Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Lie to me

I am in rather desperate need of optimism, hope and a positive attitude right now. While yesterday I was engrossed with the simple thrills of sitting upright, standing and finally taking a gentle walk through the neighborhood, today my focus has shifted to, Am I pregnant?

The resounding answer from my body is, No! Or even, Dream on, you asshole!

I am what I guess I should think of as nine days post ovulation. Six days post transfer. Something like that, anyway. The gonadotropin-induced breast ache is gone. I feel no flutterings or fullness. No indigestion, no nausea, no sensitivity to smells. None of the things I remember pregnancy feeling like. Even the daily cc of PIO isn't mimicking symptoms. Yeah, I know that it's still early, but I've got nothing. Just a melodramatic sense of doom.

I had no uterine twinges and no spotting on the days implantation was supposed to occur. The only odd thing I feel right now is my swollen and manipulated right porcupine of an ovary as it gets smashed against the rest of my innards whenever I move. And that just reminds me more forcefully of the procedure I've been through, and that I am broken.

My doctor insisted that I should do everything in my power to remain optimistic, that it would increase the chances of success. That one's body is better able to hold onto a pregnancy if it is not under a significant mental strain. I don't know how to do that, and I'm asking for your help.

Have you felt nothing, but been pregnant? If not, can you imagine it and pretend, and send me convincing comments about how you couldn't have been more surprised; had no earthly clue?

Just lie to me. Please. I need the hope more than I could have imagined--my mental is straining right now.

38 Comments:

Blogger The Lioness said...

I don't even have to lie. A friend of mine was trying to get pregnant a few years ago(not infertile). In November we met at a birthday and she was still off birth control. The next month she went for a regular check up and left the Dr.'s surgery almost 6 months pregnant. It was absolutely unbelievable, she had no idea she was pg and neither did we, who saw her. She only ballooned up the last month.

So dahling, yes it is possible, very much so. FINGERS CROSSED FOR YOU. Please God.

10:20 AM  
Blogger Wavery said...

Bug,

No lie, my first I felt nothing.
NOTHING!
Had absolutely no idea. Went in to volunteer for a medical study and got the call about a week later, was floored. Did a repeat beta, also positive. Freaked out for another week and still not a symptom. I felt nothing.
Unfortunately, it didn't end well for me but not a single symptom the entire time.

10:59 AM  
Blogger Suz said...

I don't believe in the symptoms. I've had every single one of them before and have never, ever turned up pregnant. Everyone's body is build differently and your's might be the type that doesn't show symptoms right away. There are MANY women who don't. I'm thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed.

11:02 AM  
Blogger Suz said...

built

Because I'm just obsessive like that sometimes.

11:03 AM  
Anonymous deborah said...

I don't have to lie to you, sweetie. Go back and read my March 25 post. I felt ABSOLUTELY NOTHING prior to getting my good news (and still don't, for that matter). Not a single uterine twinge or whiff of nauseau. Poked my boobs so much they looked like dimpled golf balls. And desperately wished for a big ol' bout of constipation. But I got NADA.

With both of my IVF cycles, I found that I shifted from euphoric optimism to unmitigated dread right around 8 dpo. So I'm not surprised to see you do the same.

I know you're scared and I can't kill the fear for you, much as I'd like to. But please know that Hope and I are over here playing tiddilywinks, just killing a little time in your honor. No rush, but feel free to join us whenever you're ready.

11:04 AM  
Blogger Lala said...

Last time I was pregnant the ONLY syptom had was that nothing tasted good. the only thing that tasted good was cucmber. The time before that i had inplantation spotting and all sorts of other thigs. There were 12 years between pregnancies but still.....there was cucumber.

11:06 AM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

I've never been pregnant, so I can't really comment on that...as the others say, tons of people never "feel" pregnant for ages.

Anyway...as usual I'm thinking of you and wishing for the very best. I hope this happens for you.

11:07 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

Oh God yes. In all the years and cycles of trying I've had so many cycles where I thought for sure I was pregnant and then got the BFN. I thought for sure that when I did become pregnant that I'd know. I expected my symptoms would be 10 times more pronounced than the symptom-ful BFN cycles. I expected to be praying to the porcelain god. I expected to KNOW. The only hints that I was pregnant the first time was the absence of spotting. I wasn't really keeping track of my cycle because I'd given up (for the umpteenth thousandth time). One day I thought Huh, shouldn't I be spotting about now?. BFP. For the next 6 weeks, until the u/s showed the bad news, I still didn't have any symptoms except for achy boobs and headaches and I get headaches anyway. Same no-spotting-as-only symptom for doomed pg#2. For doomed pg#3 I did spot a little but tested as a what-the-heck it's Christmas Eve and what a present it'd be. It was BFP and I was totally not expecting it. I was out of town when I ovulated so the guys must have hung around for Ms. Eggy to show up.

Right now, 3 days past my transfer, I have Hope telling me you're PG and Despair telling me you just blew 22K.

My fingers are crossed for both of us and I hope we're both puking soon.

11:14 AM  
Anonymous Julie said...

Two days before my last positive beta, I had to pull over to the side of the road, hyperventilate and then cry, I was so sure the cycle had failed. And I knew -- or thought I knew, after two previous pregnancies -- how it should feel, too.

Anything can happen, nice lady. No lie, no lie.

11:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm thinking of you sweetie. I did have symptoms (heartburn and very warm and since I'm always cold, that was definitely something), but then again, I don't have any children, so that means nothing, absolutely nothing. I wouldn't be concerned about the absence of symptoms, I hear waaaaaay too many stories of women who have none and junior is now three, or something like that.

Kisses.
Emily

11:36 AM  
Blogger Janet said...

Just like others, I don't have to lie either. I thought I *might* have felt some twinging around 10dpo, but most likely it was just gas. I was late, and still didn't want to test because I KNEW it would be negative--and well, you know how I have ended up.

Don't sweat it my friend.
At this point, you are still in self preservation mode...even if you had magic symptoms, your mind would take over and tell your body it was delusional.

Now I must dust up on my voodoo practices to ensure that there will be a favorable outcome by this time next week.

Janet

12:02 PM  
Anonymous bj said...

I had no idea with my first. My DH forced me to test when I was 1 day late. And then, still no symptoms.

bj

12:05 PM  
Blogger Galloping Cats said...

I don't have to lie either. I felt nothing. At 6 weeks I wrote a post about how abstract it was, like what the hell even makes me think I'm pregnant. If was 9 weeks till my breasts hurt on a regular basis and today, at 10 weeks, my ONLY symptom is large, sore breasts.

Also don't add the EXTRA pressure to yourself that worrying decreases because how can you NOT worry! I can't believe there's anyone in the 2ww after infertility treatments that DOESN'T worry and obsess and we know some of them get pregnant, right?

Fingers crossed for you, waiting for news.

12:27 PM  
Anonymous Soper said...

Honest truth, every time I was pregnant the only thing that was different from PMS was the LACK of PMS. That first week it was like PMS light -- no bloating, no real cramping, nothing.

Then the second week hit, and my boobs started burning and the nausea started....

Fingers crossed for you...

12:37 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Another "never been pregnant" here so no reassurance on that score from me. However, we are all here with you and I could lie about loads of other things to keep you happy.

Keep singing the fishheads song - it always makes me laugh as it reminds me of my husbie when he was younger. You really freaked me out with that, Bugs!

1:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Bugs

You and me both. I have abosolutely no symptoms. Your post encapsulated my feelings at this point.

Hang in there, only a few more days.

corky
7dp3dt

1:16 PM  
Blogger Floyd said...

Okay, never been pregnant so in my completely irrelevant opinion, I'm thinking your uterine visitors are like lurkers. They're there - they just don't want to announce their presence yet. Eventually they will de-lurk and join in the fun.

1:26 PM  
Blogger chris said...

The only time I've ever been without symptoms was with my one successful pregnancy, so there you go. Oh, and remember, everyone is different and it is a little early. Hang in there. Good luck.

2:00 PM  
Anonymous oliviadrab said...

My one pregnancy that actually made it to seeing a heartbeat started out as symptomless. The first indication that something was up, was at around 13dpo when the smell of a tuna sandwich made me woozy. That was it for several days.

Also I have known of many post-IVF pregnancies that don't feel like pregnancy when in fact they ARE.

So there's Hope. She's sitting in the front row with a big bucket of popcorn, grinning at you.

2:17 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

When I was oh so briefly pregnant, my only symptoms were wanting garlic bread (I wouldn't exactly call it a craving though, plus this is fairly normal for me) and I was slightly more cranky than normal (How could I even tell, right?)

2:22 PM  
Blogger kristenL said...

I was so sure that I wasn't pg that I went out and drank two beers. I mean the GD hpt said I wasn't.
It wasn't for a couple of weeks before I got porn start tits. But I swear I felt more pregnant when I actually wasn't.
But stay positive - I know I am a broken record but you can't underestimate the power of optimism. Stay positive think positive. They will feel that!

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Day said...

Having gotten BFPs on both my IVFs, I can tell you the pattern went like this:
after transfer, bloated, a bit queasy, full-feeling for 4-5 days, sensitive lower tummy.
Then I felt nothing -nothing at all, where I was absolutely convinced it didn't work, and became increasingly pessimistic and melancholy.
By 8 dpt I would be a mess and would pee on a stick to put myself out of my misery only to get the faintest of positives, which created lots of drama and subsequent misery until the beta 6 days later.

It sucked.

I also have learned through lots of personal research and talks with my REs that symptoms are actually rare early on; folklore would tell us that we should be puking and exhausted right away but in fact most women feel absolutely nothing because there just aren't enough hormones circulating in your system yet, nor should there be.

From where I sit, you are right on track my dear. Hang in there...I remember it all too well. If I lived nearby I'd come by and give you a big hug and bring you some more gorgonzola.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous Julianna said...

I could swear that I was pregnant almost every month for the 4 years I have been married.......

symptoms are bullshit


I will say that I am hoping for you and sending all good thoughts your way.

Take care.

8:51 PM  
Blogger wessel said...

What everyone else said. I've been pregnant too many times to count. Eight? Nine? See, I can't even remember anymore. I dare say I've probably been pregnant more times than any other commenter. And I've become an expert at deciphering symptoms, or lack thereof. Let me explain.

First of all, every woman is different, and furthermore, every pregnancy, even for the same woman, is different. Some women will swear they get symptoms right away, but from a medical standpoint, it is more likely that all they are really feeling are the effects of the IVF or stim cycle hormones. HCG and progesterone levels from pregnancy are simply not high enough prior to that first beta, to cause any symptoms. Some women have NO symptoms whatsoever, but even for those who do, most do not start feeling true nausea from the embryo's HCG until about 4 weeks after conception. (Those who feel nausea in the first two weeks are probably feeling the effects of excess estrogen, which also causes nausea.) Progesterone from the corpus luteum (as opposed to the supplements) causes breast soreness, and again, not usually until sometime AFTER you have already had your first beta. If you are on supplements/suppositories, you are likely to have this symptom even if you are not pregnant.

I've had uterine twitching with IVF cycles, but never with normal cycles. Go figure. There was no relationship to pregnancy that I can figure out. Never had the so-called implantation spotting, which my RE has labelled an urban myth (the amount of blood displaced by a tiny, microscopic embryo burrowing into the lining just isn't enough to make a show on your panties, according to him.)

All that to say, DON'T assume that since you have no symptoms, you must not be pregnant. Symptoms are not reliable and anyway, it is really too early for them.

The only thing that I did find was "indicative" for me was an elevated temperature. But again, temps remain elevated in the luteal phase on a regular ovulatory cycle anyway, and only provide a clue of pregnancy after the luteal phase should reasonably have passed (14 days). By that point in time, you could have done several HPT's and a beta! So you see, sadly, we really have nothing to clue us in.

You COULD very well be pregnant!

11:20 PM  
Blogger wessel said...

Oh, and about the elevated temp thing--since it is progesterone that causes temp elevation, if you are on progesterone supplements, then even THAT won't be a reliable clue!

Basically progesterone supplementation makes everyone think they are pregnant early on because it mimics pregnancy symptoms.

3:13 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

Hey Bugs:
Glad you're up and around again. I don't have to lie either when I say that with our first pregnancy it was my mother who finally suggested, when I hadn't had a period for the third calendar month, that perhaps I take a pregnancy test. I laughed, since I KNEW I was infertile! Well, lo and behold. There I was ... pregnant! Not a clue. So yeah, I guess it happens more often than we know. (I was pissed off because I thought I was getting fat again!)

Thinking of you ...

3:21 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

Hey Bugs:
Glad you're up and around again. I don't have to lie either when I say that with our first pregnancy it was my mother who finally suggested, when I hadn't had a period for the third calendar month, that perhaps I take a pregnancy test. I laughed, since I KNEW I was infertile! Well, lo and behold. There I was ... pregnant! Not a clue. So yeah, I guess it happens more often than we know. (I was pissed off because I thought I was getting fat again!)

Thinking of you ...

3:21 AM  
Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

Heh, I like what Floyd said: Uterine Lurkers ...

Anyway, no lies here, either. I have ZILCHO symptoms the first 3-4 weeks, then my first indication is extreme lethargy.

After 10 YEARS of infertility I concieved my first on the pill. I was coming home from work at 5:30 and going straight to bed and sleeping until the next morning. I'd have assumed I was dying of an Alien virus before I'd think I was preggers. My Doc insisted I take a pg test before I 'bother coming in'.

Two lines and I cried for two days.

Oh, and now several babies later, I have NEVER gotten a + HPT before 16dpo ... so don't give up too soon.

I'm thinking of you and your wee lurkers.

-Blue

8:20 AM  
Anonymous OvuOpt said...

You know I've had a gazillion cycles loaded with symptoms, and BFNs to a one. This successful cycle...nothing. No nausea, abnormal twinges, implantation spotting, sore bbs, or even very impressive temps. It was an absolute, complete, I-can't-possibly-be-pregnant surprise. You're still in the running, sweetie! -Lori

8:38 AM  
Blogger ThreeBees said...

No lie here either. I felt NOTHING until at least my 8th week -- long after I peed on a stick and saw positive.

Hang in there sweetie!

8:54 AM  
Blogger VHMPrincess said...

Ditto what ThreeBee said - NOTHING until 8 weeks. I even asked a friend that had kids what it felt like to be pregnant, since I didn't have symptoms and i was already 8 weeks!

SERIOUSLY! Funny thing was, she was also 8 weeks and didn't find out until a few days later that she was even pregnant!!!!

SERIOUSLY!

11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never posted before on your blog but had to put in my .02. After 5 years of TTC, we finally got pregnant. I felt NOTHING. The only reason I took an HPT (by this point we had given up on medicated) was because I so desperately wanted to be white trash, go to the race track and drink the buckets of beer they sell there. Even though I have PCOS and never have "normal" cycles, my husband insisted I take a test before he would support my binge drinking. And wouldn't you know it...

1:20 PM  
Blogger Internal Spring said...

I have read at plenty of forums women saying that one early pregnancy felt completely different from another time they were first pregnant. You're body will not necessarily react the same way each time.

My former secretary was 3 months pregnant before she realized it - she was just tired a lot.

I think it's probably a sign of not only a good strong pregnancy - but a good kid who won't cry all night.

Keep up the optimism and best wishes for you!

2:42 PM  
Blogger Cricket said...

Except for years of treatment for endo, we didn't do anything fancy to get my son. Lucky, and I'm paying for it now.

It's been 8 years and I don't have my pregnancy log handy, but I can honestly say that I had no symptoms, except for a strange craving for beef. I was shocked at the BFP. This was something like 3 weeks post ovulation - I was using ov and hpt pee sticks.

About a week later (so probably 4 wks post ov), I started with nausea (lasted like 5 months) and EXTREME pelvic pain due to ligaments stretching, even had inguinal lumps from it. Miserable. Insomnia, too.

I remember fatigue early on, too, but only after the beef thing. Remember some breast stuff, but not too early or severe.

So, main thing was craving that beef, nothing really physical for a while after that. In utero, nickname for son was Angus.

9:09 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Nada here too.

First thing in the morning on the day I would have been one day late I had a little spotting and thought that was it. I even cried a little and dramatically flopped myself on the hotel bed and felt very, very sorry for myself.

That afternoon we flew home and the bleeding never materialized. I took a test late in the day and got a positive and so far so good.

I so hope this is it for you!

9:28 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

I've never been pregnant so I can't comment. I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and praying for those little embies of yours.

6:12 AM  
Blogger ilovekittiecats said...

I just typed 'uterine twitching' into goog and got this blog. But after reading it - i do remember that i had a friend who felt nothing, was just late. She had not gone through invitro, but had been trying for five years. Without fail, she always got her hopes up. While we were at work, she did about five pregnancy tests, two of which came back positive!! Indeed, she was pregnant!!!!

2:55 PM  
Anonymous Rueyn said...

This is my first time here. I, too, used Google for "pregnant" and "no symptoms". To know that many, many other women are going through the same agonizing wait I am has made this day a little brighter -- we're not alone, even when we feel like we are.

Keep your chin up.

-rueyn.

7:21 AM  

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