Saturday, April 02, 2005

Over- All

You are like a calm tide in my roiling sea. Thank you for keeping me afloat. I never knew how much I would come to rely upon the kindness of strangers, of strangers who feel like friends.

I was not myself yesterday. Or I was a part of myself that I don't want to believe in.

I was overemotional. I was hopeless. I was so full of self-pity, and helplessness, and shame. Shame for my lack of fortitude, shame for my body's failure, shame for being so wrapped up in this that I could not think of anyone else, even Jeff.

I went in overconfident, believing I would be a follicular overachiever, with my shiny E2 numbers. I did not know that I was an under-responder. I did not know that my doctor, who has been kind and responsive and gentle, had just had his life ruined.*

I came out overwhelmed, overwrought, overly dramatic. I overreacted.

I am sorry. So many of you have borne up under worse news, and I must seem like a dilettante by comparison.

Over all, the news could be worse. I have six eggs. Better than none. I assumed that this poor response meant that the eggs would be bad. Eventually, I stopped shaking and crying, and I started Googling. And it seems that they may be OK. Who knows.

Nothing is lost yet, except what was left of my confidence. Perhaps I don't need it. But you? You, I need.

*He was previously cleared of any wrongdoing in the matter--twice--but the case got a lot of press recently, and, predictably, became politicized, and now his patients will lose, as well as him and his wife and two young children. Some patients and former patients are planning a march in his support; he is much loved, and will be missed.

17 Comments:

Blogger Galloping Cats said...

That's an unbelievable story. How incredibly sad for everyone involved. I sympathize with the couple whose embryo it was, I sympathize with the couple who carried and has been raising the child. I even sympathize with the doctor. And with you-- to have all this come out right in the middle of your treatment. Still crossing fingers this is it for you.

2:27 PM  
Blogger chris said...

Don't apologize for how you felt. This is a rollercoaster, and sometimes it sucks. You have every right to feel how you feel. Oprah said so. haha. Take care.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Sandy said...

Oh Bugs...I'm so sorry this is all happening. Thinking of you.

3:17 PM  
Blogger Emma Jane said...

Bugs,

I just got here today, and---oh my goodness, but you were so not overemotional yesterday! You're hyped up on hormones and on the fringes of a hurricane that has absolutely nothing to do with you (but, as GC pointed out, oh how utterly awful for everyone involved!), and someone's gonna come after your ovaries with a big needle pretty soon. (I hope: does the practice know how it's going to cope in the short term?) It's so, so, so okay to be upset.

And, everyone else already said this, but six is not a bad number. All 3 of my cycles I got sucky response for my age and presumed normal fertility status, and the one with the fewest eggs, fewest mature eggs, and lowest estrogen peak, ..., well. Six is not a bad number. And what they see on the ultrasound doesn't determine what happens at retrieval or afterwards.

Hugs, Bugs, and I'll be thinking of you.

3:34 PM  
Anonymous Soper said...

Hey Bugs, we've all been there. You had every right to be upset yesterday, every right to feel sorry for yourself. What is important is that, today, you have moved on, and are able to feel compassion for someone who made a series of terrible, tragic decisions.

Those poor families. Sigh.

4:06 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Oh my GOD!! That is crazy! I am so, so sorry. What a nutty situation to be in, for him and for you. I feel really bad for the guy.

Six follicles is fine! Just keep us posted on what happens.

4:30 PM  
Anonymous Leggy said...

Bugs,
Don't apologize. I don't think you over-reacted at all. Its hard to do all this work and then have little to show for it. But keep the faith- they might be six kick-ass little eggs you've got there.

Leggy

5:48 PM  
Anonymous oliviadrab said...

Oh my gosh, that was HIM? Oh that poor guy. I had no idea. I remember reading about that. Wow.

Bugs, you have no reason to apologize or feel remotely bad for your reaction. All of our expectations for how we know our lives should turn out gets turned on its head when "infertility" comes into our vocabulary. And when a doctor, one who we cling to as the trustworthy judge in our fates, says something to confirm our fears, we have no choice but to react with horror.

Thankfully, you have a team of Dr. Google's to give you a second opinion. We're here for ya. Every step of the way, luv.

5:52 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

I agree with the others that you have nothing to apologize for. It's easy to underestimate the emotion of the entire process and how it can make you feel almost "other" than yourself. Six is a good number; take care of yourself and keep us posted.

5:57 PM  
Blogger Lala said...

Dear dear Bugs, sorry I'm late to the scene but don't ever apologize to us, your loyal readers for how you feel. Just keep telling it like it is.

7:51 PM  
Blogger wessel said...

Well, certainly don't apologize for expressing your feelings on your blog! Nothing to be ashamed of. That is what we are here for, to offer support and encouragement.

About the doctor--boy, ok, I can see how an otherwise good person could find himself in over his head with regard to a crisis in which he simply does not know what to do. However . . . the consequences turned out to be more horrible for both sets of parents involved, and for the child.

10:10 PM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

Blogs give you carte blanche to say whatever it is you're feeling...it is the whole point behind them! My thoughts are with you, and I hope everything goes well.

3:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugs,

Don't apologize for expressing yourself on your blog. This is a stressful situation to be in and your feelings are valid. I'm sending lots of prayers for your six -- six is good, you have six to work with and I hope that is all you need. Sending lots of luck and love your way.

Emily

10:19 AM  
Blogger steph said...

I'm sorry I'm late- but I'll repeat the message you've been getting. You have nothing to apologize for. I'm thinking of you.

10:20 AM  
Blogger TigerJen said...

I'm so sorry. I so hope that one of those six will be *the* sticky embie.

I am so afraid of being a low responder when I do IVF in a couple of months, since I had a dominant follie twice on injectables.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Oh, Bugs. Please don't apologize for ANY of this. When I went through IVF last year and got "only" seven eggs at retrieval, I was devestated. I couldn't breathe, I was so sad. It IS a huge thing, and you have every right to be as sad as you need to be. My eggs were all very good and went on to become wonderful embies. (Somehow I managed to kill them once they got inside of me, but that's a whole different story). Hang in there, girl. We're all rooting for those six.

Karen/Naked ovary

1:45 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Bugs, dahling, you do whatever you want in here, we have your back.

4:14 PM  

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