Thursday, October 21, 2004

Things I am Really Bad At

First, let me say that Soper added some excellent Things She Hates (see previous post's comments) and also has a tremendous Barren Bitch Brigade thread going on her blog. Orodemniades, thank you for giving me the justification I was lacking for my hatred of Gwynneth Paltrow. Julie, I'm with you, Tennison would totally kick Bill Moyers's sagging fanny. (I love ya, Bill, but you're an old softie and no match whatsoever for the badassssss lady Superintendent.) Mare, you are a sick, sick woman; what could possess you? Unless, of course, you actually look good in a suit. And Patricia, I'll be your friend! I'll be your friend! Yep, swimming laps is soggy repetitive torture, though I still do it twice a week as penance for sitting on my unemployed rump most of the time.

Second, I want to give an enormous thank you to everyone who has sent along their kind words on the situation with my Old Man. There is no news yet, except to say that he was sent back in for more tests as they could not get the answers they wanted from the last round. So he is still...waiting. As for my own little wait, I'm just having a hard time caring right now. For once it doesn't seem like that big a deal, though it probably will again soon.

However, I've reserved today's blogging time for announcing to the world in a loud, shrill voice that I am Really Bad at Many Things. Please note that this list is not comprehensive--not in the least. I find that I am bad a new things each and every day. But here's a start:

Feigning interest in requisite sex

Using slang effectively

Telling believable white lies

Cooking without burning


Being alone in the house at night

Remembering to buy gifts for J.

Making cervical fluid

Remaining calm in times of crisis

Calling people back

Cutting my toenails

Pulling up weeds without pulling up flowers

Staking the dahlias

Sightreading music

Exercising every day

Using up the greens and veggies before they mold

Taking care of other people's kids

Letting go of grudges

Not being jealous

Being optimistic

Public speaking

Remembering people's names

Remembering whom I've told what to

Not ending sentences with prepositions

Being objective about the Bush Administration

Maintaining my online address book

Making small talk


And the Prize Thing that I Was Very Bad At Today...

Being interviewed by telephone

Tomorrow I'm considering a list of Several Very Embarrassing Things About Me.


Blogger Soper said...

"making cervical fluid"

Have you tried Robitussin? she asked, with an apparently straight face, then ducked without missing a beat to avoid all the random objects thrown her way by the rest of the readers, including a really nice Cherokee purple tomato grown by Deadbug, which she saved to make a sandwich later....

8:26 AM  
Blogger Orodemniades said...

Hey, burning food is a great way of testing the fire alarm on a regular basis! Which is good, because I do it about every other week...unintentionally, of course.

Moving right along.

I'm also crap at making cervical fluid (that damned green tea removed it all), and the mold in my vegetables is getting more action that I am at the moment. There is no way to be objective about the Bush Administration, regardless of who you support.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm pretty decent at white lies - but what does that say about me? And in terms of the rotting veggies? I am the master. I also suck at the online address book. I don't call people back for weeks.

I definitely want to be your friend. And I want to be Soper's friend too...I didn't even notice the "yas" in her email. But it's really more of spoken thing, as in "Can I getch ya anything else?" It just irritates me. I don't know why.


10:24 PM  
Blogger DeadBug said...


Robitussin. Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. That is my cervical fluid laughing at the Robitussin. It has decided not to waste a Cherokee Purple and is instead lobbing a mealy Costoluto Genovese at your ducking head.


Excellent point re: the fire alarm testing. Or, at least, it would be an excellent point if I still had a smoke detector in the kitchen, instead of having stuffed it in a living room drawer after my last attempt at wienerschnitzel.


I would like to think that my inability to tell convincing white lies is tribute to a truthful and forthright character, but is more likely a direct reflection on my stupendously bad acting skills. You should weild your white-lie prowess with pride and know that I am envious.

6:30 PM  

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