Monday, August 08, 2005


The mind-numbing shock of the positive is wearing off, replaced by the heart-numbing fear of what we'll see on the ultrasound monitor this Wednesday. The unreality of success has been surpassed by the terror of loss. Having something to lose is much more difficult than I would have guessed.

I keep setting the bar at different heights--I'll believe it if this scan is good, I'll believe it when I start to show, I'll believe it after the level-two ultrasound, I'll believe it when she starts to kick--careening drunkenly from elation to depression, an emotional pinball.

Jeff still talks fearlessly of "when" and wants to make plans already, buy things, build things. Talking with him as we lay in the dark and imagine together what will be (for me: what might be, what could be) fills my head with a bittersweet lust.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I know how lucky I am to have gotten here. I am truly thankful. But I'm also afraid.


Anonymous Z said...

i would say relax but if i was in your place i'd want to slap me too so i won't. it is totally normal for you to worry so much.

you are in my thoughts...happy thoughts...for a wonderful scan!

7:26 PM  
Blogger Dramalish said...

So so there. I'm only a skip ahead of you right now, so your feelings are very familiar.
Security comes just a little at a time, and often it's two steps forward, one step back. You'll feel a little better after you see a heartbeat... then you'll worry. Then you'll feel even better after the second u/s... then you'll worry again.
I understand the anxiety. Right there with you.

8:00 PM  
Blogger Cricket said...

On your behalf, I cannot wait until Wednesday.

You know how it is when you worry, worry, worry? Then you finally hear all is fine and calmly respond, "Why, of course, it's fine!" with all the worrying evaporating and becoming a distant memory.

Yeah, I wish you that.

8:13 PM  
Blogger Anna H. said...

Keeping you company in limbo-land, dear Bugs.


8:35 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Of course you're scared, how could you not be scared. But I for one am an entomophillic and want very much for this baby to come an dbe yours. So I'm thinking exquisitely good thoughts and mentally giving you Portie hugs, for we are good at those.

3:29 AM  
Blogger Galloping Cats said...

This is such an unbelievably frightening time. I remember the gut wrenching fear and panic quite well. For me, at least, there was nothing for it but to just gut it out and wait for the time to pass. Things got better a bit better at 12 weeks when my home doppler kit arrived (though at 27 weeks I still am not completely "relaxed" about it), but from 7-12 weeks I was at the doctor's every single Friday for a scan, just for peace of mind. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need in that regard.

3:45 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

I don't know what to say other than you are in my prayers! {{{HUGS}}}

5:52 AM  
Blogger Mudbug said...

Deep breaths today and waiting for news of that lovely sac I'm sure you'll be seeing. Hugs,

7:02 AM  
Anonymous Leggy said...

I can so relate to those fears. I'm not haven't even done the IVF yet and I've got all these fears swimming around in my head about all the hurdles I have to get through before I have a healthy baby in my arms.

Hoping that Wednesday shows a perfect ultrasound and begins to calm some of your (totally normal, totally understandable) fears.

7:06 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Oh, sweetie--right there with you. And even though we are so lucky to have these sweet, optimistic men, it makes the thought of disappointing them a million times worse, doesn't it?

Sending every possible good thought your way today and tomorrow.

7:10 AM  
Anonymous Day said...

It's so very hard, but it does get easier. Demand ultrasounds when you need to and hang in there.
Dramalish said it best.

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Molly said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow . . .

8:13 AM  
Anonymous deborah said...

I feel your fear, my friend. In return, I hope you can feel my support.

9:01 AM  
Blogger PJ said...

Hang in there. I wish I could say it gets better, but then I'd be lying. Just know that you have a wonderful community of people here to listen to your every worry and nod their head because they've been there.

9:55 AM  
Blogger Lala said...

Hell yeah!! on the fear, and wait for the crying, it's inexpicable to the u/s tech that you would CRY when you SEE a heatbeat! I know I sure did. Holding your hand while waiting for Wednesday.

10:28 AM  
Anonymous Mandy said...

Yes, having something to lose is terrifying. I remember those feelings so well - even now. Waiting with you. Dramalish said it very well.

10:43 AM  
Blogger Zarqa said...

Beautiful words for certainly a rough time. I think you do get used the positivity of the positive slowly over time. I think that's why they make it last nine months, to give you time to get used to it.:)
Good luck with the scan.

12:06 PM  
Anonymous anne said...

I know exactly how you feel. I hope all goes great with your scan!

3:06 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Of course you are wasn't until I started feeling regular movement that I started to relax. Notice I said started to...I don't think I will fully relax until I hold this babe in my arms and I am sure you feel the same way.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


5:45 PM  
Blogger LizziePea said...

I just blogged bout this - it totally and completely sucks that infertility treatments and the back lash from the losses and pain steal alll the joy from those first few majical moments of pregnancy...ahhh IVF the gift that keeps on giving...


7:08 AM  
Blogger Cass said...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you this morning, sweetie. I hope things are smooth sailing today, and I'm sending my strongest good-ultrasound vibes your way.

9:10 AM  
Blogger Mudbug said...


3:05 PM  

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