There is not much more to say. I have not found any silver lining; I haven't been able to dredge any humor from my heart; I have not found a distraction from the failure, the loss of hope.
The pain is compounded by the unexpected shock of our insurer's refusal to cover the procedure, even after our doctor submitted a letter of medical necessity. We received the official denial upon returning from Yosemite.
Jeff's sperm is not adequately abnormal for them to approve the ICSI; I may or may not have been sufficiently diagnosed as broken in advance to qualify for the IVF at all without three FSH/IUI's. Now that I am designated a poor responder, and the decision to do IVF with ICSI, though unsuccessful, was clearly the right call for our paltry harvest, the insurance company says that it doesn't matter--that the diagnosis can't be made in retrospect. None of their abstruse restrictions were made known to us when calling to verify coverage months ago. There are appeals processes, but it seems hopeless.
I am trying to keep it together, I am trying to stay calm, but I'm failing. Oh, god, how I am failing.