Sunday, June 12, 2005

Self-sabotage

Do you think that, if I don't try very hard this IVF cycle, I won't be as disappointed when it fails?

Because I'm really not trying. I can't even be bothered to make my next appointment, much less check the med schedule or return the pharmacy's call. It's not that I don't care about the result--I'm pretty damned sure I do--it's just that I seem to be in an apathetic, amnesiac fog where the details are concerned.

Oh, I was supposed to stop birth control pills yesterday? Oops. Forgot.

Wasn't there something about the new pharmacy needing my insurance information before they send me those eight different things? Oh, nevermind. They'll call back eventually.

And what
were those eight different things? Hmmmm. Search me. Guess I'll find out when the package arrives.

Oh, Dr. FYC called again? Bother. Guess I'll have to go in. One of these days. I'll get around to it someday. Whenever.


How could I suddenly be so blase about this potentially life-changing process? Is it a result of displacing my worry from my old eggs to my new job? Or just a self-preservation instinct? Or, maybe, some peculiar manifestation of subconscious self-sabotage?

12 Comments:

Anonymous amanda said...

I just think it gets more boring each time you do it. When you go through your first IVF, everything is so exciting and new. Each subsequent cycle is so "been there, done that." Good luck.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Sandy said...

You've had a lot on your plate of late. I know that for myself .. even though we're not doing IVF ... I have had months where I would abstain right around ovulation. Whacked. I think it's my mind's way of protecting me from disappointment. Anyhow...glad to see a post from you.

6:07 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

I think you are just protecting yourself (and understandably so). {{{{HUGS}}}}}}

7:55 AM  
Blogger K|nneret said...

Sounds like self-defense to me. Good luck with your cycle :)

8:20 AM  
Blogger Suz said...

I did the same thing going into the 2nd cycle (am still doing it) and think that the others are right. It's a mixture between boredom and self-protection.

9:12 AM  
Blogger wessel said...

I did that too. A body and soul can only take so much, and you have a lot going on.

10:54 AM  
Blogger JennaM said...

Sabotage is just about the only control option we have. That's real power--unlike the pretend power of Robitussin or temping. I totally relate. It's important to know you can still make some choices, even self-destructive ones...

7:11 AM  
Anonymous Orodemniades said...

I do the same thing with food, although I only just figured it out a couple of days ago.

When you have no control, you try and find it any way you can...thus, I eat chocolate/candy, because I'm not supposed to. I haven't been working out, because I should.

I spent years doing everything right, and it got me nowhere, so maybe if I do everything wrong, I'll get me some IVF.

I'm not saying it's right, but that's just what it is.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Anna H. said...

My vote is for self-preservation too.

But whatever it is, I'm here.

xxoo

5:32 PM  
Blogger ankaisa said...

It happens. You are still in the early stages of this IVF round. But I do not know if it has hurt me any less in the end, just seems to be getting worse each time!

12:36 AM  
Anonymous Menita said...

Self preservation.
THe last round of IVF I gave myself the wrong dose of lupron for four days before noticing it. ANd when I did I just didn't care.
Yep, self-preservation.

10:47 AM  
Blogger Internal Spring said...

Oh been there done that. It does sound defensive, but perhaps you need some more time off? Just a thought.

11:42 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home