Monday, April 18, 2005


No BFP or BFN to report; just a BFC. Big Fucking Chicken.

On the way to beta #1 this morning, I told Jeff that I couldn't take it anymore. The nightmares, the insomnia, the worry, the fear, the panic--I've reached a tightly coiled state of pent-up alarm.

I've spent two nights in that half-waking state of wheel-spinning angst--fretful visions of grotesque cells, lost babies and stark emptiness. In one, the doctor said that my three embryos had turned into cancerous tumors and had to be removed before they grew, though I was to die regardless. In another, Jeff was holding up an enormous pregnancy test, eight inches long and five inches wide, with a series of four lines--all varying shades of HPT magenta--and all I could think of was, How did he get my urine? Did I wet the bed? And I didn't want to tell him that the test was wrong, we're not pregnant, though I knew I should.

My brain spins and whirrs while I sweat and toss and beg for sleep, and every thought leads back to the question at hand: yes or no. Yes or no. Yes or no. Yes or no. It's so simple. There is an answer, and I can have it if I want it. I could call the doctor in an hour and demand the results; I could pee on a stick.

But still I don't. Though it would put an end to my circling agitation, the probability that it would be the end of this particular dream, and that I would come quite badly unglued for awhile, is not something I'm willing to hasten.

Jeff felt the same. He doesn't want to give up the inherent possibility to be found in not knowing. He wants to think on the Minnen Lamm and a Christmas delivery; he wants to ponder names and cribs and tiny clothes, right up till Wednesday afternoon.

So I sit in a dark room with my laptop, pecking away at the keys, stubbornly refusing to hasten my trip to the chopping block, and able to face one fact and one fact only: I am chicken. Hear me bok.


Blogger Mudbug said...

Oh honey. Even though I'm at the other end of the don't-want-to-face-it spectrum (i.e. can't even get myself started, I can't quite imagine what level of fear you're carrying around.

How about a nice big piece of stinky cheese?

2:26 PM  
Blogger kristenL said...

I wish there was something funny or clever or reassuring I could write and make this time peaceful or at least amusing. But you are waiting on a life changing answer and no one can save you from that limbo. I am doing my form of praying for you and sending you all kinds of lamb flavored vibes across the Bay.

2:34 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Hey girl, I've been thinking of you all day, hoping hoping hoping for you and Jeff. Of course, I've been hoping you'd test to put ME out of MY misery, but that might be a wee bit, well, selfish.

I'm so sorry for the crazy-making dreams. They don't help when you already think that perhaps you're losing your mind. I'm also still a bit upset by your doctor's "don't you worry your pretty little head about it" style of testing, but I guess it can't be helped.

May I suggest online Bejeweled as an alternative to thinking and obsessing?

I'll be crossing all crossables for you til Wednesday. Since it's not for me this round, I really want it to be you.

2:44 PM  
Blogger Zeeks said...

(crawling out of lurkdom)
I totally understand the fear the causes us to freeze and not test. I have been there numerous times myself. Don't test until you are ready for any answer. Until you are ready to accept fully whatever answer you will get. And, here's hoping you to get the BFP you want so badly.

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The line "I am chicken, hear me bok" made me laugh. But your post also made me nod my head up and down furiously like a deranged bobble head doll. Yes. I know. I know.

And I hope for you that it's good news, all the way.

karen/naked ovary

3:29 PM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

Hoping you get good news. And thank God pee sticks aren't that big.

3:38 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

People always say "at least you'll know", as though that's a fabulous thing. Sometimes knowledge isn't power, it's the curse of the powerless.

I'm sorry. A big tight hug, dahling Bugs.

3:46 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

It's crazing-making. I'm sorry, bugs, that you have to go through this and hoping for the best.

4:21 PM  
Anonymous oliviadrab said...

Pacing the floor for ya, Bugs.

5:00 PM  
Anonymous deborah said...

As someone who burned through five
3-packs of FREDs this last cycle, I am truly impressed at your willpower. You do what you gotta do, honey! I am whooping and hollering and cheering for you all the way.

5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Bugs

I feel like a Thelma to your Louise.(am I dating myself by saying that?). I could have written your post. I am 12dp3dt and I am PETRIFIED. I feel like I am on the edge of a precipice and I don't know if I want to see over the edge just yet. Here's hoping you get a BFP..

bok bok bok


5:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I so get this.

Thinking of you and hoping for a yes.


5:47 PM  
Anonymous Soper said...

Mmmmm, chicken.


6:29 PM  
Anonymous Day said...

Sending you the best of wishes Bugs. Thinking about you and hoping for the best.

6:33 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

THERE you are! Well, I suppose if you gotta keep us in suspense then I am going to have to support you - and keep everything I have crossed for you. You must be so freaked out right now. Bok away.

6:36 PM  
Blogger Cass said...

All crossables remain crossed. Thinking of you...

11:47 PM  
Blogger Floyd said...

Just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts. Hang in there.

6:21 AM  
Blogger HomeFireBlue said...

You're doing the right thing.

Here's to big, fat beta numbers ...


6:29 AM  
Blogger ThreeBees said...

I can't tell you how much I am thinking of you and waiting to hear. . . I'm checking in often.

Much love to you.

8:30 AM  
Blogger MsPrufrock said...

Though I am (naturally) eagerly awaiting for results, you need to do what's best for you. I know the feeling, and it's hard to resist, but just as hard to face the answer. Good luck.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Bugs, I am so positive it is positively ++++ for you. Hang tight, my friend.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Internal Spring said...

I think the BFC is a great option.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Sandy said...

Oh Bugs ... chicken we can relate to. Holding you close in thought today.

4:27 PM  
Anonymous oliviadrab said...

Have you heard anything? I am keeping my fingers crossed.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Lala said...

Any cluck news cluck?

10:34 AM  

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