Thursday, December 02, 2004


A couple of days ago, I found out about Julie's remarkable crash-landing into motherhood. It colored my whole day, a surreal chiaroscuro of past (dark storm-grays), present (delicate infant pastels) and future (bright Playskool primaries).

I have never been so happy for someone I've never met. Her road to motherhood--no, her boulder-strewn, all-uphill climb to motherhood--is one of the most engrossing, amusing, unfair, heart-rending stories I've ever read. And the best part is, I don't have to close the book with a final bittersweet sigh, wishing for just one more chapter, one more glimpse into the author's bent mind. I just need a little patience, which is easy when one knows that the reward--in this case, a new post--is surely right around the corner. And I wonder, with eager anticipation, what new dimensions motherhood, in all its gore and wonder, will add to Julie's story.

Selfishly, I also wonder whether I will feel just a little more isolated, a little more removed from The Next Step. I am still in the blocks while so many are sprinting down the track. A few, like Julie, have even gotten to the finish line, and are embarking on the incredible endurance race of parenting. I can hardly even imagine the finish line: I don't let myself think on it too often, fearing it might make my unfailingly predictable cycles of want, hope and bitter let-down that much harder to bear. I'm so far away from it that I think just a few yards ahead, my immediate goal no more advanced than a second pink line, a tiny few hurtling steps down the track.

But my imaginings for everyone else? Ahh, for them I can picture every inch of the race, flags waving, trumpets blaring, all shiny-gold and gleaming, and cheer till I'm hoarse.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well put! I feel the same way - going thru ivf in Jan 2005 and can't seem to get the negative thoughts for myself to go away yet I feel nothing but positive for those going thru it with me. Thanks to 13 years of Catholic schooling (no offense meant to anyone!)- the predominant thought going thru my non-practicing head is "god would never let me be that happy". Good luck to you!

10:58 AM  
Blogger Orodemniades said...

Hey, being in the starting blocks beats being benched.

Hope your turkey day went well.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Kath said...

I feel like this all the time. I find it hard to take when a fertile becomes pregnant but absolutely awesome when and infertile makes it. They have beaten the odds and I am so fucking glad they are out of this hell hole. But at the same time, I become a little more lonely and isolated. I cant follow them on thier pregnancy journey while I am still in inferile-ville.

There is one less in the stable and while there are new horses coming all the time, I cant help but think I will be one of the last out. Scary.

5:06 AM  

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