Monday, October 18, 2004

Just waiting

The Old Man's diagnosis is still not in; he has been told the doctor will call him "early this week" for confirmation. There was no real explanation for the delay. But the confirmation seems like a formality, given his symptoms.

I spent the weekend earning my specialty in Parkinson's from Google University's Medical School. This will look good on the wall next to my certificate in Infertility Self-Diagnosis, also from Google U.

Parkinson's is thought to to be influenced by both environment (including, surprisingly, the consumption of iron supplements) and heredity. As I recently found out, my father's grandmother had Parkinson's. Somehow, this was never discussed in our family and my father himself was unaware of it till he broke down and told my grandmother of his likely diagnosis. She took it well--had feared that the problem was worse; a brain tumor, perhaps--and told him of his grandmother and how the disease had been difficult for her but not unmanageable, right to the end.

There are some aspects of Parkinson's that remind me of infertility--an inability to focus, depression--but what really gets to me is that my father and I both are largely swallowed up by Waiting. He's waiting for the worst, a formal diagnosis and the subsequent efforts to stave off his deterioration. His wait will not likely have a happy resolution, a promise of hope, though it may promise some comfort. My wait, on the other hand, is filled with possibilities, both good and bad: the possiblity of getting treatment, of finding out that there is no treatment, of being pregnant right now and not even knowing it, of having implantation fail right now--this very minute--and never having a clue.

I am filled with a desire to wrap myself in layers of buffering gauze, a warm, bland cocoon, and not come out till the Waiting is over.


Blogger JJ said...

Hugs to you and your dad. Waiting sucks!

2:35 PM  

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