Tuesday, May 24, 2005

That rarest of species

Before my interview a couple of Fridays ago, I was on a do-or-die mission to hunt down, in the dense and foreboding retail woods of San Leandro, an elusive creature: brown slacks.

I hear you silently scratching your heads, faces quizzical, wondering why I would be hunting for brown slacks, and even if I do have such pedestrian taste as to covet brown slacks, why on earth they should be elusive.

First, if you come from the Land of Slender Hips (LOSH--like "lost", but drunk), they are as common as crows, and I understand and envy your puzzlement. You may stop reading now and congratulate yourself on your good fortune, diet and exercise regime. Second, I should let you know that I was actually searching for a very rare species of the brown slack genus: the chocolate-fitted-low-on-waist-with-generous-rump-straight-legged-summer-weight brown slacks. Finally, I must tell you that the only interview-appropriate shoes I could find in my it's-either-vagrant-or-cocktail-party wardrobe were a tawny beige slingback, thus necessitating a pant of the family brown.

After patiently tracking my prey for several hours in the deepest reaches of the treacherous jungle, I caught a glimpse of a perfect CFLOWWGRSLSWBS specimen--magnificent! Exhilarating!--and raced to secure it in my Choice Apparel Repository & Transport device (or CART, as it's more commonly known), then sprinted purposefully toward the approved Review Of Okayness Module, where I discovered that the specimen was a genetic sport of the rarest kind: a true example of PWMMBLS (pants-which-make-my-butt-look-smaller). This almost-unheard-of variation--though slightly more common than the albino PWMMBLS, which has only been verifiably spotted once, and that back in 1983--was a great joy to behold.

I wore the CFLOWWGRSLSWBS-PWMMBLS to my job interview, and I got the job.

I wore the CFLOWWGRSLSWBS-PWMMBLS to my second day on the job, and I was complimented on my exceptional first-day's work.

I wore the CFLOWWGRSLSWBS-PWMMBLS to my pharmacy, and both the elderly security guard and the be-smocked teenaged CART-wrangler smiled at me.

I wore the CFLOWWGRSLSWBS-PWMMBLS to my R.E. consult, and he called me "young." (Were ever more seductive words spoken by an R.E. to a thirty-five-year-old Poor Responder? I think not.)

Finally, I stepped on the R.E.'s scale in the CFLOWWGRSLSWBS-PWMMBLS and was, quite miraculously, told I had lost ten pounds. (Were ever more seductive words spoken by a computer-voiced digital scale? I think not.)

May the CFLOWWGRSLSWABS-PWMMBLS last for all eternity. I would return even my hard-won, ART-regulation pajamas to the inaccessible wilds for a second specimen.


Anonymous T said...

10 pounds!? I think I need a pair of these - are we going to get a picture?

4:37 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

Ever read the book The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants? Perhaps these are the luckiest of pants ~ bound to change fortunes and meant to travel throughout the infertile blog queendom ... just a thought.

4:50 AM  
Blogger VHMPrincess said...

go back to the store and buy every pair. :-)

5:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm looking for the same thing, only in white. Everything is cropped, which means they come to the tops of my ankles. Or the front is pleated, which calls attention to my tummy. If I am as lucky as you, I may buy every color they have. Jill

6:13 AM  
Blogger LizziePea said...

These pants sound majical - where can one purchase these mythical creatures? I need them before I go to Vegas with some of said LOSH dwellers...mmmm 10lbs, a snazzy looking beehind, and those words every thirty something woman wants to hear - you look so young...sounds too good to be true...Love the theory of the travelling pants...wanna share?

6:21 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

I need to get me some of those!

6:47 AM  
Blogger Kristin said...

I definitely need a pair of those pants. Congrats on the job and I'm thrilled your Nam is doing better. Best of luck with your RE.

7:47 AM  
Blogger Mudbug said...

Hooty hoo on the pants hunting!

9:19 AM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

I say - run back to that store and buy every colour available. Trews like that are as rare as unicorns.

Ten pounds and the RE called you young - man oh man!!

10:24 AM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Hand. Over. The. Pants. Or at least tell me where I can get them. Please please please.

1:42 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...


Please tell me you bought two more pairs in different colours!

10:08 AM  
Blogger DeadBug said...

Alas and alack, these were a one-off--just the one pair in the one color in the one size. Otherwise, I would buy them in every conceivable hue. I guess that that's the (reduced) price I have to pay for shopping at The Rack!

1:13 PM  
Blogger TigerJen said...

Congratulations on your fortunate find!

2:58 PM  

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