Wednesday, February 09, 2005

My own personal pity party

As I went into this cycle, that niggling Pollyanna beast told me that, surely, lots of needles and progesterone and monitoring would be just what I needed. You'll see, she said. Even you can't be pessimistic this time. When I responded with my usual assurance that, Oh, fuck yeah, I could so be pessimistic, just watch me, she saw that one corner of my mouth was turned up in a grudging little smile as I spoke, and she gloated. She knew she was right. The novelty of the process had seduced me into hopefulness.

When the FSH injections left me feeling so ripe and fertile, overflowing like an Easter basket, there she was with a little told-you-so grin. When the sperm wash came back looking so supergollyswell, she jumped up and down, whooping. And when I started to feel weird--feel pregnant?--a few days ago, she danced in wild circles and screamed with delight.

And I'll tell you this: Two days ago, when I woke up suddenly feeling so very un-pregnant that I couldn't even conjure up the vaguest hallucination of a symptom, I remembered why pessimism is my very best friend, and why Pollyanna is to be shot on sight with a large-bore rifle.

Wanna play the Glad Game with me? Here goes: I'm glad because, even though in my heart of hearts I don't think I'll ever be pregnant again, I am unemployed and can spend all of my waking hours wallowing in my infertility.

That is how the Glad Game is played, isn't it?


Blogger Mudbug said...

I'll play: I'm glad because, even though I am still cramping from the f$%*& HSG, I can use it as my all-purpose cover for the alarming, neck-snapping-sudden mood swings and crying jags.

12:19 PM  
Blogger E. said...

Damn it. I'm so sorry, Bugs.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Damn...I had such high hopes for you. Please know that I am thinking about you and wishing you the best.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

Damn. I'm so so sorry.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

Damn. I'm so so sorry.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Bugsy said...

F'n Pollyanna! I am thinking of you hun and joining your Personal pity party (p cubed?) - How about "I am glad because even though I can never see a time in the future where I might have a child, I know I can get pregnant because I managed it once (and miscarried so I know I can do that too), ohhh and of course, this struggle will only make me appreciate my children more when I do have them (cause I was just going to sell them on ebay earlier)" *gag*

12:59 PM  
Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Fricking Pollyanna! You know she is Hope Addict's evil sister. Burn them both at the stake then have some chocolate. It won't make you feel better but your tummy will like it.

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, shit.

- getupgrrl

1:32 PM  
Blogger Galloping Cats said...

Hey I'm sorry and I'm also holding out hope for you. People look for pregnancy symptoms in the first two weeks and the truth is that most people don't have any until they are 5, 6, 7 weeks along.

2:14 PM  
Blogger Soper said...

I got no hope to give you, but I do have cupcakes.

2:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said... ain't over 'till the Fat Lady Sings!!! (my apologies to any nurses out there who actually have the horrific job of calling patients with neg beta results - I'm not calling you fat...). Side effects will come and go, as your hormones level out.

Don't let Pollyanna gloat until you can drown her out with signifcant amounts of alcohol and chocolate...or, better yet, with the sounds of a BFP ringing out!!!

hang in there, and good luck!!


4:43 PM  
Blogger Jen P said...

Bugs, I don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry and that I wish the process treated you nicer and that Pollyanna would just leave everyone the hell alone.

I hope you're doing ok.

Best wishes

4:58 PM  
Blogger Day said...

Wait- it's not over yet, right?

Freakin FSH plays with your truly does. And when it fades from your system, it plays with it worse.

Take this for what it's worth: every BFP I've ever seen was at the end of a 4 day freakout that my symptoms were gone. You'd think by the last one I'd have learned the deal, but the hormones just don't let you think that way.

Pollyanna's absence is actually a VERY GOOD thing.

Hang in there. I'm thinking of you and wishing only the best for you. ((Hugs!))

6:27 PM  
Blogger wessel said...

Wait Bug, you haven't done a test yet, have you? Don't get too wound up in symptoms. They are completely unreliable. Wishing for only good news. And if not, well, you know we are here for you.

p.s. I killed Pollyanna pretty good; don't think she'll ever be found again.

1:34 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Not to be that bitch Pollyanna myself, but I do hope you're pleasantly surprised. Symptoms really don't mean a thing, they come and go, and often don't show up until quite late. Fingers crossed for you.

5:54 AM  
Blogger ThreeBees said...

I'm so sorry Bugs. Thinking of you. . .

8:38 AM  
Blogger Barren Mare said...

Hey, it's not over until we grind Hope's face into the carpet with the heel of our stiletto, right? Still rooting for you, Bugs dear.

11:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a crap feeling to lose hope. I just hope you are wrong.


12:29 PM  
Blogger Anna H. said...

Thinking of you, Bug. Please keep us posted...


1:00 PM  
Anonymous Deborah said...

I've always wondered what would happen if we locked Pollyanna and Hope in a room together and let them duke it out. My money is on Hope, but I'm pretty sure Pollyanna would go down swinging.

6:02 PM  
Blogger amyesq said...

Hoping an praying you are just so wrong. But also sending love your way. Hope can be such a bitch, can't she?

6:37 PM  

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