Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Debt

As we walked out of the lab after this morning's beta, Jeff held my hand and said, "Maybe it worked. Maybe it didn't. I love you."

I started to reply with the automatic, distracted, "I love you, too," when I was struck in the gut by the force of it. It is the most powerful force in my life, stronger than my will or even my self-interest. I love him more than I love myself; his happiness is more important to me. Perhaps it's something like the love that parents feel for their children. I wouldn't know.

I realize that I have shortchanged him these last few months. I have fallen apart; he has held strong--the optimist who encourages me to hope, the one who has taken care of everything, cooked every meal, held me while I cried and shook. And I fell into him, let him carry us both. I forgot to give much thought to how he might feel about failure; how deep his fear and grief might run. When I imagined it, I thought he would say, "Well, we gave it a good try. We'll try again."

When Dr. Katz called, we were sitting in a deserted restaurant. I took the call, very quietly, as he said the words I knew were coming. The "I'm so sorry." I curled my arms in front of me and walked out, unable to breathe, leaving Jeff to clean up behind me once again. To thank the waitress, pay the bill, get the food boxed up. When he got out, I saw his eyes, still dry but so very, very sad. I hadn't even hugged him, squeezed his hand, looked him in the eye when I left. I could only think of myself. But here he was, walking up to me, wanting to hold me and comfort me and feeling my disappointment more keenly than his own.

I want to give that back to him again. I want this nightmare to be over.

69 Comments:

Blogger Marivic said...

So sorry.

3:55 PM  
Blogger Anna H. said...

Oh Bug, I am so, so sorry.

We're all here with you.

xxoo

3:55 PM  
Blogger Mudbug said...

There are no words. But, as you reminded me, we are here.

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so, so sorry.

Linda
http://indigogirl.typepad.com

4:02 PM  
Anonymous libby said...

Oh sweetie. I'm so very sorry. Fuck. You write so beautifully, you know that? Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

4:03 PM  
Anonymous Jen-again said...

I am so sorry-

so, so sorry.

4:04 PM  
Blogger JJ said...

I'm sorrier then I've ever been.

4:04 PM  
Anonymous oliviadrab said...

Bugs. My heart goes out to you honey. I am so very sorry.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Sheri said...

I am so very sorry.

4:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Bugs, so very sorry.

I have a husband like that too and I feel the same as you do. The guilt over not being able to be there for him while in the midst of all this crap is just so overwhelming.

I thinking of you and if you need anything, I'm here.

Love,
Emily

4:08 PM  
Anonymous alex said...

I have been checking in quite frequently to see the news and my stomach lurched when I read it...I am so very very sorry...best wished to you and your husband.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous deborah said...

Sorry doesn't even cut it, Bugs. I'm crushed, and so sad that you have to go through this.

4:13 PM  
Blogger Cass said...

Oh Bugs. I am so so sorry. I'm sending the two of you a bunch of hugs, express delivery. They should be arriving right about.... now.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

I'm sorry. It's no consolation, but mine was negative too. Despite the gorgeous day out, there's a black cloud over the SF Bay Area.

4:38 PM  
Blogger THW said...

Stumbled across your blog by sheer luck. Beautifully written.

My condolences on recent events.

Best wishes.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous akeeyu said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry.

4:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I had something more to offer than "I'm sorry." I really do. I'll be thinking about you over here in my corner of the world...Love, Heidi (lost and finding)

5:00 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

OH Bugs, I am so sad right along with you. TRULY. I have a nice big plate of brownies in front of me that I wish more than anything I could fly over to you, and sit and devour with you. I wish I had more to offer.

I lurve you and wish I could take this day away, transform it into something else.

Thinking of you in immeasurable amounts,
Janet

5:05 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Oh I'm sorry. Shit.

5:11 PM  
Blogger ThreeBees said...

Sweet Bugs -- I'm so so sorry. . .

5:14 PM  
Blogger VHMPrincess said...

I am so sorry.

5:24 PM  
Blogger Galloping Cats said...

I am so very disappointed for you.

5:37 PM  
Anonymous Julianna said...

Fuck. I am so sorry. So very sorry.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I am so sorry, my sweet, so very very sorry. I had such great hopes for you this cycle.

Thinking of you and Jeff, and sending all my love.

5:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My eyes are filled with tears. I wish there was something I could do to make it all go away.

I understand the debt you are speaking of. I feel I owe the same debt to Westley.

The only thing I am glad of at the moment is that you have a wonderful man big enough to hold you and comfort through this difficult time.

I will be thinking of you.

Moogielou

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Soper said...

((Hug))

I'm so very, very sorry Bugs.

6:14 PM  
Anonymous Patricia said...

I'm crying. Really. Slumped over my keyboard with tears running down my cheeks.

6:14 PM  
Blogger Internal Spring said...

Bugs, I read your post to my husband, and we both cried. I wish ... I wish I could wish away your pain.

7:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugs, I am so so sorry. Fuck.

Love you and thinking of you lots,
Karen/ Naked ovary

7:08 PM  
Blogger Internal Spring said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:10 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

Of all things, I wanted this to work for you. I'm so shaken and sad that it didn't. You are a constant in my thoughts.

7:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry.

jc

7:29 PM  
Blogger kiwi said...

I am so very sorry Bugs.
The love you and Jeff have for one another sounds wonderful and strong.
Big hugs.

7:59 PM  
Blogger kristenL said...

Bugs I am so sorry.
I am harboring a huge ball of hot disappointment in my guts.

8:04 PM  
Blogger kristenL said...

Bugs I am so sorry.
I am harboring a huge ball of hot disappointment in my guts.

8:04 PM  
Anonymous amanda said...

Shit. I'm so sorry. So very sorry.

8:20 PM  
Blogger Millie said...

I'm so very very sorry. Thinking of you and Jeff.

10:10 PM  
Blogger persephone said...

Oh Bugs.

I've been trying to get into your comments for hours (darn blogger!!!) but now that I'm here I have no words.

I'm so sad. And sorry.

10:34 PM  
Blogger Emma Jane said...

Oh no. I am so sorry to read this, Bugs. So, so sorry.

11:25 PM  
Anonymous thalia said...

Oh sweetie I am so sorry

11:35 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

Oh bugs, I am so very very sorry. ~kat

12:06 AM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

I'm so sorry Bugs...What you have written could have been written by me word for word, though not quite as powerfully. I'm dreadfully sorry you have to endure this.

12:07 AM  
Blogger Bente said...

I'm so sorry.

12:50 AM  
Anonymous chasmyn said...

I'm so so sorry. My husband is the same way with me, and I am eternally greatful to him for that.

1:46 AM  
Anonymous B said...

I am so very sorry, Bugs.

2:17 AM  
Blogger Ova Girl said...

not fair.
so sorry.

5:35 AM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Oh Bugs, oh sweetie, I am so sorry, I don't know what to tell you. I'm grateful you share a love like that but so very heartbroken for you that it's accompanied by all this pain and loss that prevent you from being whole and happy again.

I truly am sorry. A big hug.

5:37 AM  
Blogger sherry said...

Stupid, fucking universe.

Bugs, I'm so sorry.

5:40 AM  
Blogger Dee said...

I am truly sorry, my friend. So very sorry.

Jeff sounds a lot like my husband and I bet that together you can get through anything...though I wish this wasn't one of them.

Thinking of you both.

5:50 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Oh Sweetie I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and your wonderful husband.

You are both in my prayers.

5:50 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I'm so sorry hon. Crying along with you.

5:52 AM  
Anonymous Caroline said...

I am so sorry...I can't imagine the pain that you must feel. The world is a sadder place today. Your husband sounds wonderful...you both deserve to be parents.

6:23 AM  
Anonymous Day said...

I am so so sorry Bugs.

7:12 AM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Ohhoney...I am so, so sorry. You must be heartbroken. I'm here if you need me.

Love and prayers for you dear.

7:23 AM  
Blogger Lala said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sad for you, so very very sad. Take care of each other.

8:53 AM  
Blogger Floyd said...

I'm so very, very sorry.

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry.

Theresa

12:57 PM  
Anonymous Molly said...

Crap. So sorry it didn't work out.

1:00 PM  
Blogger PJ said...

I am so sorry. Your deep and profound love for your husband has moved me to tears. I feel the same way you do that I haven't done enough or held up my end of the bargain for him. He is the only reason I'm able to get up every day.

Once again, I'm so sorry.

Danielle

1:00 PM  
Blogger Taylor said...

After reading your post last night I could not get you off of my mind. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I know it does not help - but I am sorry that you are suffering.

1:12 PM  
Blogger Beaver Girl said...

I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you and your husband.

1:17 PM  
Blogger chris said...

I'm so sorry.

1:49 PM  
Anonymous thisgirl said...

I'm so sad for you Bugs. So sad. I'm sorry.
Thinking of you......

1:52 PM  
Anonymous Menita said...

I am so sorry. That was always the hardest part for me to - that I couldn't make it up to him, ever. But you know? They love us and don't really think that way.
I am so sorry that things are like this and wish they were so different.

3:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

take care--he'll want to comfort you for now. relax...*hugs*

love,
me

6:36 PM  
Blogger K|nneret said...

I'm so sorry. So sorry.

3:36 AM  
Blogger sweetisu said...

Bugs, I'm so so damn sorry.

2:51 PM  
Blogger TigerJen said...

I'm so sorry. You were so brave to take the call in a restaurant. When we get to that point I'll have to come straight home and just go to bed with the covers over my head...waiting.

I do hope that you will be able to find some peaceful time for yourselves at Yosemite.

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry.

Nina

8:09 AM  

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