful b/g 6 month old twins. I was on bedrest, they were 7 weeks early but they couldn't be more perfect. Though I was heartbroken over the loss of the 3rd one, it was better for these two.

I feel for you. I am hoping for whatever is best for you.

11:06 AM  
Blogger DeadBug said...

Dear Anonymous who's in the same boat, please email me through the link on my blog as I don't know how to reach you. I would love to talk about this with someone who is in the middle of the same thing (sounds like almost exactly the same thing, just one day off).

--Bugs

12:12 PM  
Anonymous Julia S said...

Dear Bugs,

I am very very happy for your pregnancy and very very sorry you are facing so much anxiety.

I am keeping very good thoughts for you.

2:02 PM  
Blogger sirbarrett said...

This is quite...amazing! I'm sorry this causes so much worry, but it still deserves a huge congratulations! I haven't visited for awhile so I didn't know how things were going, considering that you wanted to have a baby. Now you are pregnant with...three!! I know you must be terrified and overwhelmed, but isn't this wonderful in a way? It can be very dangerous yes, but stranger things have happened and been pulled off by modern medical science. I wish you and Jeff the very best.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous j said...

I'm sorry you're facing such a difficult situation, Bugs. Thinking of you.

4:33 PM  
Blogger Ova Girl said...

Good luck Bugs, hope you get the answers you need. Such a bittersweet situation, so sorry and yet happy for you too.

2:49 AM  
Blogger Kath said...

Coming in really late in the piece...but fuck, Triplets!

I can't even imagine how your feeling but you seem to be approaching the situation like any sane person would - going straight to a specialist. I hope they can guide you through it all.

Good luck
kath

4:07 AM  
Blogger wessel said...

Good Golly!!! I've been remiss in my blog reading, and came on today to find this. Wow, Bugs. I know it is scary (I would be terrified too, don't get me wrong), but . . . think of it this way--many women have successfully carried triplets, and you have a good chance of doing that too. I'm glad you are seeing a specialist. Hopefully that will allay some of your concerns (though no doubt will raise others). There is also still the chance that one will re-absorb. I was once told never to worry about multiples until after the first trimester is completed, because so much can happen during that initial phase of pregnancy, and you may naturally go down to twins.

Thinking of you! But boy, is this news! Who'd have thunk?

7:23 AM  
Anonymous T said...

Bittersweet indeed. Good luck - thinking of you.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

No wisdom. Just a whole of heart hugging going on here.

12:09 PM  
Anonymous Menita said...

Oh heavens.
Absolutely no wisdom to offer - what a difficult situation to be in. I am thinking of you and supporting you through whatever may come.

1:01 PM  
Blogger April said...

My heart is with you - I hope you know that Bugs.

Sweet heaven you have so much on you right now... I wish we (the internets) could do something more tangible... that we could reach through the monitor and hold your hand and just do whatever you needed.

But we can't - not exactly anyway...

Seeing a specialist is definitely the best option right now. The two of your are strong, resilient, and will be able to better sort through your options after that meeting.

And if they don't answer your questions to your satisfaction, see another doctor. And another. and another until you know what you need to.

You're in our thoughts.

8:11 AM  
Anonymous Mandy said...

I've nothing to offer in the way of advise or knowledge, just my prayers for you. It can't be easy.

12:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First of all congratulations! Hoping your visit with the specialist helps calm some of your concerns. My sisters sister in law has triplets and they are divine. I too had MAJOR fears carrying twins after a late miscarriage. All my worrying for naught. Take a deep breath and be good to yourself.

9:19 PM  
Anonymous thisgirl said...

Where the hell have I been?

Wow. Just Wow.

I wish you all the luck in the world that this works out in the best possible way.

12:27 PM  
Blogger laura said...

Due to the fact that (a) it’s a holiday weekend approaching, (b) I’m self employed so I can do whatever the heck I feel like, and (c) I have no customers anyway … I’ve just spent a lovely morning {now later afternoon} with a cup {many cups} of tea reading your entire blog. From the beginning.

I, too, have a “J” with some fertility issues. I love your story about your dad and his impeccable grammar, it rings familiar in my mind.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I’ve enjoyed my morning (now afternoon and all day long) reading, and wishing you and J the best on this new journey.

P.S. I love cheese, too.

1:36 PM  

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