Monday, July 25, 2005

This time

Nights are harder, take more work. I wake up with a fist of dread just under my ribs and know that this is another failure. The feeling is certain, as though I've already been told. I try to envision a different outcome, one with cells still dividing, firmly attached, but I can't hold onto it for more than a moment before the certainty returns. I wake Jeff up, willing him to coax me into hopefulness, or I read a few pages of whatever's by the bed. Sometimes I fall asleep and do not dream, but more often my mind keeps circling and spiraling.

I am not pregnant.

I will never be pregnant again.

I am sure.

There is nothing I can do.

I can find distraction in the days: I talk, I listen, I work, I read, I smile, I cook, I clean. There's always a nagging in my head, a reminder that sorrow is to come, but I can drown it out with noise.

I vowed that I would not expect or look for symptoms, but I lied. I hoped so much to feel a difference, any difference, but I am just me, singular me. I do not feel an "us." There is nothing to distinguish between every other day and today: my insensitive breasts and iron stomach and silent uterus, my menstrual bloating and monthly acne. Just the repetitive symptoms of failure.

But why, when I have this penetrating certainty, do I also dream in a hopeless way, like rereading Romeo and Juliet and unconsciously imagining that this time she might wake up before it's too late? And why, though I've already begun to mourn the failure, will it be no less devastating when I get the call?

If I were reading this, I would say, Nonsense, you can't know, you just can't know yet. Somehow, though, I can write it and it feels like simple fact.


Anonymous Menita said...

Oh Bugs, this is the hardest part, the waiting, the not daring to hope, the expectation of pain. I am so sorry, but I will continue to hope and wait until beta day. Hang in there, I feel for you.

6:14 PM  
Blogger K said...

Wow, I felt like this just a short while ago, I hope that doesn't upset you, cause I'm hoping you receive a better outcome. My thoughts will be with you, it's hard to have only that tiny thread of hope left, and it certainly doesn't make hearing bad news any better. Here's hoping you're pleasantly surprised.

6:32 PM  
Blogger Mudbug said...

Of course it feels like fact. It's hard to allow yourself to hope again after being so let down time after time. So I will hope for you, sweetie, and you just do the best you can to get through the next day and a half. Hugs,

7:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget that the PIO gives you all your usual premenstrual symptoms. Lots of people have nary a pregnancy symptom to be found, yet have a positive beta. So here's hoping that you'll get a great result.

9:44 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Damn. The waiting is hell.

10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sorry it's so hard, Bugs. We're hoping for you, even if you can't.

11:22 PM  
Anonymous Wavery said...

Damn woman.
I believe you, but only because I have never had it last for longer than a couple weeks.
I hope you're wrong.
I feel like I can't offer you anything more than an emergency distraction 'learn to knit stuff that you will never be able to buy' lesson. If that'll help, even for an hour, I'm there.

12:26 AM  
Blogger Millie said...

Here's to getting through the waiting and onto the other side. I'm sorry it's so hard. You go through so much and then are stuck for an eternity which everyone else seems to think is only a couple of weeks.

Another reader who's hoping for you.

12:44 AM  
Anonymous thalia said...

It's just horrible, this phase, so there is nothing we say that can make it better, I know. Just know that we're watching and waiting and hoping with you.

I can't re-read terribly sad (or even just sad) books or plays any more, because I spend all the time in my head going: No! No! Don't walk across that field, stay on the path! (Jude the Obscure); Wait a bit longer! (Romeo and Juliet); Don't kiss that boy! (Forever); etc etc. I'm a wuss, but I figure I don't need more upsetness in my life.

1:53 AM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Seems like all I can do is give you a hug *insert hug*, and have some hope. Which I do, still. Loads of it. You deserve to be proven wrong.

3:19 AM  
Blogger Sheryl said...

Ahhh waiting sucks Bugs. I hope that what you are feeling is just from the meds and you'll get a surprise with that phone call!

5:40 AM  
Blogger Emma Jane said...

Oh Bug! It's so, so difficult as that test is coming up. Please let us hope for you, if it's too hard to do anything but try to gird yourself defensively now.

6:23 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

My poor Bugs! I'm so sorry that you are so down and I hope you are wrong. You are in my prayers my friend.

6:26 AM  
Blogger Suz said...

The waiting is so hard because you can't tell what's going on and the fear of failure is ever-present. You are never far from my thoughts; I am thinking and hoping for you.

6:45 AM  
Blogger LizziePea said...

The truth is that the waiting makes your mind reach into the dark places of hopelessness and dispair so that if you get the negative result, you can feel almost vindicated with the *knowing* it was gonna turn out that way anyway. You could very well end with a most pleasant surprise...I am hoping that will be the case and then you can enjoy the moment with glee- saying that you were wrong...

7:15 AM  
Anonymous Jen said...

Much love and hope to you, sweetie.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Claudia said...

Don't worry about hoping - we'll all be hopeful for you. You just do whatever you need to do to get through these next few days. That's all you can do, right?

Fingers crossed over here for a positive beta.

7:37 AM  
Blogger wessel said...

Pregnancy symptoms prior to the beta just don't happen. Those who think they feel them are really feeling the effects of the progesterone. Pardon me for being obnoxiously authoritative, but I've had lots 'o pregnancies so I think I should know. Yes, I know that every woman is different, but . . . still. Anyway, this part is hell and all you can do is wait it out. I hope your despair-inspired intuition is wrong, wrong, wrong!

8:07 AM  
Blogger Cass said...

Oh, sweetie. What everyone else said and then some. I know this feels like the end, but I'm going to join the others in holding onto hope for you right now. This is the hardest time of all. Know that we're here, sending love and good wishes and hope and we'll be here tomorrow no matter the outcome.

9:03 AM  
Blogger steph said...

Bugs, I'm sorry it sucks. We are conditioned to expect a failure. It is what happened before, and before, and before that even.
The expectation doesn't make it true, though. I hope you get through to your beta as painlessly as possible.
I am hopeful for you that it is good news.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Anna H. said...

This waiting is simply awful.

Thinking of you all the time, dear Bugs.


11:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for this horrible wait. I'm here, waiting with you and holding your hand.


11:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, this part really sucks. We will have been in this bad place for two years next month. I always dream that I am pregnant several nights in a row beofre I get the negative beta. A couple of cycles ago I kept dreaming hat people thought I was pregnant, were telling me I was pregnant and I kept having to insist to them that I was not pregnant. It turned out that that cycle I did get pregnant, but miscarried really early. I know how you feel right now about hoping -it is truly awful to go through this month after month with bad results. I hope you get your heart's desire this month.

11:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thinking of you and sending you both all the spare strength and love we can find around here (I will check the couch for any that might have fallen between the cushions and mail it to you!!)


- bhm

11:57 AM  
Anonymous B. Mare said...

Thinking of you, Bugsie.

12:44 PM  
Blogger chris said...

I really feel for you.

Take care of yourself.

1:07 PM  
Anonymous Day said...

I'm with Wessel again Bugs...I too have been prego on numerous occasions including 2 IVFs and never felt any different prior to the BFP. As a matter of fact, each positive beta was preceded by a very convincing sense that the cycle had failed.
I'm hoping that's what this is all about for you.
My thoughts are with you.

1:52 PM  
Blogger TigerJen said...

Don't give up! I seem to remember that I too typed a panic post filled with negativity two days before my beta.

Good luck! I'm crossing everything for you.

2:28 PM  
Blogger Internal Spring said...

I wish there were drugs for the two week wait. Thinking of you and wishing you some peace during this frustrating time.

2:57 PM  
Blogger persephone said...

wish you fierce amounts of luck later today, bugs. i'll be thinking of you.

10:43 PM  
Anonymous T said...

This is the absolute hardest part - I'm hoping you're pleasantly surprised too. Good luck!

4:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Bugs. That was such a beautiful, sad post.

I know how you feel, right now--I hated this part, so so much, maybe even worse than the negatives I got.

As you know, my story is going to have a happy ending--and I didn't get pregnant. Even if Juliet doesn't wake up this time, if you want her to, there can be a happy ending.

Just let me know what you need, if you need anything.

Karen, Naked ovary

9:03 AM  
Anonymous reprogirl said...

I have felt exactly this, 100% sure I'm not pregnant and never will be, and then turned out to be pregnant (I'm afraid it didn't last, but nevertheless, I was pregnant). I think Wessel is right, 2ww "symptoms" are just people's imaginations and babydust myths. I'm not sure if this is any comfort at all. There really isn't much that works as an antidote to the mindswirl of the two week wait. Maybe a whole lot of bad TV???

11:59 AM  

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