Monday, October 11, 2004

O-so-sexy

Here are a few lessons I've learned from this month's ovulation time.
  1. Never eat steak fajitas at Chevy's when you're ovulating and need to go home and have sex. Also, never eat steak fajitas at Chevy's when you're allergic to cumin.
  2. There are subtler ways to let your husband know that it's time to get busy than leaving your positive pee stick on the bathroom counter. Ditto for the kitchen counter and bedside table.
  3. If your husband is greater than eighteen years old, it's possible that you may need to give him some extra encouragement after a few straight days of sex. Saying, "If you finish up quickly we can still catch the last inning of the Houston/Atlanta game" may do the trick. Or it may not.
  4. Doing two hours of intensive hip openers and inner thigh strengtheners during a Monday night workout class is not conducive to having sex on said Monday night.
  5. Being clean is sexier than being smelly.
  6. Granny panties, pajama bottoms and a man's undershirt may be less enticing than a black silk negligee, but only if the negligee is not smelly.
  7. Never, ever talk about national politics during foreplay.
  8. If your husband has to pee, make sure he does so before participating in obligatory sex. I have been reliably informed that the urgent need to urinate prohibits ejaculation and the desire to ejaculate prohibits urination. A painful catch-22.
  9. Ovulatory sex and pleasurable sex are not mutually exclusive, but the latest scientific research shows the overlap to occur with approximately the frequency of an albino turkey vulture or Halley's Comet. I believe this equates to around once every 76 years per couple.
  10. Make sure your ovulatory diet's rich in fruits and vegetables--I prefer grapes and potatoes, but that's just me. Trust me on this, though: they will serve you in much better stead than the steak fajitas from Chevy's.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hee hee hee.....you crack me up! Hope this month is your 1 in 76 years time for BD-DTD enjoyment!!!

Maz
xxx

1:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hee!!!!

Great advice, my dear.

Moogielou
Fractured Fairytale

5:09 PM  
Blogger Elle Dee said...

This posting is hysterically funny!

9:29 AM  

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