Friday, June 18, 2004

Just desserts?

As an atheist and a skeptic, I don't generally think in terms of fate, or karma, or god's will, or a higher plan, or even some sort of universal balance between good and bad--and certainly not "evil". I feel sure that my life is governed, for better or worse, by nature, by chance and by my own imperfect will.

Somehow, though, I can't quite seem to wholly divest myself from the idea of fate when it comes to my infertility. I wonder, Why me?, and wait expectantly for an answer. And sometimes, at four in the morning, I think I get one: I just don't deserve a baby.

First off, until recently, I didn't want children and said so, out loud, to anyone who asked. Out loud, for chrissake. If that isn't tempting fate, I don't know what is.

More importantly, I had the opportunity to be a mother and I didn't take it. There were many good reasons--excellent reasons, even, such as being seventeen and living with an abusive, alcoholic, schizophrenic boyfriend--but I had the opportunity nonetheless. And I didn't want any part of it. I wanted it out, out, out and never looked back.

I realize that the whole notion of deserving a baby is patently ridiculous: How could brutal, cruel women get pregnant if fertility were handed out on merit, while so many who are smart, patient and supportive remain unhappily childless?

I know it's true, I know it: I just can't seem to apply it to myself sometimes.


Blogger patricia said...

This much I know: Not having a baby with a schizo boyfriend at the age of 17 does not, I repeat, does not put you on any bad karma list. In fact the opposite is more likely.

Also I wanted to tell you that you are not too old. I had my first (and only live) child at 35, and now, at 40, I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not too old. My grandmother was almost 46 when my dad was born. Unfortunately, since I'm adopted, I don't have those viable old egg genes.

Good luck to you,

10:05 PM  
Blogger DeadBug said...

Thank you, Patricia. I needed that.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Pazel said...

I don't believe there is a grand plan and that babies are handed out to the most deserving. Otherwise the man with the plan has a cruel side by making you pregnant at the wrong time with the wrong man and not at the right time with the right man. I'm also an atheist, so I don't believe that such a God exists. We can't give him credit for pregnancies (although that is usually done by those with faith) and we can't blame him either. Instead, it's more science. The right medical factors have to align perfectly to produce a baby. Once we understand all the details of conception, it's amazing anyone is able to conceive. Don't blame yourself. You're hurting enough already. Focus instead on the practical plan and what you need to do to make it happen. And good luck.

11:19 AM  

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