Friday, April 15, 2005

You're good.

Really good.

'Cause if those were lies, they were damned convincing.

I am feeling a little more stable today, less freaked out, though I wouldn't quite call myself happy or optimistic yet. Yesterday was a good day--helped along by aching breasts, which promptly vanished (the aching, not the breasts) overnight, just as usually happens a few days before my period is due to start. But I'm trying. And all of your comments about feeling absolutely nothing, or your friends feeling absolutely nothing, are so encouraging.

At this point, there's nothing I can do but wait and hope. And if I have to wait, I might as well hope.

Speaking of the waiting part: my doctor is a little bit nuts. I am to have my first beta on the 18th--fair enough, eleven days post transfer, about when I expected--but I will not be told the results. After the second beta, on the 20th, I'll get the call.

He says that this is to avoid ambiguity, and also to rule out lab error. The nurse gave an example of one woman whose first beta was negative but whose second was sky-high. Pregnant with twins. He didn't mention the obvious reason for doing this, though, and I didn't say anything. Though it feels paternalistic and even insulting not to be told up-front, I'm willing to suspend my irritation and embrace the fact that this game may give me two more days of hope. Vain hope, perhaps, but hope nonetheless.

Even two extra days of unnecessary PIO shots are probably worth that little glimmer of possibility, the one that clings so stubbornly to the edges of my pessimism, right till the very moment of definitive, disappointing truth.


Anonymous Jenn said...

I think it's ridiculous that you wouldn't be told your own lab results. They can't do that. If you really want to know, you have the right to your medical information. Thinking positive thoughts for you.

3:08 PM  
Anonymous InSpring said...

Paternalistic indeed! Perhaps better not to know? I don't know. It's tough not knowing. . .

I think the worst thing about the waiting period is how you can't get drunk which would obviously ease the obsessive thinking or do crack which would make you forget everything all together (joking!!!)

Wishing you peace.


3:14 PM  
Blogger Zarqa said...

Yes, this "for your own good" thinking is a bit unsettling. It's weird though, sometimes I wish medical people would tell me only good news and keep the bad to themselves. But mostly, I'm a glutton for any and all information. They'd have a hard time keeping me from harassing them until they spilled it.

5:51 PM  
Blogger Bente said...

I'm sending all the postitve thoughts I can muster your way.

10:00 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

To hell with that B.S.!! Just pee on a stick already!! Bugs, you are killing me here!!

3:28 AM  
Blogger Galloping Cats said...

Does this mean you are not going to pee on a stick?! I am impressed with your will power!

4:14 AM  
Blogger ankaisa said...

Yes, sometimes it is nice to cling on to that hope a day or two longer. Of course I'm hoping it is NOT in vain, but that's about all I can do: hope!

6:28 AM  
Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

I can KINDA understand the doc's policy of not revealing the first beta number. It's not super uncommon for that early one to be negative. Then you'd have to suffer that horrible go-home-and-stick-forks-in-my-eyes feeling of despair (And none of us have ever had THAT feeling before!).

I don't know whether I'd wee on a stick either. All that white space sucks. And it might be wrong...

Fuck, I don't know what to tell ya! I AM thinking of you and sending patient vibes.


8:39 AM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

The 20th...not too far away, right? Right?? I wish you as much anxiety-free time as possible between now and then. Everything is crossed and I'm sending positive vibes your way.

8:59 AM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Why have you not taken a pee test yet? PLEASE do it. For meeee! And, by the way, your medical records are technically your property, so I think by law they *have* to tell you what is in them. You know, if you want to make a big stink and all. Of course you don't have to if you don't want to. But I'm just sayin'

1:16 PM  
Blogger K|nneret said...

I'm waiting with you. And btw, legally they *cannot* withhold your results from you, so if you insist ... well, that's up to you.

Are you gonna POAS?

Waiting patiently,

3:58 PM  
Anonymous Julianna said...

They must tell you your lab results, they're yours!

Thinking so much about you and hope you are well.

I don't blame you for not POAS, I get too mind fucked by them. Faint line, no line, drive myself crazy until the beta anyway.

Take care.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Anotherjen said...

i'm kind of wishing that i didn't hear about my first beta until i could qualify it with the second.

I think it would have let me actually be happy when the nurse said "your pregnant" instead of bursing into tears- sure another miscarriage was on the way.

all my fingers and toes are crossed for you

6:52 PM  
Blogger Cricket said...

The really dumb part of the lab result error argument is that the mentioned woman might have had a decent number the first time and nothing the second, with the second being incorrect. And why compound a story like that with a pie in the sky twins outcome? They're a bit confused, I think.

7:47 PM  
Blogger Sandy said...

Just wanting you to know that I'm thinking about you during this waiting time ... sitting beside you in the waiting room actually.

5:17 AM  
Blogger persephone said...

Very annoyed at your doctor, but I admire you for focusing your energy on hope rather than anger.

I hope the definitive truth is everything you wish for.

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, that kind of sucks. (The extra two day wait.) I really don't think I could keep myself away from the stick, but if you can, I have yet another reason to be amazed by you. I'll be thinking about you!! Heidi (lost and finding)

4:23 PM  

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