Sunday, October 24, 2004

Shhh, don't tell the authorities

If you've been reading for a few weeks, you may be aware that I have a little, erm, problem with embarrassment. But, dear readers, I must confess that I did not tell you the whole story. No. Not by half. I was, frankly, too embarrassed.

In the spirit of masochistic self-exposure, however, I thought it might be a good idea to get some more of that shame-laced embarrassment off my meager a-cup chest. And my embarrassment topic for today is that, quite frankly, I may be a dreadful mother. If I ever succeed in becoming one. Why, you ask? Well...

I have never changed a diaper.


Not for my nieces, my nephew, my friends' countless progeny.


When at the dinner table with friends, I place myself at the farthest corner from their children.

I am grossed out by toddlers' slimy, snotty kisses.

I did not like my elder niece till she turned six and could amuse herself with a book.

I did not like her younger sister till she turned eight and stopped asking for Barbies for Christmas.

I never bought her Barbies for Christmas.

I let J. bear the entire burden of entertaining our hyperactive four-year-old nephew when we visit my brother.

My nipples are so ticklish that I panic at the mere thought of breastfeeding.

I would probably use formula.

I am horrified by the thought of baby weight.

Television would probably be my child's most constant babysitter.

I would not let any friends or family be in the delivery room because I wouldn't want them to see me naked from the waist down.

I might not even want J. in the delivery room.

And yet, here I am, putting all of my energy into getting pregnant. Into constant dreams of my own slimy little smelly-diapered creature. Go figure.


Blogger JJ said...

If I had a dime for every diaper I changed, I could probably afford IVF. It's no big deal... really. I think I'm a pro. Once you've changed the diaper of Tie Domi's offspring... you know you're good to go!

Oh, and I don't plan on letting anyone else in the delivery room either. My husband will be up by my head, this is mostly his choice, but it's all okay with me.

And snotty noses are gross too, but I got used to it, and they weren't even my kids!!!

5:35 PM  
Blogger Soper said...

Blah, blogger is gassy. I don't know if I'm double posting or if it ate my last comment.

I sent you an email, go check it, dammit!

8:12 PM  
Blogger Orodemniades said...

Are we related? Cuz, y'know, my father had 11 children, and it wouldn't at all surprise me if there were more out there.

I, too, have never changed a diaper. I've babysat 3x in my life, the first time when I was 11 and at a school function. I didn't even know the kid's name or who his parents were, I just had a 2 year old shoved into my arms. The other times were a few years ago, for the daughter of Mr Oro's best friend. Why yes, it was a nightmare. Snot in any form at any age, ew. Mr Oro is definitely the children's entertainer, I don't hold babies, I don't smell their heads, there's no way in hell Mr Oro is getting past my waist in the delivery room should I be so lucky as to give birth, and tv is a Good Thing(tm).

See, I know I need 'me' time...I am not one of those women gifted with the ability to completely subsume their personality for the sake of their children. Actually, I'm not sure that's a healthy thing at all, but that's for a post on say, my own blog.

Anyway, I hear ya!

9:04 AM  
Blogger ankaisa said...

OK, you sound just like me before I had DS. I am not good with children. I would never consider a job that involved taking care of other people's kids. In fact I still dislike them most of the time. Hell, I think that is part of the reasin why I'm not even considering adoption, who knows what you would get? No offense meant to anyone who is adopting/ has adopted. But it is not for me.

But it is all so different when the baby is your own. You will have months to get used to the idea. I remember being grossed out about the thought of dirty diaper just days before I went to the hospital to have my c-section. And I spent almost three years washing that dirty butt over and over again without any feelings of disgust.

You can't compare how you feel about other people's kids to how you will feel about yours. It is not the same. Not by a long shot! You will be a great mother when the time comes. Just trust me on this!

12:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But it is all so different when the baby is your own....Bingo!To the owner of this blog: If you don't enjoy spending time with kids, you're better off not reproducing. What are you trying to prove: that you're a "real woman"? Or a "godly woman"? <gag!> Trying to get your nosy family/in-laws off your back because they want you to have a baaaaybeeee? Or are all your images of parenthood taken from some archetypal fuzzy Kodak?

Stop trying to get pregnant. Spend the time and money on a nice cruise, gourmet dining, and sex toys. Don't let the breedmoos convince you "it's all wooooorrrrth it!" Here's a secret: an awful lot of 'em are miserable, and misery loves company.

9:39 AM  
Blogger Orodemniades said...

Anon, you're an ass.

Go away.

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are 35, trying to get pg but experiencing the rollercoaster of infertility, and you don't even like kids?

You have no idea what you are getting into - but this is true for any aspiring parent-to-be. The "baby lust" for that cute, snuggly little baby is touching - the urge to reproduce our progeny and continue our precious genetic lineage noble. But someday, years down the road when you have already spent countless hours of time and perhaps hundreds of thousands of $$ on your child(ren), you will wake up one day with a "tween" or two! And then after that a teen!

I am a single mom of a tween. I LIKE kids! ALL kids! Sometimes I even like other people's kids more than my own!

But whoa, if I'd had any idea what kind of moody monster my happy go-lucky-baby would turn into, and how grueling, expensive, and draining parenting would be, I would have chosen to be CF!

You should think harder about your reasons for doing this - having children is all too often an "oops" or a casual decision. Do your future kids a favor - don't bother unless you have a deep, burning desire to parent and to sacrifice your personal life for the next 20 years.

5:26 AM  
Blogger Sk8RN said...

Have you considered adopting an older child and avoiding all of the snotty noses and diapers? There are so many in need of good homes!

9:24 AM  
Blogger Elle Dee said...

Wow. And I thought I had a lot of doubts! That list is impressive! And how brave of you to share! I think that's great that you're being open about it - much much better than hiding all of those feelings. If they're out in the open, they're less likely to affect your parenting - a sign you'll actually make a decent parent, I think.

9:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous, eff off. I'm sorry that you are miserable that you have a child but many people are not!

Deadbug, you should continue to pursue your heart's desire, hon. Lots of people are not enthusiastic about dirty diapers and snotty noses and still make great parents.


1:24 PM  
Blogger DeadBug said...

JJ, Orodemniades, Ankaisa, Elle Dee and Dahlia, thank you for the support and understanding. It really feels good to know that people out there can relate.

SK8RN, thanks for mentioning the adoption of an older child. Yes, we have thought about it and it's an option that's still on the table for us, but we want to continue to pursue our own biological child for the time being.

6:19 PM  
Blogger chris said...

I just have one question, and it's completely off topic, but why do childfree people visit infertility blogs? Shouldn't they be out having the fabulous lives they're always talking about?

I mean, I don't feel any real urge to visit one of their blogs.

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not the same anonymous who has posted above, and I won't join her in telling you what to do. I am curious, though, to hear about why you do want a baby. Why does someone who doesn't seem to like children decide to have children?

I second the previous poster who says diapers are no big deal. Neither are snotty noses, either, though I do find, interestingly, that my own kids' snotty noses are a lot easier for me to deal with than other people's kids' snotty noses.

And, for what it's worth, let me add that sometimes what is hard about being a parent is the very thing that makes it fabulous--one of the things I like about being a mom is feeling like I'm good at it even when it's hard, or figuring out an effective way to deal with a seeminly intractable discipline problem.

9:58 AM  

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