Friday, May 20, 2005


I had three hopes this week, each with its own degree of improbability. There's something almost comforting about improbable hopes: it's hard to be too upset when they do not come to fruition--"dashed" seems a little strong, if you know what I mean. And when you're juggling three of them, well, you just think to yourself, "I'll be lucky to get one. One would be nice."

Well, I got my one. The biggest one.

My Nam made it. Perhaps her seventy-four pounds are composed of rubber; she was pulled and twanged ferociously, her heartbeat soaring and plummeting, her respiration at sixty and then at eight, but she didn't snap. She was awake, if not alert, when we arrived, bleary-eyed, on Monday morning. I held her bony, bruised hand and she smiled at me. By Wednesday, she could even eat a little something. I left her yesterday afternoon, sitting up in her regular hospital bed--having been moved out of ICU--and telling me, in her delicate voice, how excited she was about...

Wish number two.

My new job. Got the call yesterday morning. I had nearly written it off, after five days of waiting, but it's mine. I caved at the last minute and reduced my intended bid by ten bucks an hour, which was either foolish (they would have paid more) or fortunate (there were four of us in contention; I did not want to lose out merely on price). The money's still acceptable. I start Monday. We renegotiate in six months.

As for wish number three, well, that was a crackpipe dream and I knew it. This odd, hormonally-fucked-up cycle--nine days of bleeding to start, late ovulation--was probably the last one I should have had hope for. But, in my most optimistic moments, I really did. The PMS--the bloating, breast tenderness and Vesuvial zit--which always made an appearance for two days about a week before the inevitable, never materialized. And I started to imagine that I would be one of those infuriatingly lucky "I went through a failed IVF cycle and then, when I relaxed the next month, I got pregnant! With boy/girl twins!" women. Well, no. Instead, my period showed up, four days early and in a gush of watery brown, while I was haggling with the Honda mechanic and wearing white. Fortunately, the white was my underwear, which were well masked by a dark denim skirt. The dealerships, they provide free doughnuts, free coffee, free internet access--but they do not provide free tampons. I had to get change for my twenty from Parts.

Bring on the BCP's, then bring on the injectibles, then bring on July. At least I'll have my new job to distract me, and my Nam to ask me all about it.

Thank you to all who wrote and kept us in your thoughts these last few days. I read some of your comments at a busy L.A. internet cafe and got so teary that the kindhearted busboy asked me, in his very halting English, if I needed some water. Having friends in the computer is a beautiful, beautiful gift.


Blogger Taylor said...

So happy to hear about your grandmother. I have been praying for her.

Congratulations on the new job. You totally deserve it!

7:25 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Oh Bugs! I am SO SO happy to hear that! Big sigh of relief here. And to get TWO big wishes in one week. For someone so beaten down as an infertile, that is almost too much to wish for. And I can't wait to hear all about the new job. But of course if you think this means you can blog less, well, you have another thing coming, sister...

7:31 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

Bugs, I'm so relieved about your grandmother. I was thinking of you.

And the job!!! Wonderful news!

I'm sorry about the cycle though. Two wishes out of three.


7:38 PM  
Blogger Millie said...

I'm so very happy to hear thet good news about your grandmother. And a new job too! That's fantastic. Hope you can celebrate some this weekend.

8:31 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

Congratulations on getting the job! And I'm so relieved about your grandmother; as far as the cycle goes, it will be good to have you for company.

8:55 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Isn't it though???

I am so happy Bugs sweetie, abt your Nam and abt your job! She made it! You'll be writing! What a wonderful way to start my horribly early day. Hope you rest now, hope your dreamns become a bit sweeter.

In Portuguese we say "No two times without a third". Come on Porties, prove your wisdom! I0m cheering the old adage on.

11:33 PM  
Anonymous oliviadrab said...

Bugs, this is the best post. I am so glad to her she pulled through. What an incredible woman! Moxie runs in the family.

Serious congratulations on the new job. That is one of the top ten best feelings, especially when you know you were chosen among multiple contenders.

If there's anyone who DOESN'T think menstrual periods have their own consciousness and that consciousness is a cruel-hearted practical joker, then they are seriously naive. Ugh. Vive la July.

4:09 AM  
Blogger chris said...

Yay! I'm so glad to hear your grandma is doing better. Good for you.

Congrats on the job.

Now, on to July.

Take care.

4:48 AM  
Blogger JJ said...

What happy news. (Well 2/3 of it anyway.)

I'm so glad about your Nam and your reentry into the world of the gainfully employed.

5:59 AM  
Blogger Internal Spring said...

I hope all of your hopes keep coming true!

6:33 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

So happy your Nam made it and congrats on the job!

7:02 AM  
Blogger steph said...

It's absolutely wonderful to hear that your grandmother is on the mend. I am happy to hear it.
On the job- congratulations! Fantastic!
The cycle news bites, but July? Me, too.

7:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


So happy to hear about your grandmother and congrats on the job. Well, maybe relaxing won't get you pregnant but I sure you are 'third time is the charm IVF gets pregnant with boy/girl twins' kind of woman. I'll be sitting here in the wings rooting for you.


8:37 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

I'm so happy you got good news on two fronts. Your grandmother sounds like an incredible woman. We know now who you take after!

10:13 AM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

Oh Bugs, I'm pleased to hear you have some positive things going on in your life at the moment. I'm glad your grandmother pulled through, and the news of the job is fantastic.

Best wishes that things only get better for you.

2:15 PM  
Blogger cda2 said...

So glad for you! I missed your posts and have had my fingers crossed!

2:28 PM  
Blogger penelope said...

YAY! wonderful news. The job sounds great and I'm so relieved about your grandmother.

You could have just asked the mechanics for a couple of those oddly pink rags they seem so fond of... works for oilstains. :)

3:24 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

Oh Bugs, I'm so so sorry about the AF arriving. But I'm thrilled that your Nam made it. I got one of those "no heroic measures" calls a few years ago and unfortunately the outcome was a very swift but peaceful passing. And the job sounds pretty cool.

Maybe you'll enact one of those crazy murphy's laws of IF... start a cool new job and get knocked up. A girl can wish, right? :-)


6:26 PM  
Blogger Bente said...

Good news about your grandmother, and congratualtions on the new job!

9:42 PM  
Blogger persephone said...

What a fighter she sounds. I am sure she passed some of that down to you.

Thank Gd. And congratulations on the new job!!! I'm so sorry in this case that good things didn't come in threes.

I don't believe much in this relaxing nonsense, but I do think it would be even harder to get through a cycle with your heart and mind pulled in so many directions. I'm so glad at least you can be at ease about everything else.

9:45 PM  
Blogger Ova Girl said...

Very pleased to read about your Grandmother pulling through - what an amazing woman she must be. Your presence would have been part of what pulled her through. And the job news is truly wondrful.

congratulations on two big wishes coming true.

12:47 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

That's just wonderful about your Grandmother! Congrats on the new job. I'm sure wish #3 will be along shortly :)

4:49 AM  
Blogger ms pickled eggs said...

Glad to hear your Grandma is doing better and congrats on the job. And good luck with wish three...

5:57 AM  
Blogger Lala said...

Well done Bugs! Congrats on the job!

12:21 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Bugs, congrats on the job. And I am so so happyt to hear your grandmother is okay.

4:15 PM  
Anonymous deborah said...

Two outta three ain't too shabby. Yay for grandma! And congrats on the new job.

4:28 PM  
Blogger kristenL said...

I am vry happy to hear about the job abd vry vry happy to hear that your grandmother pulled through. And you know good things do come in threes and July is only 2 short months away.
Go Bugs!

5:36 PM  
Blogger wessel said...

So relieved and happy to hear about your Nam, and your job too. So look, it sounds like you are on a roll! I'm thinking it's only a matter of time now before you win the Big #3. :-)

7:48 AM  
Anonymous T said...

I'm so glad that your grandmother is okay - congratulations on the new job!

10:45 AM  
Blogger Anna H. said...

Now *that* is some good, good news. So glad to hear about your Nam and congratulations on the job!

All of your friends in the computer love you very much.


12:02 PM  
Anonymous Day said...

I'm still thinking you'll pull off that trifecta but perhaps it will be delayed until sometime in, say, July? I'm so happy to hear the good news about Nam and the job ~ what a relief! Heartfelt congrats to you - life is good for us all when good things happen to beautiful people!

6:42 PM  

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