Friday, August 27, 2004

Fuck it.

I've hit a definite lull. Perhaps unemployment has something to do with it; perhaps I'm just tired. Whatever it is, I just don't have the energy to care much this cycle. I've heard some women call it the "fuck it" stage.

We've been trying for more than a year. I've done everything I was supposed to do. It hasn't worked.

My G.P. says to wait till November before getting a referral, as I didn't start charting till that time last year. She doesn't much care that I'm a couple of weeks from thirty-five, or that my health insurance will only last for a set time, or that thoughts of getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having a baby in my arms have left me distracted and incoherent for fourteen cycles.

My husband also doesn't seem to care much, though he wants me "to be happy" (such a trite, overused husband phrase, no?). Though he no longer says it, I know that he would be just as happy to go through life exactly as it is. He sees no reason for change.

My one friend that I talked to about trying to conceive said, quite breezily, "Well, if it's meant to be, it will happen." Nice. So supportive.

So, I think I'll join the party. Fuck it.


2 Comments:

Blogger Barren Mare said...

NOVEMBER?! Eh?! You know what drives me nuts? First they say, you have to chart, as if you have to prove you are infertile. Then, they say stop charting, because it gets you all stressy. You can't win. Fuck it.

5:53 AM  
Blogger Katie said...

It's okay to have those "Fuck It" days every now and then. I mean, we can't remain strong and determined all the time. I don't know about you, but seeing pregnant 16 and 17-year olds just wears me down. This weekend was a "Fuck It" one for me.

8:23 PM  

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