Wednesday, November 10, 2004


I feel like I've just been reliably informed that I'm colorblind, or that I was born on the moon, or that I've always spelled my name wrong. That up is down, and why have you been traipsing across the ceiling all this time, leaving footprints on the plaster?

The thing is this: I may not be infertile. Man, it's even stranger in writing than it is in my head.

The other thing is this: It doesn't really matter.

You see, after a week and a half of long-awaited, and entirely satisfactory, testing--day 3 bloodwork, pelvic and trans-vag ultrasounds, an HSG--we got something else.

J's semen analysis results.

I had not really given the SA much thought, just another test to tick off on our list; a slightly uncomfortable check box with antique porn and paneled cubicles. No, as the doctor asked three times, J. has never fathered any children that he's aware of. Then again, except with me, he hasn't really had much opportunity. I mean, almost no opportunity at all. As in, I look like a Tenderloin street ho next to him. Which, I guess, is part of the reason it never occurred to me that the problem might lie within him: I'm the one with "a past" (sounds sort of romantic, like Barbara Stanwyck in a noir pic, but you know what I mean). I lived a very full life for the twenty-seven years before we met, with all that that entailed. Which was, well, a lot.

J., though? Eagle Scout. Honest to god. And his conquests (or his conquerors) can be tallied on one hand, with a lovely opposable thumb left over. No health problems, no drug use, no STD's, nothing but decades of exercise, sun block and green, leafy vegetables.

So when the call came, I was utterly unprepared. And when I heard the doctor say "abnormal morph count," it almost didn't register. Abnormal? J? How...impossible.

For an hour or so, I sat, dumbfounded, as the implications sank in: 1) There's a problem with J. 2) There may not be a problem with me.

And, 3) It doesn't really matter.

It may change the route by which we proceed down the infernal, infertile road. But the bigger picture hasn't really changed, it's just more inclusive: We are infertile. We.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

just happen to read ur msg .. abt "WE"
dun fret too much over it and i believe that u 2 can find ur way out ..
hmmm perhaps trying to adopt one? i mean if u really yearn to have kids.
take care .. you are not alone .......kalz

10:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Umm - what did that commenter up there just say?

Anyways, I had a similar reaction when I got the results of my husband's SA. And I had already been pregnant twice.

In my husband's case it turns out he varies quite a bit. From very low numbers and crap morphology to low average and good morphology and motility. Not to give you false hope or anything, but the numbers can change quite a bit. It is somehow shocking though. Maybe as women we just assume everything is our fault.

Good luck processing this new info...

Take care.


10:53 PM  
Blogger Sheri said...

I just found your blog and I will definitely be reading!

So sorry about your husbands SA. I fully understand the "We". My husband as azoospermia and it is definitely "we" for us. Really it doesn't matter "who" has the problem. We are in it together. Hang in there. I hope you can get more information on what is going on soon.

11:17 AM  
Blogger April said...

We are in somewhat of the same boat. Low motility, and low volume here, with high Ph levels. Sigh. Michael took it really hard. It was a huge blow to his manhood, but we're working through it. We are infertile, end of story. The previous poster was correct, numbers can fluctuate quite a bit, so talk to the doctor about a follow up (usually done about three months after this one). We're up for round two right after thanksgiving.

Anyway, sorry to ramble, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Neither of you are.

11:25 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

It's a shock, isn't it, to go from "I" to "we"?

Paul and I have always said we're relieved that the problem demonstrably belongs to both of us — he has slight male factor and I have everything else. Neither of us blames the other (as I know you and Jeff don't), but neither do we blame ourselves exclusively, a burden nobody needs.

It totally rocked my worldview to learn we were both screwed. Sounds like you're similarly shaken. Hang in there, nice lady.

11:32 AM  
Blogger ankaisa said...

You are right, it really does not matter what the reason is, WE are infertile. The only reason they have found in us is low amount of sperm. Well, sometimes, once the doc said that the serm sample looked just fine. So it fluctuates. And I have no way of knowing if I'd be able to get pg with someone else or not. I've had boyfriends before DH, but we never had unprotected sex. There might still be something wrong with me, too, but it has not been found out. And I suspect there is, but I haven't been able to convince the doc to do more testing.

1:59 AM  
Blogger Ollie said...

"We" is a hard pill to swallow after you've gotten so used to "I". I am hoping that the doctors have some suggestions that will help. We were only told "Zinc and L-Carnitine" and I don't know if it works for real or not.

4:47 AM  
Blogger Orodemniades said...

We have slight male factor too, but it's me, basically.

Give J a hug from me, will ya?

11:16 AM  

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