Monday, January 17, 2005

Shoot me up, Scotty

This is not what I expected.

The day started off with a bang: neighbor hammering in garage, awakening us from our unemployed slumber at the crack of 10 a.m. It will almost surely end with a whimper. The whimper, however, will not be coming from the neighbor in his garage. No. Those little mewling sounds will also not be emanating from a kitten, or from Archimedes imitating a kitten. They will be coming directly from me--head turned, face pinched and eyes closed, as J. tries to hit the little ballpoint X with the bright, shiny needle. My first injection of Gonal-F.

My oft-cancelled consultation with Dr. Meow finally went off today and I feel like I've been knocked senseless. I was sure he'd say, Try a couple more unmedicated IUI's; or, Let's put you on Clomid this month and see what happens. Didn't quite work that way. Instead, he said, Hmmm, that unmedicated IUI didn't work, so let's go ahead and do the IUI with meds this month. And if it doesn't work this cycle--God forbid--we can do IVF with ICSI in April. Sound good?

Sound good? Sound good? How the hell am I supposed to know? Don't you realize that my brain stopped working when you said "IVF"? And already? We're already having this discussion?

Holy. Shit.


Ho-ly shit.

All of this before I'd even asked one single question from my list. My beautiful list, typed up and double-spaced, with fourteen bullet points. Which are all now moot. We are no longer to care about temperatures, cervical fluid or OPKs. We no longer care about J's high PH or my varying luteal phase, nor the cramps and vagaries of my menstrual flow. And we most certainly don't care about sex, except that we're not to have it for three days before trigger.

I am having a hard time grasping this. Yes, I wanted to be aggressive with treatment: I am thirty-five and my miraculous COBRA fertility coverage will run out in January of next year. So, as Dr. Meow so succinctly put it, I "have to be pregnant by then." Yes, I hoped against hope that I could move on to the meds this month, feeling in my heart and soul that another plain vanilla IUI would be as useless's something uselsss?...oh, I've got it! SEX! As useless as sex!

But I had no idea that I'd be walking out of his office with a Gonal-F pen and a plan to move on to my last line of treatment as the very next step.

So that's the bottom line: If this cycle fails, that's it--I will be on to my last, best hope. And that scares me cold.

. . .

Yep, there it you hear it? The whimpering has started already.


Blogger Janet said...

scary the first time you hear your doc say IVF. but we are here to help you through it. and maybe the "talk" scared your little ovaries that you mean business and it will be a moot point come April.

and you call that whimpering?? pshaw!


7:47 PM  
Blogger ankaisa said...

It is a scary thought. I'm just glad you got the pen variety of Gonal-F, it's so easy to use. And those shots get easier once you get used to it.

I'm hoping that doing an IVF is not going to be needed. But if it is, I'm totally sure you'll get plenty of support for it. It sure may be the last hope but it is also the best!

11:43 PM  
Blogger JJ said...

Holy Crap! Meow moves fast! Did you even get dinner first? A movie at least?

How exciting/scary. I'm overwhelmed for you.

5:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We did IVF with ICSI. I hope you don't get to that point, but if you do, I'm available for any and all questions. There's an email address on my blog.

Good luck!


5:27 AM  
Blogger Suz said...

I know the fear. At the same time our Dr. told us that our tests indicated that we would never get pregnant naturally, he told us that our only option was IVF with ICSI. We walked in there healthy, we walked out of there looking over the edge of the cliff. I whimpered so loudly that night that I almost woke up my husband; instead, he whimpered with me - in his sleep. I hope that this cycle works and you don't need the IVF, but if you do, I'll be here with you.

8:06 AM  
Blogger E. said...

Wow -- big, scary, exciting, awful. All my fingers and toes are crossed for you!

8:37 AM  
Blogger Barren Mare said...

Dude! You've just jumped on the ART Express train! I am sure it's all a bit dizzingly fast. But I just know you're gonna be great.

I love that you took a typed, bullet-pointed list. Love. It.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Day said...

I was in a different boat than you; after 2 years ttc, a year of 8 failed IUIs and 2 miscarriages, I was begging to do IVF.
I know it's scary, but try to think of it as a blessing-IVF with ICSI (& PGD) is what has me finally over the 12 week prego mark, and when I think back, I wished I had pushed the doctors into IVF sooner. WAY sooner. IVF with ICSI is the best. I know the what-if-even-IVF-doesn't-work thoughts are super-scary, but remember the odds, and it sometimes it takes a few IVFs to get it right...I told myself I would not start to panic until the 3rd one failed (I know, easier said but I stuck to that), and I got lucky on the 2nd.
I'm so excited for you...I know it's hard to accept that the vanilla stuff isn't cutting it for you, but you'll forget all about that when you start the cycle and you're staring at some truly damned good odds for pregnancy.
Lots of hugs - feel free to e-mail me anytime, and I hope your whimper turns into squeals of joy VERY soon.

5:20 PM  
Blogger Kristin said... of luck to you Bug! I truly hope this works for you.

10:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy shit is right! That's a big jump, especially when you're not prepared for it. It's scary for sure. Hang in there, my friend. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

7:59 AM  
Blogger Jen P said...

Bugs, I wish you lots and lots of luck with this. I know it was sudden and unexpected, but we're here to rally behind ya.

And OUCH. That poster sure is 'inspirational'! Who has abs like that anyways?!

Best wishes.

11:13 PM  
Blogger Elle Dee said...

I also love that you typed up your lovely list. If I ever get that far, that'll definitely be me. Lots and lots of luck! I'm rooting for you, too!

12:08 AM  

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