Friday, March 25, 2005

Mrs. Bugs sends her regrets...

The year Jeff and I got married, we attended a grand total of eight weddings spanning both coasts and a couple of spots in the land-locked middle. The following year, there were seven, sprinkled up and down the West Coast. Three years ago, there were five; two years ago, three; and last year, two. We've been to intimate weddings, big weddings, religious weddings, pagan weddings, humorous weddings, expensive weddings, rugged weddings and pot-luck weddings. But of all the weddings we attended in these five years, not a single one was of the shotgun variety (though one couple did get knocked up a few months after announcing their engagement and before the big day).

When we got the invite to the latest wedding, we were a little surprised: Jeff's friend, the groom, had only been dating the bride-to-be for about a year, and had famously talked of his disdain for marriage, the meaningless piece of paper, yadda yadda. Apparently, however, he also had a disdain for functional prophylactics.

So their wedding registry? Babies 'R Us.

And the date? Day 9 of stims. Known to the rest of the world as next Saturday. Also known as, a herd of irate rhinos couldn't prod me into going.

Any suggestions on how, exactly, I should word my RSVP? Bugs is profoundly sorry for herself and cannot stand the thought of attending. Best wishes to the lucky fertile fuckers and their little fucking bundle of joy! Something like that, maybe? Oh, and I could also use some thoughts on the gift, if you have any ideas.


Blogger Kat said...

Hey Bugs, what a terrible situation. I'm sorry. So so so tacky.

I am not good at those sorts of things... always worried what other people will think of me so me, personally, I'd probably give up some lame excuse like, "I've got other plans" or whatever, especially given the suddenness of all of this. What I wouldn't have given to have the balls to say when I RSVPed for one (or five) baby showers while I was having MCes... umm... sorry but I can't stand the thought of babies right now so I'll have to stay away or else I'm liable to make a scene. Instead I usually went, buried my head, and tried to stay upbeat.

As for gifts, that's always hard. I almost always bought clothes, simply because baby clothes are just darn cute. But with Babies R Us the truth is that very little there is unique or special... it's where parents can get everything and almost anything is appreciated. And truly... anything off their registry will do. And BRU you can order and ship through amazon and you don't even ever have to touch it or see it.

There's also another option entirely... ignore the whole baby thing and give them some gawd-awful completely useless wedding gift, like an ashtray or a set of martini glasses or a fireplace poker set.

11:57 PM  
Anonymous oliviadrab said...

Oh dear. What a dreadful situation. Nothing like a shotgun wedding to make the world a happier place for the fertility-challenged.

I think "such last notice" works well since it is so soon. Although I far prefer your wording.

Gift? As someone who's been in this situation before, if you want something neutral and not as hard to buy, don't go to Babies R Us. Go to Toys R Us because they carry similar things, just far less of it and more "functional" gifts--like travel bags for diaper disposal, plug-in bottle warmers, washrags, etc. They may not be on their "list" but they are useful and probably stuff that they hadn't thought of before. I found it much easier to do that than be surrounded by the magnificent world of BABY everywhere you turned around. In fact, I bought myself a video game while I was at Toys R Us as a consolation prize.

4:56 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

Good for you for knowing what you can and cannot do right now. If it were me, I wouldn't feel obligated to give a reason for not attending at all before the event. Simply RSVP your regrets, and if necessary, and if he's a good friend, I'd have my husband explain it to his friend after their wedding day.

I've only ever actually explained my decision not to attend something once ... a baby shower for a friend (over 40) who got pregnant "by accident" by a casual date guy. I took some flak for "you should be over it" by my oh so understanding fertile friends but stuck to my guns. I've since been able to meet said babe (he's a cutie) but I still pick and choose when I do that.

As for the gift, I also never feel obligated to give what people ask for. A gift is just that - a gift. Something freely given by me, not because you ask for it. So I'd give something that I think is appropriate, and for me, that is sometimes a donation to a charity, or a gift certificate.

Anyhow, good for you for making the decision, and I love your husband for supporting it!

5:20 AM  
Blogger Galloping Cats said...

Normally I'm a big believer in the cash or registry option. BUT in this case I'm with Kat and say, go for some traditionally lame wedding gift.

A vase that's too small to fit any flowers I've ever seen at the flower shop, a picnic backpack, a sculpture resembling the Heismann trophy. Um. Not that I hold a grudge about the crap people gave me 5+ years on... ;-)

6:31 AM  
Blogger amyesq said...

I think you are very nice for even thinking of sending a gift in the first place. You are already a better person than I. I also don't think that you need to let them know the reason you'll be unable to make it. When pressed, you can just say "You have other plans" which is true.

As for the gift, if you are going to get one, I would suggest taking a deep breath, going to their registry, and getting something not too expensive. You can do this from the comfort of your own home and have it over with in under five minutes. Good luck.

7:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

People can be funny about missing weddings. I've been using a new excuse "I'm having a minor medical procedure and can't come." No one dares ask about it (although a French friend looked me over from head to toe so I told her it was in a place she couldn't see) and that way it can't be taken badly by any of the parties.

Shots and ultrasounds are minor medical procedures in my book.

I wouldn't get them a baby gift - that's too weird - but you could get 3 of something as a nod to the baby - nice pottery or glasses or pretty bowls. Does this mean they're not going to have a shower?

8:10 AM  
Blogger Anna H. said...

I think a 'previous plans' excuse would be just fine and as for the gift, something non-registry, non-baby related would be good, too. They'll appreciate anything and you just don't need to deal with this right now.

So sorry you have to be worrying about it, Bugs. Glad to see you're taking care of yourself; it sucks, but I'm of the belief that it's absolutely necessary at times like this.

Thinking of you.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Suz said...

I'm a wee bit horrified that they registered at Baby's R Us. I wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole.

If you want to get them a gift, I would go for something traditionally "wedding" like a certificate to Linen's and Things or William's and Sonoma. We actually got a certificate to Ruth Chris' stakehouse which was great because we didn't have much money after the wedding and enjoyed the time spent together.

8:41 AM  
Blogger wessel said...

I agree with the advice to avoid giving a reason, and just RSVP your regrets, period. If you must give a reason, say you have a conflict and don't go any further.

Babys-R-Us, boy how tacky can you get? I say buy her a jumbo box of Kotex from Costco. I mean, eventually she'll have to start bleeding again, right? I fail to see how baby gifts have more dignity than feminine products under the circumstances.

Geez, call me OLD FASHIONED and moralistic, I'm that and more, but please people, have some decency. Weddings are to celebrate your marriage to each other, not to announce that you were humping away without using birth control a couple of months before the big day.

Ok, as for the gift--don't go into a baby store if you think it will upset you or ruin your day. Just don't do it. She will get plenty of that crap from other people. I vote for the cheap glass vase from Target.

9:33 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

I'm so sorry. I think these situations suck all the more because you have to put up with their false cheer about their "little accident," even though they are probably terribly conflicted about it.

It makes me think we really do need to have Infertility Showers, or something like that--instead of, "guess what, we're accidentally pregnant & getting married & you have to cheer for us," why not, "guess what, we're barren and sad, and we would like presents to compensate for our lives not working out in our favor"?

As for the gift--what a fucking tacky thing to do, registering at Babies R Us. I cringe just hearing it! I say do the random wedding gift--picture frames, a vase, something like that.

10:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bugs -

I know how hard situations like this are. Life just happens...and society has the expectation that we are to peel ourselves off the floor and be good sports..

I personally think, with all of your fantastic photographic abilities, you should take a photo of them during the wedding and send this to them in a nice frame (I mean you have up to one year to send a gift, right?!). Then you can keep your own private copy to "doctor" up as you see fit ;-)


12:37 PM  
Blogger The Lioness said...

Well fuck me. Really. And a registry where? Is that normal American behaviour? Bcs it looks unbelievably... tasteless from where I'm looking sat it.

I'm afraid I can't help you much, am not having very kind or dignified thoughts. Good for you that you're not going, well done! Choose whatever excuse you feel comfortable with and prevents further questioning, maybe. And how abt some monogramed nappies bcs it's a BLOODY SHITTY THING?

2:16 PM  
Blogger sweetisu said...

Wow. Registered at where???

Good for you for not going, and good for Jeff sticking with ya on this.

I wouldn't send a baby gift. Well, I wouldn't send a gift at all. But, if you're going to, I'd choose a more traditional wedding gift.

8:22 PM  
Anonymous Mandy said...

I honestly thought you were kidding about the registry being at babies r us...that it was just your witty way of saying that you know for sure the reason for the haste in getting married.

There's no way, even now, that I would buy a wedding present for someone off of their baby registry.

I believe Jeff Foxworthy once referred to the definition of redneck as someone with a glorious absence of sophistication. Redneck or not, that description applies.

If you truly want to send a gift, how about a nice picture album or something that doesn't necessarily address the duality of the occasion.

8:30 PM  
Blogger Cricket said...

Okay, just shoot me, but when I ain't got no money, I ain't giving no presents.

However, I did have the occasion on a 2nd cousin getting married when I was 23-ish and making all of $12K/year, living with my mother, poor. I didn't particularly care for this cousin, although I loved her brothers and parents.

She thought herself rather hoity toity (plus lovely and a chick, not deserved at all, she just had big tits that got her lots of attention) and I knew her whole family and they never deserved the uppity muck designation.

So I went to where they were registered for china and such, knowing I could afford very little. I decided on a single salad fork for her. It was $8. I could have probably sprung for 2, but didn't want to. I wanted Miss Priss to have her very own salad fork to keep her vanity and figure intact.

She actually thanked me for it at the wedding and sent a thank you note. Sheesh.

For you, if anything, buy them a bunch of diapers b/c they're full of shit.

9:13 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

I am with you on the negatory RSVP. I am also with the other commenter on the no money, no gift scenario. However, if you feel a gift would be necessary and polite, I would search your home for a little something to re-gift. Say, your elderly aunt sent you a lovely vase that does not correspond with your interior decoration - bingo! Instant gift!

5:58 AM  
Anonymous Jenn said...

I've turned down lots and lots of invitations and simply told them, "It's too hard for me to be around small children or pregnant women right now." In fact it's Easter Morning and I'm not in church because there will be too many kids. But I also liked the "minor medical procedure" excuse too. Brillant.

As for a gift, I agree it's totally tacky to register at BRU. Isn't that for the BABY shower? I think an ugly wedding gift is in order. Or, a gift card from BRU if you want to get something from there. I can't even set foot in there anymore.

7:30 AM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Oh no...what a crappy situation. I would just explanation given and send a gift card.

5:30 AM  
Blogger sherry said...

First of all, that is the TACKIEST thing I've ever heard of...a wedding registry at Babies R Us. Gah.

Secondly, an explaination is not necessary as to why you cannot attend. You just CAN'T. End of story. If you're kind enough to send a gift, I agree with the other ladies who've posted...something inexpensive and wedding-like...a gift card, perhaps?

6:51 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

The baby registry is so tacky I can't help but be amused. Reminds me of two people I went to high school with -- she was very pregnant for the wedding and changed into sweats and a t-shirt for the reception at the pizza place. They danced to "Secret Lover."

I like the minor medical procedure because it is true!

Sorry you have to deal with all this...

11:58 AM  

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