Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Feel like I've arrived

Finally have one of my own: a troll, that is. Feel as if I've arrived. She's not the most articulate or thorough troll, but bloggers can't be choosers and I won't look a gift troll in the mouth.

Sure did get a kick out of her assumption that I was trying to be "godly". Boy, we atheists don't really get chided for our religious fervor too often. Quite a novelty. What I didn't get a kick out of was Bingo's impugning of Ankaisa's comment that "it is all so different when the baby is your own." That, somehow, a woman whom I have never met--a woman who has gone to great lengths to achieve her dream of a child, and continues to go through hell in hopes of another--wants to pressure me into motherhood because having a child has made her miserable and she wants company.

To be fair, perhaps Bingo just didn't realize whom she was addressing. That my blog is about infertility, and that most of the readers are also suffering from IF. I think, I hope, that she simply skimmed the last entry and made some grossly wrong assumptions--like, perhaps, that I was a young, dim-witted and naive girl bending to the pressures of my authoritarian, demanding family or shallow fertile friends. That I would be impressionable enough to be swayed by her simplistic "child free" rhetoric of gourmet meals and sex toys. She could, clearly, have avoided making an ass of herself if she'd taken the time to read more, but, hey, I'm sure she's busy. Takes a lot of time and effort to come up with subtle phrases like "Breedmoo", after all.

I received another comment on that post from a woman who feels that she made the wrong choice in deciding to have a child--that they are moody, grueling, expensive and draining, and she would have lived child-free if she had known how much hard work was involved. I'm impressed with her honesty, and hope that, one day, she finds herself glad to be a mother. I think, however, that she missed the mark in advising me to think harder about why I want a baby: as longer-term readers of this blog know, I have been thinking of little else for more than a year.

There are several reasons that I waited till I was thirty-three to begin trying to conceive. The most important was that I knew how much work and how much pain it would be, having seen the enormous struggles of my sister with her two kids, and I wanted to be certain that I was ready for the challenge, and that J. was ready as well. Till that point, I assumed that I would never be a mother, that I didn't have enough desire and strength to balance out the costs. And when that scale tipped a year ago July, it was clear. Sudden, but very, very clear. Diapers and snotty noses be damned, sleepless nights be damned, exhaustion be damned: I am burning with desire to be a mother, and will deal with each hurdle as it arrives. I am strong enough for that.

I want to be a mother. And my ideas of motherhood don't end with a smiling, soft baby in my arms. I want to be a mother to nurture and help my child grow and cope, to be there when she develops her own ideas and interests, to support her when she's down, to laugh with her when she's happy, to let go when she's ready, to pull her in when she needs me. No, my vision doesn't end when she's a baby, or when she's twelve, or when she's twenty. It continues till the very end.

I don't truly believe that the fears and aversions I listed in my last post make me an inappropriate candidate for motherhood; I assumed that the humorous tone of the list was obvious. What those fears and aversions do mean to me is that my eyes are open to the fact that I have some personal hurdles to overcome, and that I'm willing to take them on.

I'm thirty-five now, and my struggles with infertility have only made my resolution to be a good mother stronger. I will value my child all the more for knowing how hard we had to work for her. And while I hope that she will value me, love me, that's not what it's about. It's about giving, and I have so much love to give.

Ankaisa, I know you're right: everything will be different--in both positive and negative ways--when we have one of our own. And whether she is born to me or to someone half a world away, I will be her mother, and J. will be her father, till we are dead.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

We make our blogs public - our choice. With that choice comes the probability that some people won't like what we write, will say shitty things about us, our blogs and our community on some child-free site, and will give us a different type of "assvise".

What I don't understand in regard to some of these child-free folks is why they continue to read our blogs. The sanctimonious tone toward those who want children is quite unnecessary. Many of the assumptions made about us are incorrect. For example, from what I can tell, many of these people would buy into the following syllogism:

Women who want children are ignorant.
Women who have infertility blogs want children
All women with infertility blogs are ignorant.

So...we get (and unlike you, respect) the fact you don't want children. Really. But your logic is truly flawed.

What I do understand is the need to vent about hideous child encounters. I would rather have a root canal than be stuck in a restaurant/doctor's office/retail store etc. with someone's bratty, ill-mannered kids. I too am tired of parents not raising their children properly and leaving a mess for the rest of us to deal with. Yet why is there a need to bash us for our choices, belittle us and mock our struggles? Where does this get them? Does being cruel satisfy them in some way (and some have been very, very cruel)? I suppose it does. Whatever the case/motivation may be, the truth of the matter is using an infertility blog as a petri dish for one's anger, resent, frustration, dissatisfaction, whatever the case may be, is, quite frankly, base.

I wish things could be different.


6:24 PM  
Blogger Orodemniades said...

Yeah, what Moogielou said!

Besides, don't most people have thoughts like this upon the arrival of the first baby, no matter by birth or adoption??

I dunno, maybe people who come from extremely large families don't...but it scares the crap outta me.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Orodemniades said...

Forgot to add that Mr Oro and myself are looking forward to sending out future children to therapy.

Cuz we're weird.


11:22 AM  
Blogger Barren Mare said...

Wow- a troll. Can I have her when you are done, I can't find my punch bag and I need to do my kickboxing workout.

Though she did have a point about the gourmet meals and sex toys- cause that's really what life is all about, right? And puppies, let's not forget puppies, oh, and trips to Europe, and pristine white couches. Gosh, if only I had thought of that earlier, think of all the trouble we could have saved ourselves. Was there a memo, or something? Did I miss it?

12:18 PM  
Blogger ankaisa said...

Uh, oh, didn't mean to start anything! Sorry if I did. But I guess that this troll would have posted anyway, it just happened to be my comment above. What a piece of great assvice you got from her. Makes you think if it is wise to allow anonymous comments on your blog... I wonder if these people know that even if you post as anonymous, you can be traced? I bet not.

And yeah, I think it is normal to have these thoughts at some point. I know I did. Somehow in the middle of this process you tend to lose sight of anything beyond those two lines on a HPT.

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't have to defend yourself. I felt pretty much the same way before I had my son. I like kids better now, mostly because I've learned better how to interact, but there are still a lote of kids I just can't stand to be around.

I think you give Bingo too much credit - I think she's (he's?) just an asshole who wants to stir up trouble.

I did want to make one comment about Ankaisa's first comment though. While I completely respect people's decisions to not turn to adoption, it does drive me mad when people say they won't consider it because they don't know what they are going to get. As someone who has conceived a child with Down's Syndrome (that miscarried) and who has a friend who's child recently died at birth because the cortex never properly developed, I guarantee you that there are no guarantees. You never know what you are going to get, period.


10:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen, Paticia. We never, ever thought we would have a child with a medical defect. Life is like a box of chocolates...

Also, Bug, I think we defend ourselves too much with these child-free hater folks. Fuck 'em.

middle way

6:34 PM  
Anonymous tom said...

Thank you, very interesting!

6:29 AM  
Anonymous Linda Johnson said...

Fertility is a desperate issue for 10s ofg 1000s of women and men.

IVF is so desperatelyt expensive but I found some excellent inforamtion form people who've overcome the problem without IVF at

Your Infertility


1:23 AM  

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