Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Losing wait

The big three-five is swimming toward me faster than Ian Thorpe on crack. Just under three months to go before I'm thrown into the "high risk" pool, arms akimbo, without even a moment to hold my breath.

I never thought of 35 as old. Most of my friends are older and they seem young and vibrant, sexy, fun--not to mention appallingly fertile. But even if I were to get pregnant today (I can't, I'm not ovulating today, but if I could...), in the last gasps of 34, I would be considered by the medical establishment to be an "older mother".

Which is strange to me, because I still feel like a kid. Like I shouldn't be trusted to stay in a hotel by myself, much less sign a jumbo mortgage. I've been married for four years and still giggle at the idea that he's my husband--such a grown-up word!

Sometimes I wonder whether becoming a mother is a prerequisite for feeling, fully and unquestionably, like an adult. Or maybe you need to be confident of your adult-ness before you can conceive? Hmmm, something for me to ponder on the drive home.

At any rate, I feel like my window of opportunity is closing--there's only so much more waiting I can do before the one-way path leads left or right, childless or mother.


Blogger JJ said...

Oh yes, I know those feelings. I felt more grown up buying a Christmas Tree then I did getting married. But I look at it as a good thing. I know it's going to make me a great parent. I remember how much fun it is to blow bubbles in beverages with straws, splash in the bath, and be treated to ice cream for breakfast. I promised to never forget what it felt like to be a kid, so that I wouldn quash that out of my own.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Barren Mare said...

I once read this somewhere: to paraphrase- being a child means that in the car at night, you get to fall asleep in the backseat, safe in the knowledge that your parents will make sure you get home OK. Being adult means you are driving, or sometimes sitting in the passenger seat, making sure your partner is driving the right direction (or in your case, um, on the right side of the road). I used to have the urge to fall asleep in the back- and now I like being up front. So I think I am ready. Ponder that as you drive home and see how you feel!

1:24 PM  

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