I've hit a definite lull. Perhaps unemployment has something to do with it; perhaps I'm just tired. Whatever it is, I just don't have the energy to care much this cycle. I've heard some women call it the "fuck it" stage.
We've been trying for more than a year. I've done everything I was supposed to do. It hasn't worked.
My G.P. says to wait till November before getting a referral, as I didn't start charting till that time last year. She doesn't much care that I'm a couple of weeks from thirty-five, or that my health insurance will only last for a set time, or that thoughts of getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having a baby in my arms have left me distracted and incoherent for fourteen cycles.
My husband also doesn't seem to care much, though he wants me "to be happy" (such a trite, overused husband phrase, no?). Though he no longer says it, I know that he would be just as happy to go through life exactly as it is. He sees no reason for change.
My one friend that I talked to about trying to conceive said, quite breezily, "Well, if it's meant to be, it will happen." Nice. So supportive.
So, I think I'll join the party. Fuck it.